


The Definitions between Heroes and Villains

by TotalFanFreak



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: AU, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gen, Multi, Mystery, Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-07-27 08:08:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 56,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7610296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotalFanFreak/pseuds/TotalFanFreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being transferred to the BAU to gain information for her headquarters as well as herself, Karita Siskin starts to form bonds with her new team. But soon strange occurrences arise as Karita's life begins to be exposed. The BAU team soon learns that there are some crimes out there that are beyond comprehension. And that sometimes heroes also have to be the villains.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dépaysement

**1\. Dépaysement (n) – French, the feeling of not being at home, in a foreign or different place, can be either a good or a bad feeling; change of scenery**

Breathe in, breathe out. That’s all she had to do. Her job was the same, just a different location. She’d do her job at the best of the capabilities, get the intel she needed, and be done. The job wasn’t even meant to last over four weeks, it’d be fine. Only a lot of people had to pull strings to get her in there, and she didn’t know anyone. Well, her father worked in the department one of the puppeteers that pulled the strings, but this wasn’t her workplace. She had known her colleagues for years, most she was related to in some way, these people at Quantico were virtually strangers. What if they didn’t like her? Or thought she wasn’t good enough to be working here?

Jesus, this was as bad as high school, taking a deep breath she plunged through the doors only exhaling as the rush of cold from the air conditioner hit her face. She filed in line through security getting directions from the guard on where to go. Going through a small hallway she found the door of Erin Strauss. Knocking softly, she heard a muffled response to come in. The office was mainly cherry oak and dark but she brightened when she saw the older woman coming to greet her. She was enveloped in a soft hug,

Strauss’ familiar fragrance of lilac and cotton wrapping around her.

“Karita, it’s been too long, let me look at you.”

Holding her within arm’s reach Strauss looked at her. “You’ve grown to be a beautiful young woman; you look so much like your mother.”

It was always a wonderful compliment, and she blushed. Karita always compared herself to her deceased mother, but with her eyes were not the same shade and the way she had repeatedly dyed her hair to a bizarre color made her far from her mother’s spectrum. She thanked the elder woman anyways.

“How have you been, Rin?”

Strauss tutted, wagging her index finger. “We should get out of the way, that we must remain formal here. I know you’re used to things a little more casual but here, things are different. I’m glad to see you’ve chosen some business attire today, and your hair is…erm…”

“A more natural color?”

“Yes, exactly. We must give off to the people we are involved with that we are a sense of structure, that we work finely tuned, and know how to get things done. We can’t go off on a case acting unprofessional, I’m not saying have no compassion, but you have to have a clear distance to things to see them correctly.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Going to sit at her desk, Strauss offered you a seat across it. “To answer your question, things have been fine. In fact, I just had a very nice lunch with you aunt Coralyne a few weeks ago.”

Karita grimaced internally, the only way the two of them would sit down together is to discuss work, and 'nice' had to be a metaphor like -eye gouge out cut out tongue metaphor.

“How’s Tim?”

Strauss looked at her from the stack of files. “He and I divorced several months ago, it wasn’t too messy and the kids are old enough to understand. Now, let’s take a look at your file.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –“

“Karita, it’s fine. Okay, you chose… Siskin as your last name here?”

She shrugged. “My father picked it out for me.”

Strauss nodded in understanding. “I see. You’ve had three years working as an investigative specialist, before that you interned with the violent criminal apprehension program. Sound good?”

Karita shrugged her shoulders sadly. “It’s your story; I’m just a character in it.”

“Please, don’t be that way. This can be beneficial on both our parts. You know what you’re here for, so you can get down to it.”

“Um, but where? I wasn’t given much notice on this, if we had any Mikael would’ve accompanied me.”

“Hmm, better that he didn’t we don’t need anyone with that kind of temper here. Come along, I’ll escort you to Gideon’s office and he’ll take over from there.”

She nodded, getting up to follow behind her. The elevator ride was silent, approaching the glass doors as she scuffled in, she allowed herself to look about the place she would be working during this time. Barely missing running into a large African American man, who chuckled at her stumbling.

“Well, well Strauss what have you brought up here?”

Strauss nodded at the man curtly. “Agent Morgan, this is Agent Siskin, she will be working with you in Greenaway’s place until we can find a permanent replacement.”

Karita saw the way the man flinched at the name Greenaway and she felt his heart tighten slightly as if in mourning.

“I trust you to make her feel a part of the team.”

He looked at her, as if gauging, his teeth in full display again. “Dutifully, noted, all of us will make her feel at home.”

Karita smiled at him. “Thank you and it’s nice to meet you Agent.”

“Morgan will do fine.”

“Seeing as your introductions have been made I will hand you over to Agent Morgan and allow him to escort you to Gideon’s office.”

“It’ll be a pleasure.”

Karita tried to grasp for words. “But I –“

Strauss smiled softly. “You’ll be fine.”

Placing a hand on her shoulder, Morgan steered her in the other direction. “You got the dragon lady to smile, I either have to say you’ve got amazing skills or you know each other.”

Should she tell him? The two had just met but she felt he wouldn’t put anything together. “When I was a child, I haven’t seen her in ages though.”

“Damn, that accent.”

Her eyes darted up to him, and she chuckled. “It’s not that bad.”

“Not bad at all, just not what I expected.”

“What were you expecting?”

“Perhaps, South Dakota, so where do you hail from?”

“California.”

Morgan looked at her skeptically, she shrugged coyly. “I lived surrounded by two generations of Austrians, if that helps.”

Morgan chuckled, before turning serious. “How long have you been in this line of work?”

“Over three years.”

“I’m sorry, please don’t take this the wrong but they looked like they recruited you straight from a middle school.”

She sighed, she was used to this. “I’m twenty-three.”

“I was leaning more to fifteen or sixteen but I’ll take your word for it, pixie stick.”

“Pixie stick?”

Before she could properly respond, a woman with a bright blue dress that matched her glasses comes up behind Morgan.

“Please, ignore my chocolate Adonis, our latest pretty. He likes the taste of foot in his mouth, and if he had just come to me in the first place I could have told him that you were qualified for this.”

“Um, I’m sorry Agent…”

“Just Garcia, or Penelope, but you’ll come to see it’s a last name sort of place.”

Karita eyed her outfit enviously, wishing she had her jeans in place of the skirt she had on. But Garcia’s hair had been donned with a crown of daisies, and the Small Wonder charm bracelet she had made you wish you had done more research on what the FBI expected in business attire.

“Penelope, thank you, how would you know that I was qualified?”

Garcia looked at her like the answer was obvious. “Your file, silly, oh, I’m the tech goddess over this unit and I make it my personal business to get to know everyone before they get here. On screen, of course.

Morgan shrugged his shoulders defensively. “I had no clue we were getting a new girl, mama, how was I supposed to know to come to you?”

“You should’ve come to me regardless, you know I need my Morgan fix in the morning.”

Morgan laughed, hugging Garcia to him, it made Karita smile. Maybe this place wouldn’t be so bad. It didn’t appear as strict and mechanical as everyone made it sound. Pulling away from Morgan, Garcia looped her arms with Karita.

“Over this way will be your desk.”

“Thank you, but I’m supposed to see Agent Gideon first.”

“Oh, he’s a big ole softy you’ll be fine to chat with your co-workers for a few minutes.”

Being led she were stopped at a tandem desk, just like the ones from her old office. Hers had been attached to her sister’s and she began to miss home terribly.

“So if you like it here, is there any way you can stay permanently?”

Karita looked at the woman in shock. “I, well, I never thought about it, possibly, I guess.”

“Yay! I can already tell I like you and it’ll just get better from here. I don’t want any more of my pretties leaving me.”

“I’m sorry about Agent Greenway, I don’t really know the details, but it’s always hard when someone you’re close to leaves.”

Garcia’s eyes down casted. “She was a good friend, yet I can understand, with her circumstances, how the job got to her. I’m hoping she’s happier now.”

Karita nodded, with a sympathetic smile. The jobs could get awful; a majority of the time wishing she herself could opt out of the career.

“Oh, good here comes your desk mate. Karita meet our illustrious Dr. Reid. If there is any fact you want prattled on for hours he’s your guy.”

Karita looked up to the lanky man, stumbling with a files under one arm, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder, and blowing on a mug of coffee approaching the desk adjacent hers. She also took in the blush that took over his cheeks at Garcia’s statement.

“Very funny, Garcia. It’s, um, nice to meet you.”

He smiled but didn’t offer his hand, though with them full would’ve been quite the task. “It’s nice to meet you, too, Doctor.”

“Reid, you can call me Reid.”

This man was shy; Karita could tell by the hesitant behavior, she was sure if he hadn’t worked here that he would bolt from the room.

“Okay, then it’s nice to meet you, Reid.”

He smiled, nervously, straightening out the items on his desk. And Garcia squealed.

“I know we’re all going to do well together, I can feel it. I have a sixth sense about these things.”

“There’s no such as a sixth senses like that, scientists are working on that humans have a sixth sense to be able to detect the Earth’s magnetic field. But to sense friendship is probably never going to happen.”

“And there is your first taste of the good Doctor’s bubble bursting; he also can spout stuff things like that about anything you can think of. Sometimes a beautiful blessing other times a curse. We still love you though, junior g-man.”

Reid blushed again, and Karita couldn’t help but smile at the affection everyone held for each other.

“It’s nice to see all of you so close. I was worried I would be walking into a drone office and I’d have to keep my head down during my time here.”

“No, way, cupcake. We are all about love and splendor here; it’s out in the field you have to worry about.”

“Siskin?”

Popping her head up at her name, she turned and seen Jason Gideon leaning against the railing overlooking the bullpen.

“Yes?”

“Would you care to step in my office before you get too well acquainted with the team?”

Standing up, embarrassed, she began making her descent. “He’s not as bad as he looks. Neither him or Hotch.”

She looked between Reid and Gideon’s office. “I haven’t met Hotchner yet, is he as intimidating?”

Reid smiled. “Worse. But like I said, it’s mostly bark and no bite, they can be very intense and focused when it comes to the job, but they really are good people and friends to the people they work with.”

“That’s good to know, thank you.”

“And…”

She turned slowly, watching Reid struggle with his words. “If there’s, um, anything you need help with, obviously, I-I’m just across you.”

Karita grinned. “Thank you, Reid, since you might get tired of me asking you things.”

 

 

Reid smiled timidly. “I don’t think that’ll be possible.”

Walking up the few steps, she couldn't help but feel eyes on her as she turned around to catch Reid ducking his head and taken a heightened interest in her mug.

Walking up to the office, Gideon held open the door for her, as she sat in one of the chairs.

“You still play chess?”

Looking at the board on his desk she could tell he was in the middle of a game. He smiled putting his hand on the top of her chair. “Yes, Dr. Reid and I play profusely.”

Karita spent a moment searching the for the word’s meaning inside her, why’d he always do that, like he knew her intelligence was nowhere near it should be. She sighed.

“Do you like it here so far?”

“From what I’ve seen, yes, it feels more casual than I thought it would.”

“It becomes a family.”

Karita looked at him, eyes glinting sternly. “Does it?”

“Yes, Karita.”

“Seeing as to how you were so opposed with me being here, I guess one would think you believe I know nothing about family.”

“That’s not true, and you know it. You know exactly why I didn’t want you here. Your mother –“

“Don’t please, I don’t want to fight. That’s not what I was meaning to do. Yes, it’s fine here, and I won’t be long anyways.”

“I wish you didn’t have to do any of this kind of work.”

“So do I, but we’re not in control of our lives are we?”

“Karita…”

“It’ll be odd at first but just like with Strauss, it will become easier to learn you as Gideon. So, if it’s okay, I’d like to get a grip on what is involved in working with the BAU, if that’s okay with you, father.”


	2. Mamihlapinatapei

**Mamihlapinatapei: Yagan (indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego) – The wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.**

Karita had come to terms with a lot of things in her life, and she tried so hard to understand and let many of them go. For instance, she understood why her father gave custody of her and her brother to her aunt and uncle. Mikael had no blood relations to Gideon that was simple enough. After the incident she also knew she was a constant reminder of her mother’s death, something Gideon had never gotten over. So was told anyways. Too many things were brought to her through some kind of grapevine or file she didn’t know how much to take to heart. What she didn’t understand were the constant promises, all the last minute cancelling, leaving, and never taking her with him when she was little when he said he would.

Until now. These last few weeks taught her what she needed. Perhaps it never was intentional, not consciously, but Gideon’s drive went straight to the case as soon as it came in. Nothing else was present to him, not until he had every last detail, not until the case was finally solved. That was when other priorities would come crashing back into his memory. Karita knew he was something of a legend in the FBI, but seeing it firsthand was a different level. His dedication was something she began to admire and fear. This life was nothing unless you had someone to lean on, and from she had observed so far Gideon leaned on no one. All emotional, intellectual and physical wreckage remained within him.

So without thinking, she went to him. She had many loved ones to fall on, ones that knew she would do the same for them. But perhaps her father had no one. She had went by a toy store and picked up a beginner’s chess set and along with some coffee and pastries headed to work. She had dropped the pastries off in the kitchenette before heading to her father’s office. Only, upon entering, to be surprised that Reid had beaten her to him with her own idea.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll –“

Gideon didn’t lift his head from the board but motioned her in further. “Come on in, Karita, Dr. Reid and I were finishing our morning game.”

Reid turned giving her a fleeting look before returning to the game. “It, um, it helps waken the mind in the morning.”

She blushed. “Yeah, I’ve heard, kind of had the same idea, I did bring some coffee and breakfast though.”

Gideon eyed the bag containing the chess set, when realizing what it held, he smiled wistfully. “Thinking of starting a game?”

She shrugged nervously. “I was hoping to learn.”

Reid turned to her fully then. “You never learned how to play?”

She shook her head, embarrassment washing over her. “I’ve tried to learn but I can never retain the information, I – I have a condition where it is hard for me to keep things in my memory.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I’d be glad to teach you.”

She could see Gideon smiling even though his hand covered his mouth, feigning concentration. Her eyes turned back to Reid. “I don’t know. You may get impatient with me, all the other people who have tried to teach me have. And I’d like us to stay friends, Spensar.”

He blushed, he always did when she said his first name, she believed because she could never say it correctly. She did that with almost everyone’s though, except JJ’s and Gideon’s. Derek had become Dereek, Penelope was Penolope, and Hotch was Hoss. She practiced relentlessly, but her mouth and tongue were uncooperative. Derek always found it hilarious, especially with Reid’s name. Her poor young colleague got embarrassed so easily that Derek always had to throw in some brotherly ribbing.

“Hello, to you too, Spensar.”

“How is your day going, Spensar?”

“May I have that file there, Spensar?”

It had gotten a little old, but Karita liked the family air Derek would make with his friend. Though Spencer hated it. Karita had thought about going back to surnames, but remembering what Penelope had said about last names, Karita didn’t want that. These people had been so friendly toward her that they at least deserved their rightful name spoken. Even if it wasn’t said correctly.

Spencer dipped his head. “I think I can be a very patient teacher.”

“Okay, if you promise to not get mad at me, then I’ll promise to pay you in coffee or sugar.”

Spencer’s eyes perked at that. “Did you know that by 1750 there were over one hundred and twenty sugar refineries across England? In that time they referred to it as ‘white gold’ since it was taxed so highly. So it could’ve well been used as currency, the very least high in the barter trade.”

Karita giggled, she loved we he went into one of these torrents. Many people, especially teachers, had given up on teaching her anything knowing she’d either never be able to fully absorb the information or she wouldn’t be able to understand. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to learn, she did so badly, and it was just hard. But Spencer loved to prattle on about any topic someone could possibly think of, as long as there was someone to listen. Sadly, not many of their other colleagues found it as interesting, usually pretending something had come up or plainly walking away. But as long as Spencer wanted to prattle she would listen, trying to take in as much as she could.

“I didn’t know that, I knew chocolate was used as currency a long time ago. So what about coffee? Was it expensive too?”

Spencer grinned. “It was, during the Revolutionary War, they began taxing coffee so highly, many people turned to tea as their beverage of choice, and since they bought most of their supplies from Britain it’s what led to the Boston Tea Party in 1773.”

“That’s when people threw the cargo hold of tea in the ocean isn’t it?”

Before Spencer could reply, Gideon stood up. “While I enjoy this exchange of history, it’s about time to begin work. Karita, how about for lunch I teach you the basics, so we can get you ready for Dr. Reid.”

She nodded, curtly, he was one of the people who had tried to teach her, and though he was very patient she knew it got to him that he had to go everything over and over again. “Sounds good.”

“Perhaps, with enough practice you’ll be able to beat him.”

Spencer rolled his eyes, gathering up his messenger bag. “Thanks for having so much confidence in my skills.”

Gideon laughed, clasping him on the shoulder. “I just want her to be a worthy opponent; we need someone to stump you once in a while.”

Spencer muttered something under his breath as the two went to their desks. “What was that?”

Spencer jerked, blushing. “Nothing.”

“I know I probably won’t beat you, Spensar,but is there any way you can teach me to beat him?”

She nodded to Gideon’s office, and Spencer chuckled. “I’m afraid I haven’t even been able to beat him, Karita.”

She shrugged. “It’s about being a step ahead though, right? I have faith you are more than a few steps ahead, Spensar.”

“That’s right, Spensar we all have faith in you, yah.”

“Quit, making fun of my accent, Dereek, and leave Spensar alone.”

This made Derek burst out laughing. “First off, my sweet Pixie Stick, I’m only having fun with Pretty Boy here. Second, I’m not making fun of your accent, I’m relishing in it. It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”

She blushed at this, wishing she could ball up in her chair and disappear. She knew he was only teasing, but between her accent and the pixie comments she was about to hit him in the neck. She was short, fine, she spoke differently, fine.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Stuff it, Eyebrows.”

Spencer’s own eyebrows shot up, as he snorted a laugh.

“Oh-ho, Pixie Stick had some venom in her, I’ll take it on, cutie, have no worries about that.”

“Guys, we have a case.”

Everyone’s eyes as they followed JJ going up to the round table room, gathering her notebook and pen, Karita followed after her, the boys not far behind.

After everyone was seated, JJ brought up an image of a lifeless young girl on the screen. Karita always flinched through the first image. She had seen death, often, but the young ones, the innocent ones, made her insides churn.

“This is Tabitha Bernstein, she had been missing from her home in New Castle, Illinois for ten days before it was found by a morning jogger. The Saline County police department it is tied to another string of murders throughout the county including another young girl in Stonefort, and a young boy in New Hope.”

“Was the jogger cleared?”

“Yes, there was a vendor setting up near the trail who had seen him, lining it up with the autopsy and amount of decomposition there was no way he could have set her there that morning in a short amount of time.”

“And the victims are teens?”

“Yes, there are five in total, two that haven’t been identified yet, but are estimated to all be around fifteen to seventeen.”

“No, eye witnesses of any other people in the area? No, people lurking around the high schools that shouldn’t be? Any one released recently for pedophilia?”

Spencer spoke up. “Actually the term would be ephebophile, the attraction to someone of the age between fifteen and nineteen.”

Morgan rolled his eyes as JJ shook her head. “Coroner says the victims don’t appear to have been sexually assaulted.”

“Then maybe it’s someone reliving being a parent.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Karita, this is why she should keep her mouth shut.

Hotch looked at her intently. “What makes you think that, Siskin?”

She shrugged, anxious at being in such an awkward position. “Looking at her I suppose. She’s still a minor, so she’d be living under her parents’ roof still, and the way she’s positioned, she’s lain out like she’s sleeping. Were they all positioned that way, JJ?”

JJ nodded. “Only the boys were found to be laid on their side, with their hand on the cheeks.”

“So the unsub’s remorseful.”

“And look at her, there’s no real trauma on her body, she hadn’t been beaten or cut or anything. From the file there seems to be a healing fracture wound to the head, but that’s obviously the blow to disable them.”

Gideon nodded, folding the file closed. “Gives us something to work with for the profile, good job Karita.”

Karita beamed inwardly, hearing Hotch say they would be taking off in thirty.

Getting her stuff she was the last one out of the bullpen.

“That was a good job back there, we usually don’t get anywhere on the profile until we’re all on the jet.”

Karita blushed. “Thanks, Spensar, I was fumbling about so much on the last case, I’m glad to be of some use.”

Spencer laid a hand on her shoulder in reassurance.

“You are of some use, don’t think like that. I can tell you know what you’re doing. Maybe, erhm, maybe on the way back we can start our chess lessons.”

“What if we don’t get back soon? Would you teach me when we’re not working? It might help you unwind.”

“Might help you too.”

“No, I’ll be trying to think of ways to beat you.”

Spencer laughed, then his expression tightening. “You may have a bit to go on that, I’m pretty good.”

Karita’s eyes went to her shoulder and she grinned. “I must say I’m honored for all this, Spensar, especially since I know you don’t like touch.”

Spencer blushed. “Maybe, I like touching you.”

Realizing what he said he blushed brightly before heading off for the jet, leaving Karita’s heart to beat a little bit faster.


	3. Boketto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just more backstory

**Boketto(n) – Japanese, the act of vacantly gazing off into the distance. Losing one’s own self in the distance.**

That made another case over, solved boxed up, soon forgotten. Karita had been right, it was a parent. A father, who had lost his son and daughter in a custody battle; not long after, the mother was killed in a car accident while driving the kids home from a football game. The father, wrapped in his grief, had tried to recreate what he had lost, but none of his victims fit well enough. They were not his children, on some level he knew that, but instead of letting them go he would overdose them on a barbiturate. Letting them fall to sleep. After dumping them, his thoughts would circle back around, hoping to find his children. Karita didn’t know how it worked, but she hoped he would receive some kind of mental help while in prison.

She was now in her claimed seat on the jet, a single chair by the window. She was looking at the night sky, the clouds ruffling as the aircraft sailed through them. Grief did terrible things to people; she had witnessed many times how it would destroy someone’s life. Hers included, she needed to get back on track when they returned to Virginia. She had liked becoming part of this team, and aiding in the case, but she had another reason to be here too, and so far it she was coming up empty.

All she needed was a name, something to go by, there were so many out there that her department needed to track down. But this one was hers, she didn’t kill, she didn’t believe in killing, but she wanted this one dead for what she had done. A life for a life, it sounded reasonable. After all wasn’t that what they were meant to do anyways? They were only following orders from their superiors. She needed to call back in soon. She could probably take some time to visit Aunt Lyne in New York when she got back.

“Kari?”

Looking from the window she saw Spencer had taken the seat across from her. She did her best to smile, which was the wrong move.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just thinking.”

“I know it gets hard sometimes –“

“No, it’s not that. But thank you, Spensar.”

They smiled at one another, only to be broken by Derek’s chuckling from the back. She sighed, exasperated. “Is he ever going to quit laughing at me?”

Spencer smiled again. “He’s not really laughing at you. It’s actually endearing. But more or less he’s laughing at me.”

“Why would he laugh at you? I can tell from this short period of time that he cares about you.”

“Oh, I know that it is more or less a brotherly teasing I guess, it’s nothing though, really.”

“If you say so, he’s still an ass.”

She had said it loud enough for him to hear and looking at the opposite end of the jet Karita saw Derek acting fake wounded, a hand over his heart. Right, like those words even made a dent. Everyone laughed at the exchange before going back to silence.

“Do you want to play chess? Or maybe we could play cards and leave chess for when we get back.”

She looked up at him, eyeing him. He was a genius and she knew there had to be some trick. “I bet you can count them, can’t you?”

Spencer scoffed. “Why would you say that?”

“Because, isn’t cards math? It’s probably simple for you.”

“He also grew up in Vegas.”

Turning to JJ’s voice, Karita saw the blonde smirking at Reid over her the file she was reviewing.

 

“Well, that’s a double threat then, not quite fair to me, Spensar.”

“I promise to play fair, please?”

Karita relented, allowing him to shuffle and deal the cards. “Gin?”

Spencer nodded, going back to his cards. He won four times, she wondered if he truly was just playing or if his Vegas roots were pulling him. Deciding to stop worrying about trying to win she opted to talk.

“So you grew up in Vegas? It gets hotter than California doesn’t it?”

“It depends on what location you’re at, but yes it can get unbearably hot. You’re from California, then?”

“Uh, pretty much. I’ve lived there since I was seven.”

“You don’t talk about your family much.”

Karita looked up at him. “Neither do you.”

Spencer bit his lip in embarrassment. “Touché.”

“What would you like to know?”

“I, uh, I don’t know. What are your parents like? Do you have siblings? I’m just trying to figure you out.”

“And what are you trying to find out, Dr. Reid?”

His mouth sputtered like a fish, and Karita couldn’t help but laugh. She patted his hand before leaning in her seat. “I, well, I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who, obviously live in California, and they’re wonderful. My aunt is a veterinarian who owns her own practice as well as donates her time to SPCAs and other shelters. I would spend a lot of time in those clinics; she gave me my love for animals that’s for sure. My uncle owns a small chain of restaurants, his specialty is meat, mainly beef, but I would have to work at the main one when the first one was just starting out on the weekends, with my siblings. I have two older brothers, Mikael and Simon, a sister my own age, Bianca, and my youngest sister Willow. Not to mention a sister in law and a brother in law and friends, that are as close as real family. Then, of course, you have to count my aunt in New York, my uncle in Montana, and my grandparents.”

“Wow, you come from a large home. So you’re a twin?”

Karita looked at him perplexed. “What?”

“You said you had a sister that was your age.”

Karita giggled. “Oh, no I’m sorry. No, here I’ll show you a picture. No we were adopted in two sets.”

Spencer took her phone gingerly looking at all the beaming faces filling the screen. She began pointed out – Simon, Bianca, and Willow, each of African descent.

“When did your family adopt them?”

“When Bianca and I were like twelve I think. They were raised by their grandmother, and she passed away, with all of us being friends it made sense for them to live with us.”

“Which one’s Mikael?”

“Oh, I’m afraid Mikael’s not in there, he hates his picture taken. I have pictures of him at my house though.”

Spencer could tell the picture was older, his eyes fixating on a younger Karita. He could still make out the pale skin and stormy gray eyes. What drew him was the young man with his arm wrapped around her shoulder.

“Is this your boyfriend?”

Karita’s eyes widened, she hadn’t meant to get one with him in it. But being the first one she saw with her brother and sisters in it she had chosen it. She licked her lips, trying to keep her voice calm before answering.

“Yes, he was.”

“Was? Did you break up?”

“No, he died.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay Spensar, it was a while back it’s okay.”

She could see the question on his tongue, the how, of her boyfriend’s demise. She thanked him mentally for being a gentleman and keeping the question to himself. He knew it would only upset her further. What he didn’t know was that he was much more than a boyfriend and his death involved more than she could ever explain. Could he be someone she could get close to? The feelings of guilt she had while being around him were piling up but she couldn’t stay away. She wondered if Spencer would be someone who could accept all that had happened in her life, someone who could accept her for what she was. Or if he would be like so many out there whose lip would curl in disgust or use her for their own gain. It was hard to know, it was usually easier to never let anyone know, unless of course they were one of you. It was another con of being away from home.

“My mom still lives in Vegas.”

Resting her chin in her hand she smiled at Spencer’s change of subject. Except she could tell that it was an uncomfortable subject for him to talk about too. “What is she like?”

He smiled. “She used to be a fifteenth century literature professor…”

“Oh, wow, I know where those smarts came from now.”

The genuine compliment seemed to please Spencer as he licked his lips before continuing. “She raised me by herself after my dad left. She did the best she could do.”

“Looking at you I’d say she’s done more than that, you’re a good person Spencer, and I can tell you’re also a good son.”

His eyes seemed to take on the distance hers had earlier, and she didn’t know if she should shake him out of it or not. Relenting she spoke. “In a way, I think I can relate, others I know I can’t, but have you talked to him since then, your father?”

Spencer’s eyes filled with anger. “No, he had his final word with me when he walked out that door.”

There would be no convincing him today, but it would be much easier to forgive. Holding a grudge took too much energy and though she got angry with her father she could never hate him. Looking over she saw the old man had fallen asleep in his seat with a book he was reading fallen on his lap, his glasses askew. Spencer was buckled over now, his anger filling him. She could feel it herself, it emanated off him in sheets of fire, and it was his mother he was worried for. His father had left them when her mother was sick, still sick? She couldn’t tell his feelings were too jumbled in that one emotion to straighten them out. So she pulled back, glimpsing back to her own father she felt ashamed.

It was cheating.

He had stated that plainly when she had used her ability during the case. It was cheating to skip the journey and go straight to the source. You would miss the details that way. But if it helped cases, people, then why not use it? She knew that was a reason her father didn’t want her to work around his department either; in hers it was encouraged, it was how everyone worked. But here you had to use natural skill to get things done.

But it was natural for her.

She also thought, in some sense, she scared him. What happened to her and Mikael should never had happened, but it did and thousands of others. Including their mother. She shook out of the reverie seeing Spencer still huddled in his own grief. Getting up she went over and put an arm around his shoulder. She could feel him stiffen before slowly easing, she placed her forehead on his back breathing slowly, getting her own emotions in check. In some ways they were alike, and though it was selfish, she was glad to not be there alone.


	4. Ephemeral

**_ephemeral(adj.) - term originating in Greece, lasting for a very short time; the concept of things being transitory, existing only briefly._ **

Her placement at the BAU was given an extension, and a few weeks had spanned into a few months. Karita could not figure if it was for her benefit or if the FBI was actually having trouble putting someone in the department. She guessed it was the first one. She hadn’t been able to find any information on what she needed yet. Of course, she had next to nothing to go by, no real name, last known location, date of birth, nothing of nada. Karita had hoped to recognize the woman’s face in one of the line ups of the FBI’s databases lists. But the organization she was tied to took care of their members’ identities, making sure they were safe and anonymous.

She hadn’t minded the stay; she kept in touch with her family, touching base with her aunt in New York to know where everyone was assigned to and any updates in the cases that came into their office. It made her feel a tad guilty for not doing her share up there but either way she was stopping bad guys, so she never felt guilty for long.

The team was heading back home after their latest case that was in Pennsylvania. Three girls had been abducted, thrown into a basement, and forced to choose which of them was to be killed. It amazed her how people could think up these was to hurt people, the man had thought he was punishing the town. Hoping to the people would know his pain of being an outsider who cleaned up after everyone.

Looking over from the window she saw JJ engrossed in another case file as she always did on their way back home. Karita wanted to do something for her, she knew JJ was hurting, being in her home state and able to relate to the girls had shifted something in her. Thinking back to the younger JJ in the photo with her friends she wondered when she gave up soccer, were societal pressures put on her to make her strive for something else? Or was it of her own accord to go to work in government?

She’d have to figure it out later, her eyes were getting too heavy, the team trying to track down the unsub before the time he set was up. Now the exhaustion was washing over her and everyone else. When it was safe to take the seatbelt off, Kari decided to get herself a blanket from one of the cabinets. With the way everyone settled in their seats on the way home she wondered why no one else ever got one. Finding them she admitted they were an ugly color, a dirty yellow that reminded her of walking in the bathroom after someone in the morning; very stale urine, no other way to describe that color. She looked at the couch, seeing Spencer draped across the seats, she grabbed another blanket before closing the compartment door.

His eyes were closed, but she couldn’t tell if he was truly asleep or not. She tossed the blanket over him, she made her way back to her seat.

“Aw, how sweet, taking care of Pretty Boy. Should I be jealous?”

During those few minutes Derek had decided to open his eyes, not able to help himself from teasing.

“Shut up and get back to your music, Dereek.”

The response was one of his baritone chuckles.

“Did you really want a blanket, Dereek?”

“No Pixie Stick, go get yourself some rest.”

Her lips pursed involuntarily at the name, though she had more or less accepted it by now, she settled into her seat. Pulling her legs to her chest in her customary position, she wrapped the blanket around herself. Dozing away in her little cocoon. Karita felt a tug, then a mild shake of her arm; slowly she untangled herself from sleep and saw Spencer looking down at her.

“Sorry for waking you, but we’ll be landing soon.”

Kari rubbed her eyes, stretching her legs and back from the prolonged position. “Already? It feels like we just took off.”

Spencer smiled tenderly. “Sleeping does that, t-thanks for the blanket by the way.”

Karita felt heat begin to rise in her cheeks. “No problem, I hope I didn’t overstep anything. I just think a nap’s better with a blanket.”

“Oh, no, you didn’t overstep anything. I agree, sometimes it is better, I’m usually so tired when we board that I don’t bother with getting one.”

Kari smiled, he was talking fast, and his tell that he was nervous. She didn’t know why she caused this in him still, but she found it endearingly sweet.

“If you want I can put yours away with mine.”

“Oh, no you don’t have to do that, Spen.”

Spencer’s brows rose in question. “Spen?”

Kari shrugged. “I thought it’d be better than mispronouncing it all the time. Besides, JJ got the first six letters; can’t I have the first four?”

She could have all of them she wanted. Spencer gulped at his thought, not daring to say it, allowing Karita to continue.

“Besides that’s what you do, isn’t it? You spin us around with all the things you know.”

“That’s one way of putting it, I guess.”

He yanked the blanket away from her, playfully, folding it up with his.

“Wow, not cool, Spensar, I might’ve taken my pants off.”

Spencer coughed in surprise. “We’re back to Spencer now?”

Kari’s eyes lit up. “So Spen can stay?”

Kari grinned before hearing - “I think we just witnessed a milestone in their relationship.”

They both turned at Derek’s voice realizing everyone on the plane was looking at them with a grin on their face. She could tell he was embarrassed, dodging away from their looks while he put the blankets away. Returning he sat across from her, as they had to buckle up to touch down.

Penelope had been waiting to hail them back from their journey. She hugged each of them, well, except Gideon and Hotch who smiled and retreated to their offices. After giving an extra-long one to Derek she turned to Kari, her joy of their return rubbing off on Kari. When the two hugged Kari whispered in her ear.

“I think we should do something for JJ, I think she’s overloaded from the case.”

Penelope nodded, the wheels in her head turning, before a sly grin took over. “We’re going out! We’ll go to the club, ooooh, there’s a new one, Polarized I think it’s called. It’s photography themed, the bar is black and white and the dance floor in color, and they’re supposed to have incredible drinks.”

Derek had approached the conversation, a smile cracking along his face. “Now that sounds like a good idea. I need to get out and let the ladies catch some of these moves.”

Karita laughed. “I’m sure they’d want you to keep them.”

“Think you could do any better, little Pixie?”

Karita shrugged. “Not saying no. I figure I’ll be the designated driver, for one car anyway.”

Penelope looked crestfallen. “Oh, no honey, forget that we’ll get cabs. We all need to have fun tonight.”

“I can’t drink, it messes with my stomach, and instead of risking getting sick I’ll let the rest of you make fools of yourself.”

“Oh poo, I don’t want you getting sick, what about you Reid? We’re taking JJ out.”

He had been listening from his desk, but he still looked startled when he was addressed. Like he figured he wouldn’t be invited. “I don’t know.”

“Come on, Wonder Boy, we need to get freaky tonight.”

Spencer cringed at that. Karita giggled. “Eh, maybe you could keep me company, I’m not too much of a partier but I have a feeling everyone else is going to lose control.”

Penelope feigned offended. “Hey! We are mature adults for the majority of the time, so if we want to get crunk off some cocktails then who’s to say we can’t?”

“I’m not saying anything. I’m just saying I’ll be there to hold your hair when those neon drinks come up.”

Penelope nodded satisfied. “Good. I’m going to go get JJ.”

Watching her flounce away Kari turned to Derek chuckling. “Do you think Hoss or Gideon will join us?”

Derek snorted. “No way, Gideon is more classical and jazz and Hotch is…Hotch.”

Karita made a noise in understanding, watching JJ’s brightened face come around the bullpen with Penelope. “I just want everyone to have a good time.”

“They will, now come on Pixie Stick, you and Pretty Boy can sit in the back to keep an eye on us kids.”

Spencer rolled his eyes while everyone followed to Derek’s SUV. Everybody fit in comfortably though Spencer and Karita were squished together in the back. Their thighs kept rubbing against each other especially with Spencer trying to get his long legs to fit, glad when he was able to convince the girls to pull up the seat. Helping them push it up his elbow came back and smacked Kari in the chest.

“God, Kari I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pull back that hard.”

“It’s okay, Spen, my, um, physical structure took the blunt of the blow.”

Spencer sucked in his lips and went to look out the window, becoming uncharacteristically silent as they drove to the club.

It was packed, and Kari and Spencer looked to find an available table in the black and white room as the rest went to get the drinks. Luckily a man seemed to have charmed a girl away from the table, leaving it vacant. Not too long after their find, the gang came back; the girls with their cocktails, Derek with his beer, a ginger ale for Kari and a Shirley Temple. Spencer’s eyes flared at Derek.

“What? I didn’t think you were drinking tonight.”

“You know I wouldn’t want this.”

Switching the glasses with him, Kari smiled at Spencer. “I like Shirley Temples so I don’t mind.”

She patted Spencer’s shoulder to calm his anger before taking a sip of the over sweetened drink, trying not to grit her teeth as the sugar rushed to her blood. That was enough sugar for the night.

“If you don’t mind, Pretty Boy, I’ll be taking your girl out on the floor.”

Flabbergasted, Spencer started stuttering. “She’s not…She doesn’t even…”

“Yeah, yeah we’ll be back.”

Taking a brief look back she saw Spencer put his head down on the table. “You shouldn’t do that to him. I think he did really well getting out here tonight.”

“I’m just trying to get him out there, I know he likes you, Pixie Stick, and I’m pretty sure you like him.”

Karita nearly grimaced. “Office romances aren’t allowed, it would mess everything up. I just got all of you to accept me here I don’t need to put a different strain on things.”

She was being defensive, guilt of other matters building up inside her. “Whoa, whoa there Shorty, I’m just speaking my mind. It’s up to you too to do something about how you feel. I’m only trying to point him the right direction.”

“Well, I wish you wouldn’t.”

“May I ask why?”

Sighing Karita rolled her eyes and looked on to the dancing couples. “I’d only drag him down.”

Pulling her by the elbow Derek took her on the dance floor, surprising him that she could move to the rhythm with a mixture of fun and sensuality.

“I think I’ve found me a dancing partner on Saturday nights.”

Karita shook her head giggling. “I don’t know about that, Dereek.”

“Where’d you learn those moves?”

She shrugged. “Here and there, I have an affinity for a small number of things, dancing being one of them.”

“And the others?”

He waggled his brows, playfully, and she knew what he was suggesting. “I’m good at languages I guess and reading people.”

_More than you could know._

“Alright, alright if you want to keep your bigger talents secret that’s fine. Come on I think the ladies are signaling you over for a scheduled bathroom break.”

Karita had danced with everyone, but Spencer. And thinking about it she hadn’t seen him since she left to dance with Derek. Searching for him she started to get alarmed until she found him slumped at the bar.

“Spensar?”

Turning abruptly, he fell back against the counter; his eyes clouded and he had become more disheveled than he was before.

“What’s happened to you?”

“You left, still leaving, so I thought I’d get something to drink. Something everyone else obviously thinks I’m unable to handle.”

“I never said you couldn’t drink.”

“You said you wanted me to keep you company and then you ran off with Morgan.”

“I’m sorry, that’s why I came looking for you hoping we could dance.”

“I don’t like to dance, I’m bad at it, my limbs are too long and I can’t move right.”

“I don’t believe that.”

He turned back to the bar, consuming another shot. “Afraid so, I guess it’s a good thing you brought Morgan to dance with.”

“Please don’t be like this, I came here wanting to spend time with all of you, and raise your spirits, but it looks like I did the opposite with you.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I’m right here, Spen, I’m not going anywhere.”

Spencer shook his head, sandy curls flying. “No, when they find someone for the department. I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t know -”

“There’s so much I want to tell you still, we’re alike, I can see that. You don’t say it but I know, you never talk about her, the same reason I don’t talk about mine. I asked Garcia and she found something about it. I meant to tell you, but I couldn’t figure out how without you being mad at me. You have so many secrets, Karita, I can tell. I bet underneath your clothes you really do have wings, don’t you?”

Kari blushed, her breath coming to a halt. He’d been looking things up about her, if Garcia was really that good she wondered how much she could unearth. An alarm went off in her head, causing something to thrust inside her mind, but she was able to push it back. She couldn’t handle any interludes from prying minds she’d have to deal with it later. Her files were concealed, but what he was talking about was for sure her mother…and his. So she had been right then, his mother was sick. The same way as hers. She reached out to steady him, only for him to pull her to him.

“You remind me so much of someone I knew as a kid. She was nice like you too. And so pretty, her eyes, like yours…they -”

A look of horror came across Spencer’s face as he pushed away as best he could and vomited in one of the plants. Not long after he started, the manager came and asked for Kari to escort him away. Assuring him, she was taking him to sleep it off, she alerted the others. Letting them continue with their festivities. She decided to take him to her apartment, it was much closer, and she could tell he was going to get sick again soon.

She looked at him, her hand rubbing circles on his back as he had his forehead pushed against the window. Perhaps it cooled his skin. She wasn’t going to move him if he didn’t need to be moved. So he remembered her, she wondered if he had or not. She thought with the fact she had been unable to talk back then would make it hard to pinpoint her. It took the scarf to remember him though; going from an average twelve year old to a super tall twenty-five year old was quite a bit of an age gap to recall. But she remembered the scarf; after all, she had been the one to give it to him.

_It was late October during their stay in Vegas and the wind had begun to have a chill in it. She didn’t care too much for it, but it was better than being cooped up in the hotel room. Karita was happy she was able to steal her brother’s jacket on the way out. Tightening the sides around her small frame, she made her way through the familiar suburbs. She didn’t know why they had to come back; she hadn’t wanted to come back. But that psychiatrist brought up the word closure and her aunt had jumped on the idea. Karita understood and was thankful her aunt and uncle wanted to help with her pain and wanted her to move on, but being back to the source of the pain was not the way to go about it. But the building was gone now and that’s what mattered. In a way, it had felt good to watch the walls crumble and dust rising. But a wrecking ball isn’t going to scrub the blood away._

_Sighing she wished they would take that sort of interest in her brother’s trauma. But Mikael was never forthcoming about what happened to him. He never even talked to her about it, and he never let her peak. He usually always let her see. It wasn’t really telepathy, okay, maybe it was, but it was more than that. When she tried to read other people she could only get the surface emotion or whatever they were thinking of currently. She couldn’t delve into their heads and hear what they hear, smell what they smell, or live as they were in that moment. She also couldn’t use anyone else as a personal amplifier; using her brothers strengths to bulk up her own or borrowing his gifts completely. And it worked vice-versa._

_Crossing the road she decided she would make a circle and head back before anyone noticed she was gone. As she was about to descend onto the adjoining block she felt a tremble. She felt something painful, but she couldn’t see anyone around. It wasn’t coming from herself. Not this – it was pain of embarrassment, humiliation, rejection, and fear._

_It was strong to be coming to her from such a distance. Usually a person had to be in her sight to feel them but this it was clear as glass. Back pedaling she found herself at a school. Before she could find the source a loud honking came behind her. Looking over her shoulder she wasn’t surprised to see her brother had found her. It did surprise her that he was driving their uncle’s car. Being fifteen he didn’t have a license, and she knew her uncle would’ve taken the keys with him when they left with the gala charity people or whoever. Rolling her eyes she went over to the driver’s side signing her concerns._

_Her brother snorted in aggravation. “You’re getting mad at me? I take a nap and you decide to take off to God knows where. Where the hell are you going anyway?”_

_She pointed over to the school, her tuning picking back up, and heading toward the root of it again._

_“Kari! Karita!”_

**_Annie._ **

_That was a low blow; she gave her brother a dirty look before continuing on her way._

**_Kari, we’re going to get in trouble._ **

**_That’s not my name. That’s not me anymore, and you know that. We’re different people now._ **

**_Not to me, we’re not, those kids never even got to be anything. Don’t they deserve to live?_ **

**_But we are alive; does a name really make that much difference in shaping us?_ **

**_To me it does, Annie._ **

**_Let me help him._ **

**_Who?_ **

_Instead of answering, Karita made her way to the football field; squinting her eyes she could make out a shadow on one of the goals. She cautiously made her way towards it trying to find any underlying threat within the figure. Getting closer she saw it was a boy; he couldn’t have been much older than her. She couldn’t tell if he was conscious or not, he had his head down, chin digging into his naked chest. In fact he was completely naked. She gasped and flushed taking a small step back._

**_He’s naked._ **

**_Who? Who the hell are you talking about, Little Bit?_ **

**_The boy that’s sad, he’s naked, and tied up to the post._ **

**_Fuck sake._ **

**_Didn’t aunty load some of our stuff in the car so we could get out of here quick for check out tomorrow?_ **

**_Yep. Always steps ahead, like a good girl scout._ **

**_Mikael._ **

**_I can already guess what you want, let me park and I’ll bring some clothes over._ **

**_Thank you._ **

_The pressure in her head emptied with her brother gone, and she stepped back to the boy. There were no visible markings on him to show he was injured, but the embarrassment coursing through him was enough damage. Reaching a hand out, she tentatively shook his shoulder. He jerked, and she could almost feel the rope burn cutting into his arms. She began signing, but the boy shook his head._

_“I’m sorry, I don’t know sign language.”_

_Biting her lip, she took off her coat, draping it over the boy. He looked at her in confusion as she set to work untangling the knots. Whoever had tied him had made sure he wouldn’t have an easy time getting loose; three pairs of jump ropes had been tied around him tightly. She heard the boy sniffling and wondered how long he had been out here._

_“Any luck?”_

_Both of them jumped at her brother’s voice, seeing him come with a wadded up thing of clothing. She narrowed her eyes._

**_Did you have to pick out your grossest pair?_ **

**_Look at him, he won’t care, beggars can’t be choosers anyways._ **

**_Will you shut up and help me?_ **

_The boy’s eyes widened in shock as Mikael took a switchblade out of his pocket, starting to the vinyl ropes with ease. She dropped the clothes in the boy’s lap pointing to a nearby tree before signing again._

_“I’m sorry; I really don’t know what you’re saying.”_

_“She’s saying to change behind there when I cut you free.”_

_“Oh. Thank you both. I d-didn’t think anyone was going to help me. I thought I’d be here all night, and they’d come back and laugh at me again in the morning. I thought I’d be here forever.”_

_“They couldn’t keep you here forever kid.”_

_The boy choked on a sob. “You didn’t see them, none of them cared, it was entertaining to them.”_

_“Well, aren’t they a bunch of weirdos.”_

_Cutting him free, Mikael and Karita let the boy shuffle with all the clothing around him to cover himself as he made his way to the tree._

_“That kid’s junk touched my jacket, didn’t it?”_

_You can wash it._

_“Can’t wash that, I’ll still know.”_

**_We should let him keep it._ **

_Mikael grunted in agreement, seeing the boy emerge in Mikael’s sweats. Though the boy was pretty tall he was still thin and the clothing sagged on him. She signed to her brother._

_“My sister wants to know how long you’ve been here.”_

_“I-I, they tied me up after school.”_

_We should feed him and take him home._

_Mikael rolled his eyes agitated._

**_He’s not a pet, Kari, we have to get back too or we’ll get in trouble._ **

_Karita pouted and Mikael easily relented._

_“Fine, damn it. Kid, get in the car, we’ll get you something to eat and take you home.”_

_The boy looked stunned for a moment. “You’ve helped me enough, I couldn’t ask you to do that. I don’t live too far from here anyways.”_

_“Yeah, but my sister won’t let me hear the end of it if I let you go by yourself.”_

_The boy turned to Karita, bewildered. She tried to give her best reassuring smile, but with the boy looking as his feet now so unsure she didn’t think that it worked too well._

_“But she doesn’t talk, does she?”_

_“What?”_

_“You said, ‘she won’t let you hear the end of it.’ Wouldn’t that imply she’d nag you?”_

_“She signs, and she can find other ways to annoy me without using words. Are you getting in the car with us or not?”_

_The boy shuffled, looking between the car and the sidewalk. Kari got into the backseat, hoping the boy would join them. She understood, they were strangers, and strangers, no matter how young, could hurt you. And this boy had been through the ringer today. After standing for a while the boy accepted the offer and got into the back with her. Mikael drove faster than he was supposed to, probably thinking they’d get done quicker._

_“Are you allergic to anything?”_

_Startled the boy looked at Mikael._

_“Pardon?”_

_“Allergic, I don’t want to poison you. My sister and I have several allergies, so if there’s something specific you want you better say it now.”_

_He was mad, she could tell, and she sent him a breeze of gratitude over him. He grunted but didn’t reply to it._

_“It doesn’t matter, whatever you two are getting.”_

_They settled on the patio of a small diner, and they could both tell the boy was nervous._

_“You need to calm down there, man.”_

_“I just don’t understand why you’re both being so nice to me.”_

_“Did you want us to leave you back there?”_

_“No.”_

_“My sister figured you hadn’t eaten, and it’s like what…almost eleven at night. You’re not hungry?”_

_“No, I am. I just don’t understand is all.”_

_“What’s to understand, you were in trouble, we helped. Those people were dicks for doing that to you.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“Don’t thank me, thank this one, she always has to help the underdog.”_

_The boy couldn’t help but give a smile to Karita which she fully returned. After finishing their meal, Mikael backtracked and pulled up to the boy’s house. The boy started getting out before turning._

_“I don’t know how to thank you both.”_

_“Already told you, just tell her.”_

_“I don’t even know your names.”_

_“It’s better that way.”_

_“Well, mine’s Spencer.”_

_Helping him out, Mikael told him to keep the jacket. “I wish you both went to my school. It’d been nice to have some friends.”_

_Karita signed to him, but the boy shook his head sadly._

_“She says you are our friend.”_

_The Spencer’s lip trembled, and Karita went to the car to open the trunk. Getting what she wanted she went back to him, wrapping one of her scarves around his neck._

_“Thank you.”_

_She signed again, her brother interpreting for her. “She asks to try and remember us, because we’ll remember you.”_

_“I won’t, but I can’t take this.”_

_“She says don’t worry about it her dad gave it to her, now he’ll have to bring her another one – I’m not saying that.”_

_Spencer looked between them in confusion. “Please, what did she say?”_

_Sighing in annoyance her brother replied. “She says purple brings out the gold in your eyes, makes you shine.”_

_Spencer grinned, suddenly looking behind him. “I should get inside; my mother is probably worried about me. Thank you both again.”_

_“No problem just got to go faster than normal to get back before our aunt and uncle does.”_

_“I’m sorry I’ve kept you.”_

_“Don’t worry about it. Come on, Little Bit.”_

_Giving one last look at him, Karita stood on her tip toes and kissed Spencer’s cheek before retreating to the car._

Pulling up in front of her apartment, she paid the driver, before heaving Spencer out of the car.

“Do you think you can make it, Spen?”

“I can try, I might…I might need a bucket.”

The only thing they had was a cigarette can by the door. She could replace the sand tomorrow, and she poured it outside and handed the receptacle to Spencer.

“Thank you. I drank too much.”

“You did.”

“But you were ignoring me.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you, Spen. I was spending time with all of you.”

“All those guys looking at you.”

“I doubt that. If they were looking at me they were probably wondering how a kid got into a bar.”

“Why can’t you see how beautiful you are?”

“Why can’t you?”

He was taken aback by the question, falling back onto the railing. “Men aren’t supposed to be beautiful, you know, it emasculates them. Men are supposed to be handsome.”

“Why can’t you be both?”

Getting into her apartment, she settled him on her couch. “Stay here and I’ll get you something to sleep in.”

“I don’t think I can wear your clothes.”

She laughed at his serious tone. “They’re my brothers, and friends, other family. I like to take clothes. If I ever get in your apartment I may take some of yours so fair warning.”

“What could you possibly want of mine?”

“A cardigan for starters, they always look snuggly.”

“You do too.”

She blushed, heat making her palms sweat. “I wish you’d stop talking that way, Spensar.”

“Why? I’m only saying what I feel.”

“I think the alcohol may have more to do with it.”

“No, it’s only helping to encourage me. I’ve wanted to say so many things and I couldn’t. But now I can and you’re leaving.”

“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, Spen.”

“Good, because I want you here.”

“But why?”

“What do you mean why? Because I like you and care about you.”

“I don’t think you would if you knew me.”

She left the room digging through the clothes in her drawers and found some guy sweats and a shirt. About to leave the room she collided with Spencer’s chest.

“Kari?”

She licked her lips too terrified, to move. “Yes, Spen?”

“I’d feel really stupid if I didn’t do this.”

“Do what?”

As she was asking her question, Spencer’s mouth sloppily collided with hers. She wanted to push him away and at the same time she didn’t. Letting him attack her mouth, she sighed, she hadn’t been kissed in a long time, and only by one other person. It felt good. She felt wanted, and cherished in the kiss, even if it wasn’t precise and tasted faintly of purged cocktails. He leaned his head on her forehead.

“Thank you.”

“I don’t think you have to thank the person you kiss, Spen.”

“You could’ve pushed me away.”

“But I didn’t want to.”

“I’m glad.”

Getting him changed she laid him down in her bed, putting on her own pajamas and getting in on the opposite side.

Waking up, Spencer was in pain and aroused at the same time. His head and stomach were rebelling against him. But due to the dream he had just had another appendage throbbed painfully. He groaned, what happened? They came back from a case that he remembered. They went out for drinks. Yes, and like a fool he consumed more than he should have. That explains the hangover. Kari had taken him home, no, he had taken him to her apartment. He was in her house, in her bed, and he had an erection! Opening his eyes, he blinked, only to shriek when he saw a pair of red eyes was staring back at him.

Leaping from the bed he breathed relief when he saw it was a rabbit. So Kari had a rabbit? The white ball of fur stood up on his hind legs sniffing at him. The scare killed his erection at least. Sighing he took in the room, it was nice, in a way it reminded him of Karita. A mix of classical, modern, and bizarre. It was then the smell of food cooking hit him, stomach growling, he realized how ravenous he was. Making his way out of the room he took in how small the apartment seemed, in no time he found her humming while cooking whatever delicious smelling things was coming from the skillet. Taking a better look he saw another rabbit perched up on a stool, seemingly relaxed by her side. The other rabbit bustling between his legs, Spencer squeaked, attracting Kari’s attention.

“Good morning, Spensar.”

He blushed, knowing what an idiot he had been. “Good morning to you too.”

“I’m making breakfast, and lunch. Usually on the weekend I prep my meals so I can just throw it in the microwave when I come home. But since you’re my first guest ever, I wanted to make it special.”

He smiled. “Thank you, but you don’t have to do that, I should probably be getting home and have a change of clothes.”

“Don’t be silly, I already cleaned your clothes from last night. If you want we can have a picnic or something.”

He knew he kissed her, was this her way of establishing something? He didn’t know what to do.

“T-that would be nice.”

“I usually take the bun-buns with me too, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, I got acquainted with one not too long ago.”

He pointed to the white rabbit and Kari grinned. “Oh, that’s March; I can tell he likes you. I came to check on you and he was stretched out beside you on the bed.”

“March?”

“Like the March Hare of course, and this one’s Hatter, if he hadn’t smelt any food he’d probably be lazing with you too.”

“Animals usually don’t like me.”

“I can’t really believe that. You’re too good to not be liked, they can sense that.”

“No, really, they bark, scratch and squawk at me usually.”

“Maybe they don’t get the time to know you better. It takes more than a sniff sometimes to get a feel for someone.”

Spencer shrugged taking a seat at the little island. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Nope, I got everything just about done. You can help yourself to some coffee if you want to though. Or tea, I have every kind of tea you can imagine. Oh, including ones for when you’re…you know…hungover.”

Spencer blushed, taking one of the mugs that lay on the counter. “Coffee will be fine, but thank you.”

“Um…sugar?”

It took a minute for realization spread on Kari’s face before she moved to a cabinet. “I forget some people don’t take to Splenda. I always keep an emergency canister in case of that.”

Handing him the sugar she began making their plates. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a homemade meal. I can’t really cook, unless sandwiches count. So usually it’s takeout.”

“I wish you would’ve told me that, Spen, I could’ve brought you something.”

“That’s sweet of you, but not necessary.”

“To me it is, you shouldn’t just be eating out of a box all the time, Spen. Or sandwiches.”

He chuckled dumping in his preferred amount of sugar. When he tried to move his feet he felt something heavy on top, looking down Spencer saw the white rabbit had made himself at home with his feet. He turned when he heard Karita giggling, it was a wonderful sound.

“See he likes you, he’s doing that so you’ll pet him.”

“Maybe after breakfast, March.”

The white rabbit’s response was to blink up at them with his ruby eyes.

In between bites Karita began cleaning up the kitchen, refusing any help from Spencer.

“You’re my guest, how am I supposed to get a good review if I put you to work?”

So he had leaned back in his chair, polishing off all his food, and downing to cups of coffee before he summoned the courage to speak.

“Kari, we should talk about last night?”

She stopped her movements, facing him, as she braced her hands on the counter. “Which part?”

“All of it.”

“Spen, I –“

Of course the phone would ring, he’d already made a jackass out of himself and maybe ruined his friendship with someone but that phone would always be ringing.

“JJ wants us to come in, there may be a case.”

“Yeah, she just sent me a text. I guess we put this on the back burner for now.”

Spencer shrugged, deflated. “I guess so.”

Before entering the bullpen, Karita pulled Spencer back. He looked down at her hand on his wrist before focusing on her face. She seemed at a loss for words, before searching his face.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, Spen. But I hope you know I care about you too.”

Spencer grinned, hugging her small frame to him.

Entering the bullpen he felt full of life, he hadn’t been this happy in a good while. Things would work out; they could make it work if they tried. He wasn’t going to have to face the dark alone anymore. He was oblivious to anything. Unpacking his things he was stopped by Hotch who was standing next to an older woman.

“Dr. Reid, this is Agent Emily Prentiss.”

“Um, it’s nice to meet you.”

The woman nodded to him, and Spencer turned back to Hotch. This was not looking good.

“Strauss sent her here as Greenway’s replacement. I was hoping you could show her around.”

His heart plummeted to the bottom of his stomach, it was only fitting it would be like this. Only his life could be a continuity of all things unjust.


	5. Kreng-jai

**Kreng-jai: A Thai word that directly translates as “awe heart” or “deferential heart.” It sort of means “consideration,” but often is used to reference the deference you might to someone else’s needs even at the expense of your own.**

After entering the bullpen, Karita had separated from Spencer, heading for the coffee maker. She was relieved that she had, striding across the bullpen with Hotch she caught sight of a woman, a familiar one. Watching as they talked to Spencer, Karita couldn’t help but wonder why the dark-haired woman was here. She worked with Interpol, Karita recalled. Was she in trouble? Were they checking up on her to see she was doing her job? But that couldn’t be right; being international it wouldn’t be in Interpol’s jurisdiction to reprimand her. Karita needed to talk to Strauss. Ducking out of the room, she walked as quickly as she could to the office. Not bothering to knock as she went in the room.

Strauss looked aghast at her entry. “Karita, what in the name of God do you think you’re doing in –“

“Do you know about the woman from Interpol?”

Strauss looked at her in bewilderment. “Yes, I’m the one who requested her.”

“What do you mean you requested her?”

“To replace Greenaway, so you can go back to your team.”

Karita ran a hand through her hair before collapsing in the nearby chair. “So she’s not here because of me…”

“Well, not directly, she had put in a request for enrollment in the BAU several months ago and her resume seemed more than enough to let her join.”

Karita’s heart sunk slightly, so it was over, it’s how it was supposed to be. She knew that. This wasn’t her sector; she didn’t belong here with these people. She needed to be with her family. She wanted to be with her family, but she wanted to be here as well. After all, her father was here, and the two of them were finally repairing their relationship from everything that happened. She had thought he was accepting her. And Spencer…

“Karita?”

She left her daze and glanced up at Strauss.

“I’ve been talking to Gideon about this and we would like to have you as a regular fixture here.”

“My father said that?”

Strauss pursed her lips, and Karita knew she had slipped.

“Yes, he has been reporting to me your progress. You’ve been working well with the other members of the team, you’re able to be compassionate on the job but able to keep sight of the job, and you’ve been contributing your insights of the cases that tend to work beneficially. I’d say you’d be a great asset, and…and I know your father’s proud of you in this.”

Karita smiled, having the words course through her. Proud, plenty of family has been proud of her, but this was something more. Maybe it was because deep down every child wanted to make their birth parents happy. And now she finally got one, even if it would be nicer coming from him.

She realized she had no idea what she wanted. “May I have time? I’d like to perhaps go and talk to my aunt about this. It probably wouldn’t take a day to do it.”

“By all means, but remember there is a place for you here.”

Karita nodded, curtly, letting her mind ponder on her options. She made her way back to the bullpen and told Hotch and Gideon what she was going to do. She wanted to talk to her father alone, but with the new case coming in that wasn’t going to happen.

“Karita?”

She looked at Spencer, the weight in her chest expanding. The sadness that ran across his features hurt, she felt like she had cut him.

“Where are you going?”

She gave a faint smile. “I think we both know what’s happening, Spen. I need to leave for the day to go talk to my superiors in the New York office. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“You could stay.”

“Yes, but…”

“But? Don’t you want to stay here?”

“Yes, but I also want to help my other team too. Would you want to completely leave your old life behind you?”

Spencer shrugged meekly, avoiding her eyes. “Sometimes.”

The weight in her chest hit like a boulder in the sea. “Even if that meant the good too?”

He didn’t answer, continuing to look down at his loafers. She slowly approached him, like a spooked animal. She wanted to touch him, but with the alcohol out of his system she wasn’t sure how he’d like it.

“Spen? Let me hug you, please.”

“I don’t want…this can’t be a goodbye, Karita.”

“It’s not, not really, but I want to touch you, only if you give me permission to. I know you don’t like it sometimes.”

He made no attempt to move, his only reply was to chew on his lip, and Karita made her way over to him. She let her hand rest on the lapels of his tweed jacket, with her biting her own lip and trying to regain her breath. She let her hand wander inside the jacket, running over his dress shirt.

The ones from last night, before she had washed them she had caught his scent in them, and though she smelled her fabric softener in them now his underlying essence was coming through. It smelt like spearmint, patchouli, coffee, and hand-crafted paper. It was etched into him. She had finally gotten her arms around his waist, allowing her head to lie on his chest – her ear right at his heartbeat. All of this was new to her, she had touched her love, but intimacy of either the emotional or physical wasn’t really their forte. Yet this, this seemed to be both.

She sighed, feeling Spencer’s hands glide across her own waist. That was when she felt it, a cracking, it almost made her collapse. Karita never expected something like this to happen; she had been contented with being alone, her life partner waiting in some other beyond for her return. But though it was unintentional, Spencer hadn’t played fair. From the beginning she had sensed his goodness, something so rare and beautiful that she hadn’t believed it to be real at first. But eventually, with much reluctance, she had. And she craved it, wanting something so pure in her life. It wasn’t fair to him though, this…infatuation with her would end soon and through the haze he’d see her for what she was.

The cracking spread through her, shattering her in a million shards. She wept silently, but he knew, and his arms pulled her more tightly to him.

“Can you feel it, too? You’re the perfect fit.”

She laughed, the sudden burst causing a clogging sound from the tears. She was far from being the perfect anything, but she could feel it. She felt something, not wanting to move from this spot. She pulled back a little bit, Spencer’s fingers tracing the outline of her face.

“You deserve so much better from this world, Spen.”

He narrowed his eyes in confusion. “From where I’m at, there doesn’t seem much better in this world than you.”

She sobbed again, the shards of her falling to the floor. “I keep trying to tell you, you wouldn’t like me if you knew me. You’re only seeing a small frame of me, I’m weird, different. I’m not smart, I’m not athletic, I can’t…I’m not…”

“Shouldn’t I have a little bit of say in this? Let me know you, what you’re willing to give to me.”

Karita looked around in horror, realizing where they really were. “We shouldn’t talk about this here.”

“What? Why? No one’s out here. Please?”

“Maybe tonight, if that will be okay. I’m emotional, and not thinking right and I must get to New York today.”

“I could go with you.”

Oh, that would only create more problems, many branches didn’t bother to go to that department, and the fact she’d be bringing him in, and well…it wouldn’t be pretty.

He held her there though as if he were committing her to his memory. And for a moment she actually tried to see herself through his eyes. Her white and silver hair too long and unkempt to keep down held in its regular knot, eyes that were like silver with pieces of her mom’s blue showing through the gray, pale as a damn snowdrift that bruised and burned easily, not to mention she only came up to his chest made her rather more unsure of what he saw.

“Um, Spence, we’re waiting on you in the round room.”

He licked his lips, his eyes never wavering as he answered. “Thank you, JJ, I’ll be right there.”

Not bothering to look away either, Karita knew the room was cleared with the clip clop of JJ’s heels clicking away. Seemed the secret was out now, and they hadn’t even started anything yet.

“I guess I’ll be meeting you tonight then.”

She nodded. “You have to let me go first, Spen.”

He shook his head, morosely. “I’m not a rash person, Kari.”

“I know.”

“I like order and routine, I like to have a vantage point, anything social scares me. But this, with you, I want to try, please know that, what I’m feeling…I can’t explain it, maybe it’s rushed to you but I –“

“I know, in my own way, I know. It hit like a tornado.”

“I do see what you mean, but tornadoes can be detected, and can usually pinpoint its location. Perhaps lightning would be better, there’s sometimes an event called ‘bolt from the blue’ that can occur where the back of the thundercloud can emit lightning sometimes as far as twenty-five miles away from the actual storm so it’s more accurate as to not seeing something…coming.”

The look on her face stopped him. A mixture of amusement and glum.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I like your rambles.”

“You’re one of the few.”

He stepped away from her, turning to his messenger bag. “Here take this with you, you know, in case something happens and you decide not to come back.”

The purple scarf. “I’m not taking that Spen; I’ll be seeing you later.”

“Then you can give it to me then. Please, this scarf means a lot to me, and it’d mean more to me if you’d hold onto it for today.”

She took it from him gingerly, the soft fleecy fabric light in her hands. “You know it’s like ninety degrees out.”

He shrugged. “Be like me when it gets too hot; just carry it for good luck.”

Cradling it under her arm she reached up and pecked his cheek before reluctantly leaving.

A little over an hour later and she was in the bustle of New York, she had moment where she loved the city. But today it was overwhelming the towers leering over her, traffic congestion pounding into her head, and too many people on the sidewalks were making her lose it. She went as fast as she could to the office, approaching the building she walked in letting the quiet and cool air calm her.

“Welcome to NASIC Savings and Loans, how may I help you?”

She couldn’t remember the receptionist’s name but Karita knew her face so she flashed her office ID.

“This is a bank now?”

The woman scanned her badge before nodding. “The dry cleaning service went downhill fast last quarter. So the head turned it into a bank, there’s usually one on every block anyways…and churches.”

“You sound like Teagan.”

The young girl looked appalled. “Please don’t compare me to her. I might be sarcastic but I’m not bat shit crazy.”

The receptionist printed her visitor’s badge, and she quickly went back to her typing, the barb obviously hitting too deeply as Karita entered the elevator.

While the downstairs gave off the air of sterile luxury with high sloping ceilings, marble pillars and floors, the upstairs was much lower key. It reminded her of a model home, beautiful, but having the potential to be lived in. Most of the floors were dark hardwood, the walls painted dark colors of eggplant, sea green, and burgundy. And the floor was bustling; she scooted past her peers, getting a few waves and smiles as she passed to get to the center office.

She reached for the doorknob to find it locked. Looking over Karita spotted Teagan DuPonte filing away on her nails. She, herself had nothing against Teagan, whenever she came to the New York office Teagan seemed to be okay. Yeah, she was crazy, in every sense possible. Yet every single person that worked here was mentally damaged in some way. Sure, Teagan fought with anyone who pissed her off, and liked to set fires, and huff paint. As long as she had her meds she was usually fine. And she was useful, her gift being that of visions of the present, like how Karita did with her brother Teagan’s eyes would randomly see through someone else’s. It came in handy sometimes, though it left her unstable, unsure of who she was, hence the need to huff paint and other vices.

The young red-head eyeballed her as she approached. “Hey Kari.”

“Hi, Teagan, could you buzz me into Coralyne’s office, please?”

“She told me to not let anyone in there today, according to her none of us are worth a damn and lucky we haven’t all died by terrorists.”

Yep, sounded like her aunt, always hell bent on the extreme. “Is there any way there could be an exception? I have to leave before the end of the day.”

With her nails done, Teagan had started to braid her hair, with one hand she continued the task while the other typed in something on the computer.

“Nu-uh, it says here you’re scheduled back here, that you’re leave is over starting at midnight. They’ll send you to wherever after that.”

“That’s what I need to talk to her about.”

Teagan looked at her incredulously, as if she wanted her to unhinge the door. “I’ve already gotten yelled at twice this morning by her, I don’t need any more crap today.”

Karita knew she wasn’t getting anywhere and she only had a few hours before the flight back was scheduled for the day. She knew Teagan wouldn’t give a damn if she got herself in trouble and digging through the her bag she decided to old school it and pick the lock with one of her bobby pins. It was a good talent to have and each woman in her family knew how to do it. A spin of the lock, listening for the twists and line-ups of metal inside, and eventually the click of triumph.

“Who the hell is messing with my door, I’ll have you know I can transfer you in a -”

Wrenching the door open Coralyne looked down at her niece with a mixture of annoyance and rage.

“What do you think you’re doing, missy?”

“Coming in to talk to you. I didn’t know I had to pull a heist just to talk to you.”

“Don’t be smart. If you’re going to talk get in here. I have a horrible migraine and need silence so I’d prefer it if you’d hurry for now.”

“It’s good to see you too.”

Aunt Lyne’s eyes flared; luckily Kari had become immune to the heat years ago. She hadn’t changed at all since Karita’s last visit. She had been letting her auburn hair grow out longer, but the prominent cheekbones, clipped accent that blatantly ran through the family, harsh ice blue eyes, and dark circles under them remained the same.

“What do you need to discuss with me so badly, that it couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”

Crossing the room, Karita sat one of the chairs, holding her hands in her lap nervously.

“I wanted to see if –“

“If what? Quit stammering, and say it.”

“I want to stay at the BAU.”

Whatever Coralyne was expecting, that had to be at the bottom of the list. “What do you mean, ‘stay there’? You can’t stay there; it isn’t your place or position.”

“I know that’s why I wanted to see if you could make it my position.”

Coralyne idled, momentarily speechless, her eyes calculating her niece’s question. “I’m not sure why you want that, or what purpose it could possibly serve, but I do know that it wouldn’t work out. There’s no one there to protect you properly –“

“I can protect myself.”

Coralyne hissed through her teeth at the interruption. “You won’t be able to if you’re working one of their jobs and a rogue from a case here attacks you. How are you supposed to know what to look out for? This isn’t just about what headquarters wants, Karita, this is about keeping all of you safe.”

“I know, and I thank you –“

“I happened to get a call the other day from your brother; he told me you blocked him out when you raised a distress signal. Why was that?”

“It was more of personal distress.”

“And what the hell does that mean?”

Karita shrugged, the scrutiny disabling her. “A lot, someone there was able to look up about mom, you know, when she was put away. Then a man I work with recalled me from a long time ago. It was staggering to me I guess and I panicked inwardly, I guess.”

Coralyne’s stare thaw but her lips tightened slightly. “A man, huh, and he knows you?”

“It was when I was a kid, like ten or something, okay? We helped him and he remembered, not too sure if he completely pieced it together but he said I remember him of the girl that helped him. That I look like her.”

“And do you not think that is dangerous? And you said we…”

Karita flopped back in her chair, exasperated. “Because Mikael was there! Besides why would it be dangerous? We were all kids, you know Mikael was cautious even back then we were just helping someone.”

“Hmmm. I might not have any gifts like the rest of you, but I can tell there’s more to all this man what you’re saying. And to let you know, as your aunt, I don’t think you’re ready for it, Karita.”

Karita wasn’t sure if she meant the job or the man, but she agreed on some level to both. She had no idea where things were heading with Spencer but she knew they wouldn’t get far. With what was and what she did, it’d be better that way.

“Honey, I don’t think I can let you do it, you know you don’t belong there, don’t you? Our superiors will tell you that.”

Coralyne sat back in her chair, templing her fingers together in contemplation. “These…unsubs, they chase, they have no connections to you. Yes, you feel something for the victims as you always do, but wouldn’t you rather catch the people who hurt you? Try to stop them and keep them from taking and hurting other children like you?”

Karita rubbed her eyes, trying to get the prickling to stop. “I don’t want any of this anymore, I don’t want revenge, and I’m tired of looking at it. I didn’t want this life, here or there. I want to be able to make my own decisions. I want…”

I want to move on.

Coralyne’s face softened. “I know, believe me, I do know. But this is our curse, Karita, look at our history, this is what our family has had to do. Anything to survive and this is out of my hands. This is why I decided to be in this, and the only things I can do for all of you are to give you the tools you need –“

“And keep us together, I know, and I thank you so much for that.”

Coralyne sighed loudly, throwing her head back, before getting up. “Look, maybe I can find some way to let you stay down there. You take on the jobs that I need you to, and you can go about with whatever you’re doing in Virginia.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I can think of something to tell everyone.”

Leaping from her seat, Karita lunged into an embrace with the older woman, startling her. “Okay, okay, get off me please. I’ll do things through headquarters, but you’re going to have to think of your own explanation to the family, I already know Cordelia was planning some kind of party for when you got back.”

The smile fell, knowing she was going to disappoint her family in not returning now. She’d figure this out, it wasn’t forever it was only for a little while longer. If it got too hard or complicated there would always be a way to pull out, right? Hugging her aunt one more time, to the older woman’s reluctance, she headed out.

“And Karita?”

“Yes?”

“Believe or not, I do want you to be happy, so good luck at this finding yourself.”

“I know and thank you. I’ll need it.”

“And don’t be surprised if you have a package at your door.”

“A package?”

“Eh, you’ll see, now go, the left side of my head is pounding again.”

Heading back home, she was tired, and confused there was no package when she went to the door to look for her keys. Digging through her bag she fell backwards when her door opened.

“Hey, Kari.”

Looking up she was amazed to see her sister inside her apartment. “Bi? What are you doing here?”

“Aunt Lyne called.”

Karita rubbed a hand on her forehead. “Oh my God.”

“I know right? She was telling me this crazy shit about you not coming back to California; that you wanted to stay here in this little shoebox. Why wouldn’t you buy a bigger place by the way, it’s not like you can’t afford it.”

“I wanted to budget in case the job didn’t leave enough to send to aunt Cory and the clinic.”

“Yes, because it’ll run out pretty quick right?”

It was sarcasm, Bianca was good at it. “To me it would be, and this place functions fine. Where are my rabbits?”

“Calm down they’re here, I let them out of their pen to run around. You do that right?”

“Yeah, move so I can get in.”

“Rude, but fine. So…you going to tell me why you’ve decided to stay here, you tired of us?”

“You know that’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“I want to do something for me, to make my own decisions for something. I’m finally talking to my dad, Bi, actually getting to know him. I feel we’re getting where I can ask him about mom. I want to know how they met, when they fell in love. I want…”

She stopped, shame returning to her.

“What’s the matter, Kari?”

Karita looked over and stared at her sister’s dark eyes and the sympathy they held. Shrugging she sat on the loveseat with her. “I met this guy.”

Bianca’s eyes perked and she smiled. “A guy you say? And here I thought you would come to my side sooner or later.”

Karita laughed. “Afraid not.”

“So what’s bad about the guy?”

“Nothing, it’s me.”

“You?”

“Yeah! We’re not…normal, Bi. And what about Alden? I keep wondering what he’d think about this.”

Putting an arm around her shoulder, her sister nestled in next to her. “I think he’d be happy that you’re moving on, that he’d want you to find someone to take care of you, one that you could care for in return. That he wouldn’t want you to be lonely.”

“”Do you really believe that?”

“I do, and as far as the other stuff goes down the road if he really loves you and I mean REALLY, then tell him. Tell him everything you want to, he should be able to accept everything.”

“Maybe.”

“So is that why you want to stay, this guy?”

“His name’s Spencer, and maybe partly. What we do, we just eliminate the problem, and we don’t even treat the people we’re after as human. And they are, even if they have lost their way they were someone’s child once, and they were hurt just like us. But there it’s just to catch, not to kill and though it still can be gory and violent, it’s not as much. I don’t know, for some reason it feels like I’m helping more. I know we do what we have to do, that there’s no way to really reverse it or keep the ones we chase into rehab or whatever but it feels neverendingly hopeless.”

“Yeah, I can see what you mean.”

“And it’s not forever; I’ll be home sooner or later. And I still have to take on some cases in New York.”

“Cool, maybe I can get assigned there and we can partner up. If Mikael hasn’t beaten me to it.”

“Does he know?”

“If not through you, aunt Lyne probably spilled to him.”

“How’d you even get here so quick?”

“I was technically in New York, I was going to surprise you regardless, but aunt Lyne called telling me to try and talk you into going home. In case you really weren’t sure you wanted to stay here.”

“Of course she did.”

“So the way I see it, we order pizza, and we’ll say I tried.”

“Yeah, I like that idea. You can order, I’ll pay, and take a shower. Then maybe you can catch me up on home while we eat.”

“Excellent.”

“Where you headed, Pretty Boy?”

Spencer jumped at the voice, since the case hadn’t required any physical involvement, only the profile, they had been free to stay at the office. Finally free of paperwork, Spencer was bolting to get to Karita’s apartment, to see what she decided. To change her mind if he had to, he hadn’t been counting on Morgan catching him.

“Um, home I guess.”

“Oh, I think our Wonder Child is lying to us.”

Garcia, too. There was no way he’d get away from both of them.

“I’m not lying, I just have to make a stop first then I’m going home.”

Derek crossed his arms, looking on in amusement. “Oh? And what’s the stop?”

Spencer huffed. “Fine, I’m going to Kari’s okay? I don’t want her to leave, so I’m going to ask her to stay. I already have, but, I want to see what she has decided.”

“And then change her mind?”

Garcia grabbed Spencer’s arm. “I’m in let’s go.”

“What, all of us? I was hoping to…”

“Come on, Reid, she can’t refuse if we all gang up on her.”

Derek chuckled. “And you think ganging up on her is the way to make her stay?”

“I can’t have any more of my babies leave, come on, we’ll see if JJ will go too.”

Arriving the team looked around in puzzlement. “This place doesn’t look like the kind of place, Pixie Stick should be in.”

“I know the rooms are even smaller.”

“How do you know that, Reid?”

Spencer blushed and sputtered. “Last night, when I got drunk, Kari brought me here.”

“Awww, Kare-Bear was taking advantage of the G-Man.”

Spencer slapped Garcia’s hand away from pinching his cheek. “She was not. It…you don’t understand.”

“We know, Spence, she was trying to take care of you.”

He looked at JJ and nodded. “She was.”

Knocking on the door they waited a few minutes with no answer. Spencer looked at it sadly. “She texted me that she was home not too long ago.”

Derek knocked more loudly, getting an unfamiliar voice yelling at them, the door swung open and a young girl looked at them in bewilderment.

“Okay, there is way too many of you and not a single pizza, the hell?”


	6. character list

Character List to The Definitions between Heroes and Villains:

  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/30a7d66313501a3cdeda979fa1f461c8/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo1_500.gif) [](https://67.media.tumblr.com/2099e81588b4c68fce99e291aea45641/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo2_250.gif)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/4fec40be9704bc1203acbd28d19ea6c6/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo3_250.gif) [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/fa7ea2117e0c49e5133caf1fefe78510/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo4_250.gif) [](https://66.media.tumblr.com/b31c5d5758ec014814f2d08d1f6716fb/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo5_500.gif)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/56e39d435afb1039424f65c4cfc40474/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo6_500.gif) [](https://67.media.tumblr.com/65a47b996c589dd5fd0c24ef1349a35b/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo7_500.gif)   


  
[ ](https://67.media.tumblr.com/424b5689f16356ac990142cb8aa68e29/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo8_500.gif) [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/7dec6ede0a4183f9a255773aeee792f3/tumblr_oe8mk9NcrI1ujpn5qo9_400.gif)   


Wanted to post a better character list for my fic - TDbH&V:

Generation 2:

Tier one:

India Eisley: Karita Siskin aka Winter

Brett Dalton: Mikael Winter

Tier two:

Bianca Lawson: Bianca Giles-Winter

Lee Thompson Young: Simon Giles-Winter

Amandla Stenberg: Willow Giles Winter

Tier three:

Dave Franco: Ethan Gardner

Anthony Padilla: Alden Gardner

Tier four:

Holland Roden: Teagan DuPonte

Rami Malek: Kyle Sheiver

  
[ ](https://67.media.tumblr.com/b660d851a0db33d493958d6ae7b22e86/tumblr_oe8nltFCk01ujpn5qo1_500.gif) [](https://67.media.tumblr.com/0814cc7798bfb8550cf7e32b80ef9267/tumblr_oe8nltFCk01ujpn5qo2_500.gif)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/403148f1f44475feffabe999c5b6bfb3/tumblr_oe8nltFCk01ujpn5qo3_250.gif) [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3f7d50d1cdc64fe9f9002fe47fcfbfc6/tumblr_oe8nltFCk01ujpn5qo4_500.gif)   


[ ](https://67.media.tumblr.com/dab9f148f8b08cadd37f772f900bc60a/tumblr_oe8nltFCk01ujpn5qo6_250.gif)

Character list: Generation 1

Tier 1:

Jessica Lange: Grandmother (Nana) Brigid Winter

Julianne Moore: Aunt Coralyne Winter-Fisher

Tier 2:

January Jones: Aunt Cordelia Winter-Moreno

Robert Downey Jr.: Uncle Robert (Bob) Moreno

Tier 3:

Mandy Patinkin: (of course, but couldn’t help put a younger version) Jason Gideon

Jodi Lyn O’Keefe: Corrina Winter

Have not thought up characters for the badies or other family members yet, but I thought this was a start since most have been mentioned.


	7. Opia

**Opia: The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.**

"I suppose I should ask who all of you are before I let you in. But I can already take a guess."

Spencer spoke first. "We work with Kari at the BAU, you're Bianca, Kari's sister right?"

"That's right, glad to know she hasn't truly forgotten us down here. Come in, I'm afraid she's in the shower right now, but she'll be out soon. And food should be on the way."

They all smiled at the young woman, taking note of the brisk way see talked, staggeringly different from her sister's blunt accent. Slowly they made their way into the apartment, taking a moment to look around; it was small, but decorated well.

"It's nice in here."

Bianca smirked, already putting on a pot of coffee. "Compared to the rest of the building I'd say it is."

Derek nodded his head in agreement. "Now that you mention it, the building is in need of a few updates to bring it better in code."

"And here I thought all of you worked for the FBI."

"We do, but I like to flip houses on the side."

Bianca nodded, taking mugs from the cabinet. "Sounds like too much work."

Penelope came up behind her. "Here let us help. How long are you planning on staying in Virginia?"

Bianca had scooted over, letting Penelope take over the cream and sugar part of the coffee. "Just a few days, actually I was sent mainly on a mission. I was coming anyway but I'm supposed to talk Kari into coming back to California."

Penelope knocked a mug over at that. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I got it, and it's not the one with the flowers on it so Kari won't mind."

"You startled me; I thought you said you were here to take Kari away."

"I, um, kind of did."

"Oh, but you can't do that you see WE'RE here to convince her to stay."

Bianca eyed the perky blonde. "You care about her don't you?"

JJ stood up. "We all do, we hate to see her go."

Penelope nodded. "You have to understand, doing what we do, we become close. We're a family, and I know you're her family too, but we don't want her to leave."

Bianca smiled at the different levels of irony. "Believe me when I say I do understand. But you can relax. I was called and told, since I was coming here regardless, to try and convince Kari into coming home. But I'm not going to make her. If she's happy with the BAU then I hope she stays. She's closer to her dad since moving here, she says she's actually learning new techniques, and then there are all of you. When Kari starts to trust someone they do, in fact, become part of her family. I mean, that's what happened between us, and I got adopted. But usually it isn't an easy feat. So I know all of you mean something to her. Yes, her family misses her, I've missed her, and will continue to until my move to New York, but she deserves to make this choice herself."

Derek looked to her. "So you'll be moving to New York?"

"Yep, put in a transfer, a plus when you work for family."

Spencer perked at that. "Kari said your aunt was a veterinarian."

Bianca shrugged. "The one that raised us is, but Coralyne, in New York, manages banks. A lot less glamorous than it sounds." She stood up on the counter. "Okay, there are cookies, but I don't know what you guys eat."

"Oooh what kind are they?"

"Macadamia chocolate chip, but we eat like dietary restricted foods. So there might be kale in it or something. Kari has the worst gut issues so she's had to eat that way forever. The rest of us more or less transitioned into it, but I don't know what your opinions are about it."

Penelope dug her hand in the bag, taking a slight nibble. "They're not that bad."

Bianca laughed, taking a few cookies for herself. "They're an acquired taste for sure, but you get used to eating like that."

"I don't know if I'd want to. Oh, by the planet Neptune, what do we have here?"

Everyone's eyes turned to the scarf that was lying by the window. Bianca's eyes twinkled at the object.

"I know, she gave that thing away years ago, but lo and behold, poof, out of nowhere. Kari used to wear that it all the time."

Spencer's head reared. "How many years is years ago?"

Bianca shrugged. "I'm not sure; she had it when we met though. Her dad gave it to her. He never comes around a lot, especially back then, so it meant a lot to her. She gave it to a guy she met when she went to this demolition thing."

"Did, she, erm, was she able to talk back then?"

Bianca's eyes met his. "How…No, we met when we were almost nine; she used sign language or a dry erase board during that time. She wasn't able to talk properly until she was nearly twelve."

Penelope sniffled a little. "Wow, that's not in her file, that she does sign language, yeah, but I had no idea she was mute."

"She doesn't like to talk about it, people made fun of her for it all the time; I'm surprised she told you."

Her gaze was locked on Spencer's. "She didn't outright tell me, I kind of figured it out."

"Could you maybe keep it to yourself? Like I said she doesn't like people talking about it."

"I think everyone here will respect that, but thought it's a rare condition selective mutism isn't unheard of am –"

Bianca held her hand up laughing. "You are exactly as my sister described."

Spencer blushed, still reeling from the mass of information dropped on him.

"It's not a bad thing, she likes it. You talk to her as an equal. Plus she says you're helping her with learning chess again. Pretty much everyone else who knows how to play has given up on teaching her. I know it means a lot to her that you're willing to."

Spencer's blush increased, him adding in some fidgeting. "It's nothing; really, she's actually doing fairly well with it."

"She says her goal is to beat you."

Spencer smiled. "I will wish her all the luck with that."

Hearing the water shutting off, Bianca excused herself. Entering the bathroom she banged on the door, scattering the rabbits that had nested in Kari's discarded clothing.

"Holy shit, what? There's money in my bag for the pizza."

"No, but I will take the money, but some friends of yours have shown up and I didn't think you'd want them seeing you strutting around naked."

"Shit, I wasn't planning on walking around the house naked with you in here anyways, but thank you for the heads up. You didn't have to scare my bunnies though."

"They're fine."

Karita figured the others had tagged along when Spencer had tried to come here. She was glad to be giving them good news though. She threw on so yoga pants and tank top, opening the door to let the bunnies follow her to go and greet everyone.

"I'm sorry; I would've come out sooner but I didn't know you guys were here."

Penelope walked over to her, the glee evident in her eyes. "All is forgiven since you brought some bunnlicious in here."

Derek shook his head in amusement. "Why rabbits?"

Kari shrugged. "The landlord wouldn't allow dogs, and my beagle Baxter hadn't been up for a move anyways so I took some rabbits from home. They're quiet and manageable, not to mention cuddly."

Penelope scooped up Hatter, allowing March to solo it out on the floor. "So, how're things?"

"Good. They'll be even better Pixie Stick, if we know you're going to be at your desk tomorrow."

"I guess they're better then. I talked to my superior, and Strauss and they said I could stay."

The sounds of cheering bounced off the walls as Kari hugged each of her team. Folding herself back into the chair next to Bianca she collapsed in contentment. Lazing back, she then eyed the near empty bag next to her sister.

"Who said you could eat my cookies?"

"I did, I was being a good host and offering some refreshments. No one but me has the same taste as you though."

Bianca knew her sister wanted to argue with her, that those specific cookies she hid in the back for a reason. Why couldn't she have eaten the ones in the other cabinet? She wouldn't do that with her colleagues there so she was scot free. Of course she'd buy her some more, but it was nice to see her frazzled. Especially since she hadn't been keeping in touch as she should have been with everyone.

"I didn't know you had a tattoo."

The girls both looked over at Spencer, Karita immediately looking down at her bare arms.

"Oh, yeah, I hadn't really thought about it, I guess, seeing as the department frown on sleeveless attire."

Penelope squeezed into the loveseat with the two girls. "Would you care if I took a closer look?"

Kari kind of did, but she couldn't deny her something so simple. So she nodded pulling the thin strap higher to show more of the picture on her shoulder.

"It's beautiful."

Kari blushed. "Thank you, Nel."

Penelope smiled at the new nickname, still admiring the star and rose.

"It's from the Little Prince, isn't it?"

Karita looked over at Penelope a smiling coming over her face. "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I fell in love with that story in my teens I still read it when I need a cry."

Kari nodded. "My mom read it to my brother and me when we were kids. It always stuck with me too."

"What does it say? I know it's French but that's as far as I'm getting."

Kari's blush returned, her peripheral vision turning to Spencer. "I had thought since the book was originally published in French it'd make the most sense the caption is, but it, um, translates to – Forever he will be my rose as I will be his star."

"Awww that's sweet."

JJ sat down on the armrest. "Awfully romantic, was it for someone special?"

Ugh, she hated that word. "Yes, it was. I'd been talking about getting a tattoo for a while to cover up an ugly scar I have on me but I never got around to it. H-he died and I wanted to do something…I wanted to do something so he knew I would always remember him. I had told him of the story too, and he always thought of himself as the rose. He thought I was the one to tame him, even if I never thought of him as vain, but he said, like the rose, he was made unique by someone's love for them. Though I suppose I could've been the prince to the rose, I opted for the star. Like the story, he had said he could look at the stars and be reminded of me, that I would be able to outshine them all."

The more she spoke the more words tumbled out of her mouth; retreating inside herself Karita knew it was a bad time to wallow.

"I'm so sorry you lost someone that close to you."

She eyed JJ feeling the woman's own pain beginning to waft. She must have lost someone close to her too, not a lover, no, a brother or sister, maybe… Karita breath hitched, she had not been able to handle Alden's death well in any way, but the thought of losing Mikael or any of her family. She would not be able to cope in the world.

"He meant the world to me, he always will. But that doesn't mean I don't have room in my heart to grow and keep loving. It took me a while to realize that, but I am better with it now. More than I have ever been actually."

Karita felt their stares on her, wishing she had not revealed as much in one sitting as she had.

The silence made Bianca suck in a breath. "Well, I think that was a good session, if it's okay with the rest of you how about you show me somewhere to get some food, because I am literally starving right now."

Everyone smiled bracing themselves up and preparing to leave.

"Whoa, not you skyscraper."

Spencer looked down at her confused. "Oh, come on, I'm making the perfect scapegoat here so you two can talk and you're trying to walk out."

"No, I wasn't trying, I thought we were –"

"So you stay I will be back, I might bring food. So, yeah let's go."

Penelope refused to let go of the rabbit.

"Stuff him in your purse, darling I'll bring him back. Let's give them some space."

Bianca winked at the two of them before closing up.

"I'm sorry; my sister's not subtle about anything."

"That's okay, I hadn't meant to bring everyone along, but they wanted to try to encourage you to stay."

"I'm glad they did, I – I guess I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to anyone."

"Of course it was, it is, we all care about you, you know? You're one of us now."

Kari smiled looking up at Spencer. "One of you?"

"Yes, you have been for a while, I hope you know that."

"I didn't, but I like the sound of it."

She looked down then, playing with the frayed thread at the end of her top. "I'm sorry if the tattoo makes you uncomfortable. I guess the story behind it I mean. I – I, uh, don't know what we are Spen or what we will be, and I hope this sounds better than what I'm thinking… But, Alden will always be with me, there are so many things that will keep us together, but, even with that, please know there is room in my heart. That there's something there and will be."

"I understand, Kari, I would never take someone who meant so much to you away, I'd never want to take anyone that you care about away. I just hope you have room for me."

Kari laughed, almost dolefully. "Yes, Spen, I believe there will always be plenty of room for you."

Spencer motioned forward. "Would it be okay if I hug you?"

Kari grinned. "Of course, Spen, I'm the one that's supposed to ask you, remember? So I don't bother you misypophobia? Is that it?"

"Mysophobia, and it's fine, it only bothers me around people I don't know."

 _But you don't know me._ Kicking the thought aside she let herself shuffle into his arms, easy enveloped by his lanky frame. "I was close."

"Hmm?"

"To the word, I was close."

"You were, I like that you listen, it's nice. Though I don't know how to feel about you wanting to beat me at chess."

Karita giggled. "And why not, afraid to share the crown?"

"No, I just hope you know it's a very small chance you will, and it might be more luck. There's an infinite number of moves on a chessboard and I've slowly been trying to study them, so unless you –"

"I'm not worried about that, whether it is luck or not, I will steal your queen."

"That's not the whole purpose of the game, it's more to find the best strategy –"

"It's war."

"It is!"

"I feel sorry for the pawns in the game."

"I think you're falling asleep on me."

"I am not! I'm comfy like this. Like last night, you're a spooner, Dr. Reid. No wonder Dereek doesn't like to bunk with you."

His fingers started to do his nervous tapping motion. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I'm only letting you know you might not be his type."

"Could I be yours?"

"Yes, Spen, I think you very much could be. I've never had a type before; you're too wonderful to pass though. Could I be yours? I know we're kind of different personality and intelligence wise, but maybe –"

"Kari, either one of those matters, I mean it does, I think you're an amazing person, your personality is one of the things that drew me, your compassion and willing to help people. And you shouldn't talk about your intelligence; I've never believed you can truly measure a person's intellect. I know you know the world in a different way, and that's great, to discover things and learn them all the same way we wouldn't unearth anything."

She sighed, she could feel he was being genuine, and she let herself sink into him.

"Karita?"

"Hmmm?"

"What are we now?"

 _A very loaded question, Spen._ "I know you mean something different to me, a good something. But what we are and what to do about it are out of my comprehension entirely."

"I know what you mean. I'm not asking for this to be an outright romance overnight, but I would like to know that you're going to be here."

"I am, Spen."

"Good."

"I know one of your secrets, Karita."

She stiffened tremendously. "What?"

"The scarf, you gave it to me. You were the one to save me."

Her stomach eased a little. "I didn't save you, Spen, I just wanted to help you. You sounded so sad."

"You did, more ways than you know."

After a moment they pulled apart, the sound of knocking startling them. After giving the delivery guy money, Karita got some plates to dive into the meal. Spencer had already grabbed a slice of pizza and appearing to be analyzing the contents.

"I could make you something else if you like."

"Oh no it's fine; I've just never had a pizza made like this before. Um, what's the crust made of, it kind of looks like walnuts in it?"

"It's made of quinoa, flaxseed, and cauliflower."

Karita couldn't help but to laugh at the look of distaste Spencer was trying to hide. She patted his knee going back to the phone. "I will eat this, and we'll order you, a pepperoni?"

"Pepperoni, olive, and sausage if that's okay."

"That's fine, it'll probably be here in the next thirty minutes or so it says. I could make you something else until then."

The smile that sprung on Spencer's face was precious. "No, that's okay, you should probably eat something though, and maybe we could watch something together. I think there's a Doctor Who marathon on BBC."

Kari picked up the abandoned slice, letting the flaky crust linger on her tongue. Finishing the bite she looked at him. "What's that about?"

Spencer looked like he had been shot. He had jumped back, his forehead creasing, as he took a sharp breath. "You don't know what Doctor Who's about?"

Kari shrugged innocently, not understanding the big deal. "I've never heard of it before. I know you like Star Trek and I've heard of that, is it the same?"

Spencer leaned forward, cutting the air with his hands. "No, not really, no. It does have classifications of aliens in it and the character of the Doctor is one, but it's mainly about time travel, and –"

Spencer spun into all the missing serials and backstories of the characters. Apparently there had been ten Doctors thus far, and his main goal was to travel with a Companion to study the world without interfering in it. Spencer had been so worked up with his explaining that time was able to pass much more quickly. The pizza was delivered and they were both able to dig into their food as Spencer brought up the show, allowing her to see what he was talking about. She still put up a fuss about it being out of order, Karita preferred to watch a tv show in the order it was made, and though Spencer explained the episodes didn't necessarily need to be in order. Karita only partially complied saying she would have to look up the first season later.

At around midnight, Karita began to worry about her sister, texting to make sure she was okay. It appeared her sister was having a good time with the team, after figuring out why Bianca wouldn't bat a lash at his flirting they started wing manning each other and scoping out the girls. Bianca even sending her a picture of a woman's prominent chest.

**Sorry you missed these, I know you like to scope out the chesticles.**

Well, at least she was getting along with everyone. Looking over she saw Spencer yawning, and she had to fight off one of her own.

"Maybe we should turn in."

Spencer looked at her cautiously. "Yes, I think I'd like that."

She gave him some more of her hoarded clothing to change into while she was satisfied in sleeping in her loungewear. Unknotting her hair she let it fall into a mass that tickled the end of her back.

"You should wear it down more."

Karita squeaked in surprise at Spencer's entry, making him chuckle in response. "And here I thought I was the skittish one."

Coming up behind her Spencer delicately let his hand touch the long locks. "Is it rude if I ask what your original color is?"

Karita eyed him from her mirror. "Just brown, like my brother's, and our mother's."

"Why do you dye it, I mean, I do pay attention, I know Garcia dyes her all the time and even JJ does but acts much more discreet about it. But why? I bet your hair's beautiful the way it is. There is psychology involved in it, which it can work therapeutically, like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon. That it makes the person dying their hair feel more like who they're truly meant to be. I just don't see it."

Karita smoothed down the frizzy ends her comfort ebbing away. "My mom used to dye it all the time when I was little. I guess in a way that's an easy part of her I could keep."

"Why would your mom do that?"

"You know, Spen. I don't think either of us had the picturesque childhood. My mom thought bad people were looking for us, me in particular, since she never changed hers or Mikael's appearance. But we hid and she tried to make me look different so they wouldn't take me away."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pried."

"It's okay; I think…I think you may be one of the few people who can understand."

"I do, my mom had been sick even before I was born. It wasn't until much later she was diagnosed with schizophrenia."

"It makes it harder and easier when there's a name attached to it doesn't it?"

"Yes, harder that you know something is wrong and easier because you think you can find a solution."

"Exactly…my mother's was trauma-induced psychosis. I think I should mention she worked in this line of work."

"She was in the FBI?"

"No, no, though that was how she met my father, no, she worked for the ATSDR, and was tranferred to another department for some of her research.

"At least now I know why you entered this field, it appears to be in your blood."

"Yeah, you could definitely say that."

They crawled under the covers and for a little while longer before they both were making incoherent words both dozing into slumber.

_It was autumn and the sun was hitting the trees just right able to waft the fragrance from the cedar trees. It was still warm, though the dress her mother had made her wear was very itchy. She was waiting for her brother, he was the only one allowed to leave the cabin and she often waited to hear every detail of his visit to the town._

_"Anna! Anna, where are you, meine süße?"_

_It was whispered, her mother believed in whispers, she believed in silence. Teaching her and her brother to talk with their hands and not with mouths, no one would find them if they stayed low and quiet._

_She tiptoed her way back over, the leaves crunching beneath her filled socks. She made her way to the back of the house. She had already become fluent in words with her hands and she greeted her mother accordingly. The older woman chuckled, making Anna smile. It was a good day, whenever her mother would smile or laugh Anna knew she was here with them and not in the other place. She didn't like when her mother went away, the mother that replaced her wasn't right. She did not speak to them in whispers or prepare their food or sing them lullabies, no the other mother stayed in the basement often muttering bad things to herself and giving them awful tasting medicines when she was upstairs._

_"Where did you go, my little Annie?"_

_Her hands twisted in response. "I am waiting for brother to come home."_

_"He will be home soon, you know it takes him a little while to get the groceries and things we need."_

_"I know momma. Momma, could I go with him one day?"_

_"Yes, of course, one day soon, but not yet. It is still unsafe for you."_

_"Why, momma? Why me and not him?"_

_"You are both special, but you have potential bubbling inside of you, and these people want it. I want you to be strong, my love, to fight back."_

_"I don't wish to fight."_

_"I know, I do not either, but sometimes there is no other way. Your brother already sees that."_

_There was crunching behind and Anna whirled, startled and scared. But it was only brother, brother who promised to protect them both forever and ever. She sent her happiness through him, glad for his return, and he grinned the feeling echoing through each of them. She was allowed to help unload the bags, mother saying they would make cookies later. Anna liked the peanut butter ones; her mother letting her put her thumb in the sticky dough before putting them in the fire lit oven._

_She wandered back outside the sweet scent lingering on her dress, as she watched her brother looking at the lowering sun._

_"What is the matter?"_

_"Nothing, Annie, nothing."_

_"You are worried."_

_"No, I'm not, you're looking too deeply, and you shouldn't do that."_

_"I can't you know that, I only see what you're showing on the outside, and you are scared and worried. What's wrong?"_

_Her brother didn't say anything else, blocking his thoughts from her. Their mother soon ushered them in to eat, hurrying to clean up before the sun was gone and they would have no light. Letting them change into their nightclothes and brushing their teeth, their mother tucked them in. Winding up an old record player she sung to them, she said her mother sung it to her as a child, and they would sing it to their children. Anna giggled, she could not see herself as a mother. Not like her mother. She kissed their noses._

_"Sleep well, lieben."_

_They did until a crash from outside their room was heard. Anna jumped, her chest wanting to cry out at the disturbance, it had to be momma. She rolled out of bed and tried to wake her brother, only to find his bed was nothing but empty sheets. Wandering out to the dark hallway, she tried to feel around her surroundings. She made her way to the kitchen, hoping the sliver of moonlight would help her see. Turning she saw something moving in the dining room._

_"Annie."_

_"Momma!"_

_Careening over, she fell next to her mother. Now she could see the stain on her nightgown, the pristine white weeping red from her stomach._

_"Run, Annie! Find your brother and run!"_

_Doing as told she fled, stumbling into the woods and trying to call out to her brother the only way she could._

Karita jerked awake, that was not a memory she wanted to relive, kicking the blanket off she looked over and saw Spencer still sleeping. She was glad she knew he hardly ever slept. He looked so peaceful, his face completely unmarred by everything. She hoped he was dreaming of something good. Peeling herself off the bed she went into the kitchen, Hatter twitching at the end of the bed before deciding to join her. She turned the coffee pot on, and decided to make pancakes for breakfast. Going over to her guest room/office she checked to see if her sister made it in.

She was splayed out on the little day bed, her dark hair falling into her face. "What are you looking at?"

"Jesus, Bi, I was just seeing if you made it from your little escapade last night."

"My escapade went fine thank you, we all danced and ate, and drank, God we drank. I had to have had nine Kamikazes. My plane has went into a tailspin and crashed."

"How about some tea for us then, I'm making pancakes."

"Sounds good, I need something starchy to soak up whatever's in my stomach."

Pulling hair from her mouth Bianca sat up and stretched. "I'll meet you in there, I might not be much help or company but I'll be present."

Karita laughed, making her way quietly back to the kitchen. The coffee pot beeped that it was finished, and she poured a cup for Spencer carefully sitting beside his bed so he'd find it. She didn't know if he'd wake soon or not, but she wanted him to know she thought of him. It was still too early to be up, the sun barely coming into a red haze from the navy blue.

Prepping up the batter, she decided to make two kinds since the pizza hadn't gone over too well with Spencer. Hearing a flop at the counter she assumed it was her sister.

"You want blueberries in yours?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Here's your tea."

"This isn't the kind that will have me puking everywhere is it?"

"No, it's regular black tea with some green tea brewed with it."

Putting the pancakes on the platter she put them on the island making a few more and starting to clean up some of the mess. Sitting in front of her sister, she saw the accusatory smile on Bianca's face even with the hangover plastered in. God, what was she expecting to have happened?

Upon waking Spencer realized his eyes were open yet he couldn't see. Was it a blindfold? He nearly panicked, but stopped when he figured out his blindfold was breathing. Moving his hands to his face he removed the fuzzy obstruction.

"March, why would you do that?"

The white rabbit's answer was to unhinge his jaw into a yawn. Spencer chuckled, letting his hand hesistantly run over the soft fur. He was prepared for a bite, perhaps for March to at least run away, but the rabbit began clicking his teeth together. It left Spencer in awe, he had begun reading on rabbits yesterday when he had took lunch and he knew this was chittering, a rabbit's purr. March was content around him. He had slept through the night again, and seeing the empty space beside him he knew his new bed mate had risen before him. He spotted a mug on one of the end tables, with a post it saying, 'drink me.' Smiling he took a sip, coffee, a little cold but with the perfect amount of sugar to suit his taste.

"Where'd she go March?"

The rabbit only blinked at him, but an answer came outside the door. The sound of girls giggling filling the empty spaces. Walking out he saw Bianca on one of the stools. Kari leaned on the other side of the island, Hatter sat in the middle of the living room, a berry in his mouth. March had made his way over to his companion trying to sneak a little nibble of his snack, giving him a growl that Spencer wouldn't think the small creature was capable of. It sounded like a snotty snort but Spencer knew it was an act of aggression. Hatter wrenched away with his snack galloping to escape on top of the ottoman.

"March it's too early to be greedy, come here and get your own."

Hearing his name called, March's ears perked, and made his way into the kitchen.

"Good morning, professor."

The greeting had come from Bianca, and he tried his best to get over the nerves he had at the young woman's newness and greet her too.

"Good morning to you t-too."

Bianca smiled, patting the seat next to her, and Spencer made his limbs cooperate and sit down in the offered chair. He was rewards by a warm smile and a stack of pancakes from Karita. He took note that his looked a good deal different from theirs and hated that she went through more trouble at making sure he was happy.

"Professor, I like that, could I call you that, Spensar?"

Licking his lips, he made use of his fidgeting and grabbed the syrup that was offered. "If you want to, Im not really a teacher you know."

"You give lectures a lot and you teach me new things all the time."

"I take it since you're still here things went well last night."

Kari had moved back over to the stove, but Spencer could still see the hints of a smile and the flush coming up her neck.

"Oh, I've already grilled her, I'm asking you."

"With that technique, you could be an interrogator."

Bianca grinned. "I could, answer the question."

"Things went very well last night."

"Whoa, you two have got to quit giving so much TMI."

"TMI?"

Kari had come back over with a pitcher of orange juice in hand. "Too much information, Spen, sarcastic wit and irony are Bi's specialty."

Spencer held in a snort, filling his mouth with the sweet, fluffy goodness to refrain from laughing as Bianca got up.

"I'm going to get dressed, let you two say good morning since you're both being so chatty. Just don't forget your meds before we leave alright."

Spencer looked between the two women, unsure of what to ask first. From the anger on Kari's face he wasn't sure he should ask. Luckily, Kari was willing to answer one of them.

"I talked to Gideon and Hoss this morning, and they're going to let me take the day off since I wasn't planned on being in anyways. I thought I'd go with Bi and help her look at apartments. I'll be back on BAU time tomorrow. This gives you guys time to get to know the new girl."

Spencer smirked. "You're sounding jealous."

Karita shrugged. "Maybe I am. This is new to me. Maybe I'm afraid she'll be better at this and you guys won't need me. I'm not sure how all to describe it."

"I promise you, Karita, you're just as qualified as she is."

"Doubtful, but how much do you know about her?"

"Nothing besides her name, but I know you, and I say you're qualified."

She smiled tenderly at him, leaning over the island to kiss his cheek. Moving to the corner cabinet he saw different medicine bottles inside, one being something like a liquid sweetener bottle with a prescription label on it. He watched her squirt it into her orange juice, causing the light orange liquid to turn into a sunset color, the red hues from the medicine still swirling in the glass.

"Are you sick?"

She looked blankly at the glass before answering. "No, not really. I see this as mainly a super vitamin, my system is very wonky and it's hard to keep all the vitamins I need from eating and supplements. This just ensures I get them all."

"Bianca said you had to watch what you eat all the time."

"Yeah, we all do on some level, but me more so I guess. It can get old sometimes but I'm used to it."

"Ready to go?"

The two turned to Bianca before looking down at their pajamas. Getting dressed the girls drove Spencer to work since he had ridden with Derek yesterday. They both waved enthusiastically to him as he entered the building.

"I wish you hadn't mentioned the meds, Bi, he didn't need to know that."

"If you two are going to be a thing, you need to start transitioning him. He can't be left completely alone in the dark about things, damn, don't you think he's going to wonder why you have a cabinet full of drugs if he sneaks around one night for a midnight snack? Besides, you deserved it, don't think aunt Coralyne forgot to mention you not showing up to check your levels this month. That was part of the deal to make sure the job wasn't fucking with you."

"I hate doctors."

"I know, but Stiever down there is more a mad scientist than an actual doctor."

"Wow, that's a vast improvement."

"Shut up and get to driving."

"I do need to talk to Coralyne about the new woman at work though. I meant to yesterday, but trying to figure out a way to stay kind of made everything else go over my head."

"Were you that worried about leaving lover boy?"

"So funny, no. I think she works with Interpol. And I think she was part of the group that investigated everything when Alden was killed."


	8. Reflective

**Reflective(adj.): relating to or characterized by deep thought; thoughtful**

“Are you going to move anytime soon?”

“Oh, hush, I’m thinking.”

Spencer adjusted his glasses before looking from the chess board to his opponent. He smiled at Karita’s concentration for the game. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her chin resting in her palm as she studied their pieces. She had gotten quite better at it; she had been telling the truth that it had taken a little while for her to pick up on things. Her mind had refused to take in the information immediately. But she was prevailing and she had already taken many of his pieces from the board, though that didn’t mean she was going to win, of course.

He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of her as she pondered her next move. He had been enjoying her company, even more so now that she was staying with him as her apartment was cleared. He chuckled internally, knowing it would set her off if she knew what he was laughing at. She had been cleaning her apartment, she said that’s what she always did on Sundays, and was mixing the cleaning supplies in a bucket. Her mind had idled elsewhere and instead of pine cleaner she picked up toilet bowel cleaner instead, mixing that with the bleach already in there. She had pretty much made mustard gas. The poison control had called a hazard team and everything to evacuate the floor and the one above it. Luckily the only homes that were in any danger since Kari lived in the farthest apartment were hers and her neighbor, Mrs. Fargus.

Karita had put up the elderly woman and her Yorkie in a nice hotel until the apartments were inhabitable again. Spencer had been incredibly angry at her, almost to the point of yelling when he had found her with a medic in the chaos outside. But it had receded, when he saw how guilty she looked. She had felt bad for being foolish, and after his rant so had he. He couldn’t let her stay in a hotel, not since he had been staying in her apartment a good majority of the time. And though he was incredibly nervous with the idea he insisted she stay with him. He never had many people in his home, let alone a woman, well, there was JJ and Garcia, but they didn’t count, did they? They were female, but he didn’t view them in the same way. He didn’t mind how his home looked when they came over, but Kari, what would she think of the sprawling mess of papers and books? The lack of food in the fridge? The way he left his socks all over his bedroom? It wasn’t dirty he dusted and cleaned the place when it was needed, he was just messy organized.  
But his hand shook when unlocking the door nonetheless and fidgeted foot to foot as she looked around. She had picked up his spare glasses he had forgotten on his book shelf and looked through the frames, realizing there was no way to see through them she propped them on her head and studied the shelf.

“How do you reach the ones at the very top?”

He came up behind her then, almost a good foot taller than her and touched the bottom of the second to last one. “Usually for those I get a step stool.”

He looked down at her and smiled, she smiled back as she stood up on her tip toes not coming close to touching the one he had. “I’d probably need a ladder.”

He had laughed, nerves disappearing. It had been a nice few days, it was odd, but in a good way to have somewhere there to talk to, to cook and eat with, to just enjoy time together. He had viewed the apartment as an extension of the workplace and a place to sleep. But all of a sudden with another presence it had become cozier, a place to look forward to coming to. The only drawback were the rabbits, Kari had warned him but he had waved it off, not believing the small creatures could cause any real damage. The first morning he had went to make coffee he had found his copy of Paradise Lost in shreds along with one of his throw pillows tore to pieces the stuffing seeping out like clouds. Kari had been more upset than he had, though he was disappointed that he had not thought it through correctly. She had pinned up plastic over the bottom of his bookshelf and put the pillows, as well as his papers up on the dresser at night. She had also tried to cage them at night, but being used to freedom for so long Spencer could hear their whimperings in the bedroom and after tossing and turning couldn’t take the pitiful sounds any longer.

Kari had giggled at him from her side of the bed, claiming he was nothing but a big softie. That had to be his favorite thing, sharing his bed. He had never imagined a beautiful woman would be so willing to lie side by side with him. The nightmares were never completely gone from either of them, but it was a comfort to have someone there with him. Just to be able to watch her peaceful slumber put him back at ease enough to try again, whereas before he would inhale pot after pot of coffee to avoid what waited for him when he shut his eyes. She hadn’t even blinked when she saw his Tardis nightlight. She had grinned exclaiming she knew where that was from.  
It did worry him though about where he was supposed to take things. They never put a real definition to what they were, at the moment it could be very good friends, but was he able to put more behind it? It scared him that he could mess something up so easily. The only other girl that he had kissed was Lila Archer, he never counted the ones that had used him in college, and in the end all it did was spark too many questions. Should he tell Kari about that? Would she be mad? Jealous? Would she want him to kiss her? He knew she didn’t have much experience either, only being with her childhood sweetheart. But Spencer knew it was different for guys, the whole double standard and all that, and though he didn’t very much believe in it he wondered how much experience a guy was supposed to have. He wished he could talk to someone about it, Morgan maybe, but then again, he had no desire to deal with the teasing that would ensue.

Some nights they would be sitting on the couch together, and he would turn to her, his mind whirring about what to say – I’m sorry, I’ve only kissed one other person besides you and have no as to what I’m supposed to do. That the times in college when girls acted like they liked him because they wanted something from him, or that the time she had met him tied to a goalpost was because he was told a girl, Alexa, he’d never forget that name, had feigned minor interest in him. He had so many issues with trust, and for once in his time a lack of knowing, he felt smothered. And before the whole mess spewed from him, she’d turn to him suddenly, a small, sad smile on her lips as she reached out to cup his cheek as if everything he had thought had been spoken out loud.

It was those little gestures Spencer craved; he already knew Kari had a tendency to touch. She was a very tactile person; he had known that from his first observation of her. The way she had downcasted her eyes, and the firm to limp of her hand when she realized he would not shake it. And he had watched this from her, knowing that the denial of touch was a form of rejection to her. It was odd, they were completely opposite on many things but from his fear of contact to hers being refusal of contact was something he hadn’t gotten over.

He had explained to her the amount of germs spread through a single handshake, that many hospitals and restaurants were banning it as a form of greeting due to the infections and illnesses spread through the establishments. She had rebutted with she’d just wash her hands afterwards. Except he knew she watched him as well and before long her handshakes and hugs began to cease and he had felt guilty. She had thrown it off with a shrug, claiming she liked being able to touch him more than a stranger. But he had told her it was fine to resume, not wanting to diminish her personality. Though he had begun tucking bottles of hand sanitizer in her bag for that reason, even if the studies had shown they were not as effective as the bottle claimed.

“Are you going to move, or are you going to sit there staring at me, Professor?”

The nickname jerked him from his reverie. It always seemed to do that, he knew it was the playful side of her personality, but he couldn’t help the male side of him that imagined her saying that in a different scenario.

“Can’t I do both?”

She smiled, the humor evident on her face. “I suppose so, what were you thinking about so intensely?”

He shrugged his eyes peeling away from her and onto the board. “Mainly about you.”

“Me?”

Before it would’ve been so hard to be that honest with someone, now it came as steady as a gulp of coffee. “Yes, am I not allowed to think about you?”

It was teasing and she knew it. “Of course you can, Spen, but I am kind of right here. What could you possibly be thinking about?”

“About how much I like you here.”

She kicked him under the table softly, though he still eeped for the effect. “I like being here with you too, Spen, it’s been fun.”

“And easier, don’t you like being closer to work?”

“Yes, but…”

“And it’s a safer neighborhood.”

“Spen.”

“Morgan had said he found a good townhouse within the same price range as the apartment you’re in not far from here. He’s very particular when it comes to the places he chooses so you know it’s very well maintained.”

“Spensar, we’ve talked about this.”

“I want you to be safe. And not gas yourself.”

“I won’t be doing that again anytime in the future, I promise.”

“Please? Won’t you just look at it?”

He gave her the puppy dog face as she called it, and though her face was angry he knew she was cracking. “Fine, we can look at it, but it doesn’t mean anything, Spen. I like where I am.”

“Just keep an open mind.”

“Hmph.”

He moved his piece. “I just want to know you’re somewhere where we all know you’ll be all right. Not a place where you get asked if you want drugs or a good time when you enter the building.”

“I know you guys don’t think I can take care of myself, but I can, when I need to. Check.”

“I know you can, everyone does, remember we were there when you pinned Morgan down when you two were wrestling. But just because you’re capable doesn’t make you safe. I don’t want you to have to be alone all the time, this way any of us you need can be there. Checkmate.”

He watched Kari study the board trying to find where her tactic failed, and huffed back in her chair. “It’s not fair; I never win anything with you.”  
He chuckled, getting up to fix them some tea. He seemed to be taking to the beverage at home more and more. It was soothing and didn’t rev him as much as coffee did. He still fixed it nearly the same, a little more sugar than he was supposed to and a little milk, whereas she was a spoon of Splenda and splash of lemon juice. Sitting it in front of her on the couch she thanked him, as she flipped through the channels. Being Saturday nothing was really on, and they settled on an antique show. It felt so nice today, they should go out in a bit, Kari had already opened his curtains and opened the balcony door to let the cool air circulate through. Which the rabbits had taken to lazing out on. He put his arm around the couch, and she soon settled in the crook of his shoulder. Feeling bolder Spencer let his hand drop to the top of her shoulder, rubbing his thumb in smooth circles, he had felt her seize for a second before relaxing back in his hold.

Maybe he could, just one kiss, to gauge her reaction. As if thinking the same thing she turned her face to him, a rosy flush coming across her cheeks. Letting his other hand come up to cup her cheek, he brushed the hair from her forehead before leaning down. Everything felt like it had went in slow motion as he watched her close her eyes, her lips forming into a light pucker, as he closed his own. He could feel her shaking lightly, as his lips began to gently brush down to hers, and within a hair’s whisper – the phone started ringing.

Wrenching away, Spencer went to search for the phone. “Son of a bitch. Everytime. What?”

He turned back to Kari, as he listened to Morgan talk. The blush was still on her cheeks, but the nervousness appeared to have faded with his outburst. “What are you and little Pixie Stick up to today Pretty Boy?”

“Uh, actually we had been talking about you before.”

“Me, why? Has she finally come to her senses and wanted to get on the Morgan Express?”

Spencer snorted at his friend’s persistent wisecracks. “No, Morgan, she hasn’t, I mean she hasn’t lost any sense in the first place. No, I talked her into looking at that town house and maybe we could see when – hey!”

Feeling something collide with his head, he scooped down to pick up the pillow Kari had flung at him. He turned to her to see a look of amusement and exasperation on her face.

“Well, maybe we can go today, I was able to talk Baby Girl into some four wheeling and barbecuing. That led her to inviting the new girl and everyone else so we kind of figured of making it a team day thing. But we should have time to go look at it before picking her up and pushing off to the woods. I’ve been doing some upgrades to the lights in the kitchen to make it more modern but she can change it out if she doesn’t like the look.”

“I’m not too sure about going off into the woods near Stuarts Draft, there’s been over ten thousand deaths due to ATVs in the last twenty years not to mention that there’s been over one hundred and fifty thousand this year. Plus all the potentials of poison ivy and wildlife…”

“Quit griping, Reid, everyone’s going and who knows you might have fun.”

“Let me ask Kari.”

“Of course, consult the missus.”

“Shut up, Morgan.”

Turning to the couch he saw the curiosity on her face. “Would you want to hang out with the team today?”

She nodded eagerly. “I heard something about four wheeling. I'm up for that.”

Spencer sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get out of the afternoon. “Yeah, we'll go.”

“Good. I'll be down there for you two in half an hour. Wear something besides a sweater vest and loafers, Reid.”

Spencer grumbled his reply before flicking off the phone. Taking the pillow he playfully batted Kari back with it, causing her to giggle with delight. “So what are we doing, Spen?”

“I suppose we change our clothes. I don't even have something for the outdoors. I don't think I have enough bug spray either. I'm not looking forward to this.”

“It'll be okay we can pick some up, and you have some of those shirts I gave you. That should be fine. If we get bit or something there's always calamine lotion. You never know, you might have fun.”

“The ride itself will be a hundred and sixty-three point three miles.”

She gave him a patient smile. “I'll look at the house without griping if you try to enjoy yourself.”

Spencer had to work had to refrain from rolling his eyes. “I think having a nicer place is nowhere near as bad as getting eaten alive by insects.”

“You might as make the most of it and get changed. But first-”

He watched her approach him tentatively, before standing on her tiptoes and letting her mouth land lightly on his. His mind was melting, he was trying to process everything that was happening. Letting the eidetic part of his brain take over and commit this to memory to replay over and over. The kiss seemed over before it started, a small motion of lips, and he was reluctantly grateful not knowing how he'd feel or what he'd do if her tongue had touched his lips.

She backed away shyly, tucking a curl behind her ear. “I wanted to do that before another phone call came.”

Spencer looked at her speechless for a moment before smiling. “They do seem to come at the most inopportune times.”

“We might as well get dressed, Professor. I guess I should call the kennels to see if they have room to watch the rabbits for the afternoon.”

He already knew better than to argue, neither would want them to stay in their pen, and the house would be in tatters if they left them out. So he went into the bedroom and rummaged his dresser for one of the t-shirts she had lent him to sleep in. He smiled, he was becoming like her when it came to stealing clothing. Finding the shirt, he found a pair of cords he didn't mind getting dirty before gathering his Converses.

“You ready?”


	9. Impulse

**Impulse(n): 1. a sudden strong and unreflective urge or desire to act; 2. a driving or motivating force; an impetus: 3. a force acting briefly on a body and producing a finite change of momentum.**

 

The day had been exhausting. The moment the two left and went to look at the house with Morgan, Karita had snubbed her nose at it. Proclaiming it was too large for her, too much room, too much space. What was she supposed to do with it all?

 

Morgan had given her a look of amusement. “Too big, huh? That’s the first time a woman’s said that to me.”

 

Karita rolled her eyes. “It is when I’m the one that has to clean it. Can you imagine the dust that could pile in here when only one person, who, by the way, is gone a majority of the time is to clean it? And why would I need all these rooms, anyways? I need only two, one for me, one for a guest, and maybe a nook area for my computer. I don’t need all these bedrooms or bathrooms. I don’t expect a bunch of people knocking on my door to take a shower.”

 

“And what about, Pretty Boy? What if he needs a shower?”

 

Karita didn’t hear the teasing suggestion underlying the words and turned back to him angrily. “Then he’d use mine! I don’t appeal to more than is necessary, Dereek, so could we just go? I thought we were going to the park! Let’s get there before it gets too late.”

 

Spencer watched her go, and felt a familiar hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry kid, none of us care for where she’s living at now. And there’s plenty of place I have to show her. We’ll crack her; no girl leaves Derek Morgan unsatisfied.”

 

Despite the pun, Spencer hoped he was right. She didn’t need to be there, he had Garcia look it up, and it had staggered him knowing that complex had a twenty-five percent increase of drug related crimes as well as theft in the last five years. It calmed him that he wasn’t the only one worried now, but he had the feeling that it was going to be like pushing a brick wall.

 

Getting there hadn’t been any better, Karita’s mood had brightened instantly as she greeted everyone, but it was still too humid for the fall weather the sticky air lingering on his skin like a film. Not to mention he already heard that whir of bugs flying around his head. He had doused himself in spray before getting there but the noise itself was an annoyance. He suddenly felt something on his back, seeing Karita behind him.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Being so…agitated back there. I know I’m being stubborn, it’s in my blood. But I should’ve at least looked around and pretended to show an interest.”

 

“I don’t want you to pretend, Kari. I want you to genuinely want to live somewhere better. You deserve to, what would your family think if they knew you lived in a place like that?”

 

She sighed heavily, leaning against a spindly tree. “They do, and they’re not happy about it, at all. Bianca let it slip when she got back, I don’t know if it ‘slipped’ when she showed them pictures of my place. First I got a raving fit from my brother, then one of those fake sweet orders from my aunt Cordelia trying to coax me out of there, and then my grandmother called threatening to drag me out by the hair of my head. I know I’m going to have to move, I don’t want to I like the size and the location isn’t as bad as everyone thinks it is – I’m within walking distance of everything I need to be. But…majority rules I guess. I’ll have to figure something out for Mrs. Fargus though, she’s one of the reasons I don’t want to leave. But I don’t know if I’ll let Dereek help though, I just know if I found a good place with him, he’d gloat forever about it.”

 

Spencer had tuned out a little, grinning broadly until she looked at him questioningly. “What, Spen?”

 

“I’m just glad you’re getting out of there.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, you say all this but then stay in my hovel more than your own home.”

 

“Maybe I do it to protect you.”

 

Karita looked at him, and he tried to give a sheepish smile, making her laugh. “And here I thought you were there for the company, or more likely, the food.”

 

Spencer leaned up against the tiny tree next to her, wincing inward as the scratchy surface dug into his back. “It’s not my fault you can cook, and I do offer my help, you always tell me no. And you know I like spending time with you, you make me different.”

 

She tilted about to say something when the women started yelling at her from the picnic tables. Haley and Hotch were the last ones to arrive and they had brought little Jack with them. Spencer was always hesitant when the toddler was there, having no real reference to children he didn’t really know what to do with them. And they were too fragile – you could hold them wrong and drop them, cut their fingers on your hair, they could puke all over you, and cry for hours and never able to figure out what was wrong with them. No babies and toddlers were not his thing, but seeing Karita approach them so excitedly Spencer couldn’t help but be impressed at how she handled Jack.

 

She seemed confident holding him, bouncing the little one up and down in the air letting him giggle relentlessly. She held him with an instinctiveness he wondered if all women had. Though he already knew she was a natural nurturer. She had mentioned her brother, Simon’s wife, had found out she was pregnant and he could tell she was beyond excited to get the chance to spoil him.

 

“You’re being a bit too obvious there, Reid.”

 

Looking over his shoulder he saw Morgan approaching with a beer extended him. Spencer took it halfheartedly, knowing since Morgan was already one of the designated drivers he would be making it his mission to get him drunk. Taking a sip of the carbonated liquid he grimaced at the bitter taste, the bubbles already churning in his stomach. He had no interest in being inebriated today, and knew he’d have to find somewhere to dump the rest out without anyone looking.

 

“Have you made a move yet? Being at work and in that apartment of yours, you’ve had ample opportunity.”

 

Spencer looked away, uncomfortable, and shrugged one shoulder impassively for his response.

 

“I got my money on you, kid. JJ and Garcia say you might be too shy to take it somewhere but I see –“

 

“It’s no one’s business, but we have kissed.”

 

“I know, Baby Girl got it out of the small fry over there that you gave her a smooch when you were knocked on your ass, I can’t say that counts as a level on the relationship meter though.”

 

“It was today.”

 

“Today? Really? My man! He’s finally getting a lady. So how’d it go? Was it over breakfast with you giving one of your germ statistics and you gave a little pucker as an example or what?”

 

Spencer shuffled his feet. “Actually…this time, she kissed me.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Morgan’s expression faltered a fraction. “That’s great, it is, and it lets you know she’s interested. But, come on man, you got to instigate as well. Show her how interested you are too.”

 

“Psychologically the first move is more of an act of dominance in men to show they are still the stronger in the role of leadership of the relationship. It’s been proven over time it doesn’t matter who makes the move it only matters if both people are in –“

 

“Okay, we’re out in the woods and I don’t have a notebook and pencil to take notes so let’s skip all that.”

 

“All I’m saying is we’re both interested, and I was making a move you were the one who interrupted it.”

 

Morgan clapped him on the shoulder. “Oh, really? My phone call disrupted the genius romantic’s moves? I apologize for that; get her next time, Casanova. I am happy for you, Reid. Though I admit, she’s not actually the girl I pictured you with. I saw you favoring to the more librarian type of girl.”

 

“She’s volunteered at libraries.”

 

Morgan shook his head, laughing lightly at Reid’s misunderstanding. “I don’t know what you two talk about, is what I’m saying, man. Like common interests and things.”

 

Spencer shrugged. “Everything. We talk about our favorite things, our childhoods, what we want with life. Then there are times she’ll just ask me to tell her something – anything and she’ll let me ramble on and on for hours about whatever I chose to talk about. Then sometimes I’ll ask her to make up a story to tell me and she goes on in vivid details of the most whimsical things.”

 

Morgan stared at the younger man watching him try to explain his happiness and the things he enjoyed of his first relationship. “So opposites really do attract?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Spencer looked at him dumbfounded as if it were obvious. “I don’t mean magnetically, Reid, I mean you and little Pixie over there.”

 

“Oh, yes, yes I suppose we do.”

 

He looked over at her pensively, before his eyebrows came down in confusion. “Morgan, does Kari seem a little on edge over there?”

 

The older man looked at the girl seeing how her posture was stiff, hands grasping at her knees, her lips pursed as if trying to hold in her anger. All the signs of someone extremely uncomfortable or upset.

 

“What do you think’s going on?”

 

“I don’t know. I’m going to find out.”

 

It was the new girl, Prentiss, talking, and he could tell the other women at the table were getting just as uncomfortable.

 

“I don’t see what it matters.”

 

“It doesn’t it I was only curious.”

 

“Why? And why only ask me, Gideon’s one I don’t see you making a rave to him about whether he’s devout or not.”

 

“I know he is that’s why I was curious.”

 

“Who is what here ladies?”

 

Morgan and Spencer sat down, Spencer on the other side of Karita, trying to place a calming hand on her shoulder but she moved away going over to where the ATVs were.

 

“Siskin!”

 

Spencer looked to see Gideon was actually a little agitated as well, calling after the girl to no avail. He gave her a few minutes to let the tension ease, the table taking on a more pleasant conversation. He leaned over to Gideon.

 

“What upset her like that?”

 

Gideon frowned slightly, the crow’s feet around his eyes standing out more. “I don’t think it was the topic as much as the questions being all aimed at her. I think you understand the lack of wanting too much attention on yourself.”

 

Spencer nodded, getting up to go after her. She had taken to sitting on the vehicle, pantomiming revving the engine.

 

“Hey good looking, want a ride?”

 

 

“Unless you want to hot wire it, I’m afraid you’re stuck here.”

 

Karita pulled a set of keys out of her pocket jingling them lightly at him.

 

“Where’d you get those? No one’s talked to the manager yet.”

 

She giggled. “Magic.”

 

Spencer beamed a new topic to breech. “Oh, I have all kinds of magic to show you.”

 

He always clapped his hand over his mouth realizing the suggestiveness the sentence had. But Karita laughed.

 

“Have a lot of tricks up your sleeve, Spen?”

 

“I do, yet I wish I had more magic with words sometimes.”

 

“You’re doing fine to me. So…want to ride. Take Spen for a spin?”

 

Spencer looked at the helmet held out to him hesitantly. “I’ve never done this.”

 

“It’s easy, I’ll drive first so you can see, and then you can chauffeur me around.”

 

Taking the helmet, Spencer felt as if he signed a death warrant. But sat behind Karita and grasping her waist tightly. It wasn’t terrible…the ride wasn’t that great. The rain from previous nights had not dried in a lot of places causes many puddles that Karita seemed determined to drive through, spotting their clothes in the muck. Then there was the wind, he knew his face would be wind burned later, and he couldn’t stop thinking about all the bugs they were zooming through and worrying if they were going to crash from the speed. But the excuse to hold her was nice, resting his chin in the divet of her shoulder and neck and able to smell her scent as wisps of her hair tickled his cheek, the ride was almost worth it, almost…

 

“Your turn, Spen.”

 

“No, thank you. I think one chance at death is all we need today.”

 

“Oh, you’re being dramatic. Admit it you had fun.”

 

“I did. I still don’t want to do it again.”

 

Karita smiled at him, reaching up and wiping the flecks of mud on his cheek. “It’s good to get dirty sometimes. You city boys missed out on that.”

 

“Well, you country girls, miss out on a lot of things the city has to offer.”

 

She arched her brow at him in disbelief. “You’ll have to prove that to me.”

 

The rest of the afternoon was just as amiable, Spencer was actually thinking the bug bites and dirt were worth trudging through. Full of good food and the day ending on a good note he felt he could fall on the bed and fall asleep in seconds, but the residue lying on his skin screamed he needed to shower. Karita seemed to have the same idea. He flushed, offering her the bathroom first.

 

She smiled. “It’s okay, Spensar, I’ll make myself some tea and wait.”

 

“But…ladies first.”

 

She giggled. “I think we can nix that rule out when you’re much dirtier than I am right now. Go on ahead.”

 

With a few backwards glances to make sure she wouldn’t change her mind, he did. And he felt remarkably better, the water washing away what had felt like a second skin attached to him. Putting on some pajamas and running a towel through his hair he went back to the kitchen to tell Karita the shower was free. He stopped, seeing her go through her medicine bag, since that first encounter with her medication he could tell she was extremely uneased with him knowing. This time she used the ruby red liquid to wash down a bright blue pill. She winced as she choked it down, guzzling the contents of the glass after it.

 

“I’ve been on this stuff for as long as I can remember.”

 

He jumped, startled that she knew he was there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy I was –“

 

She turned the ruby container in her hand, smiling sadly. “I know, it’s okay, I know you wonder about it. It’s just hard for me to explain.”

 

“I can tell it makes you uncomfortable to talk about.”

 

“Yes, and I just don’t know how to say what it does. I’ve read countless information on it and I still have no idea why I need it, but I know I do. I used to try to wean myself off of it, but after a few days I’d get so sick and my family would get mad at me telling me that you know you need this, you can’t stop because you want to.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Karita snorted. “It’s not your fault, Spen. I’m not the only one that has to take it, so I’m not alone.”

 

They were both silent for a long time, before Spencer cleared his throat.

 

“Kari?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Would you be mad if I asked what you were upset about with Prentiss today?”

 

He could see her shoulders straightening back; she was layering up a wall. “It wasn’t that big of a deal, I don’t understand why she singled me out though.”

 

“What did she say?”

 

“We were all talking about something else completely and out of nowhere she starts asking me questions about where I live, and my family. I mean, why me? There were plenty of people at the table to ask. Then she says, ‘I was mainly curious, because of your last name. Siskin. That’s Jewish, right?’ I told her yeah, but why did it matter? Then she asked me about my mom, and when I started losing it, you guys came over and I made my getaway.”

 

“I’m sorry about that.”

 

She laughed. “You’re saying that an awful lot for someone who has nothing to be sorry for.”

 

She waited a beat. “You don’t care if I’m Jewish, do you?”

 

“Of course, not! I’d never try to suppress you faith, Kari.”

 

“I’m not really that devout, but like I explained to Prentiss – yeah my dad’s fully Jewish, though the child’s only is if the mother is as well. And she was half anyway. My grandmother’s Jewish; her faith went downhill in 1938 during the Anschluss when her home was invaded. We celebrate certain days, but other than that we’re with our own guidance. You’d like her, Spen, she was a research scientist. I bet you two could argue over a bunch of theorems. She was actually one of the cofounders to help create the medicine I take…”

 

She tapered off, a distant look crossing her face. Not knowing what to do, Spencer cautiously leaned in and kissed her temple, earning him a blush and a shy smile.

 

“Ach meine süße buch ende.”

 

He grinned, he had been studying the language, noting how she always cursed in German when she was frustrated. It had made him curious about the culture and he had been researching Austria and the neighboring country when he had the time.

 

“I’m your book end, am I?”

 

“You do a good job at holding me up.”

 

Though he was sure his heart was palpitating and his hands were sweaty, he let a finger glide down her cheek, steering it to face him, as he let himself lean in and touch his lips to hers. He could feel her breathing hitch, as the surprise was away and let herself be pulled closer. He could tell she was as unsure as he was on this letting her hand rest lightly on one shoulder and the other gingerly circling his waist. He allowed one of his hands on her waist, making him tremble when he realized her shirt had ridden up just enough for a patch of skin to be bared. The other tenderly touching the base of her neck curling into the hair.

 

He wasn’t sure how far to go, but she seemed fine with bumping noses with him as he tasted her with soft nibbles. Her hand had even moved to caress his cheek bringing him just the littlest bit closer. He could still smell the woods on her, her lips the flavor of the chamomile and the bitterness of the medicine she had taken. He became aware of how close they really were her leg hitched across his knee, their chest hard against one another’s. It was becoming harder to breathe, he knew they should stop; he didn’t want to push her into anything. Pulling back, he could hear her ragged breathing, as they looked at one another with unsure eyes.

 

He kissed her forehead, brushing his lips over her eyelids and nose, before kissing her lips one last time. Trying to convey the adoration he held, that he was only pulling away because he didn’t want to ruin what they had by going too fast. He heard her hum, and he sighed in relief, knowing that subconsciously she hummed only when she was content.

 

“I should get in the shower.”

 

“Yes, it’s getting late, we should get some sleep before work.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They held each other a few moments longer before they reluctantly parted. Instead of only sleeping side by side, Spencer found himself brave enough to scoot a little closer to the middle; him smiling, when she rolled over just a little bit closer as well.

 

“Come on, slowpoke, we’re late!”

 

The two were getting off the subway knowing they had a few blocks to go before they got to work. They had woken up on time, but had lingered in the bed, both curled up against each other that morning. Kari had insisted they eat something before leaving and with throwing on clothes and gathering papers had put them far behind schedule so now they were running through the substation like life depended on it.

 

“I’ll race you up the stairs!”

 

“Kari we’re both holding coffee, it dangerous. Last year, over thirteen thousand people died falling down stairs, that’s one in two hundred –“

 

He looked up, noting she was no longer there, having already won the race. He shook his head, he’d have to tell her later. It was a very common injury to encounter.

 

“You’re Dr. Reid.”

 

Looking at the other side of the stairs stood a young man perhaps high school age timidly approaching him. “I’m sorry, do we know each other?”

 

“No, I mean, I know you and what you do.”

 

“Okay.” That’s not creepy thing to say at all.

 

“I saw your lecture at Georgetown about sadism and how it helped you catch the Mill Creek Killer.”

 

“I’m n-not much of a public speaker.”

 

“I thought you were pretty cool.”

 

“Thanks, you’re kind of young to be in college.” Wow, Reid, look who’s talking. He rolled his eyes inwardly at the statement.

 

“I’m actually a junior at Northwest High School.”

 

“And you go to lectures on sadism for fun?”

 

“I don’t have a lot of friends.”

 

He could understand that. Spencer hardly had anyone to talk to in school. “So you’re interested in profiling?”

 

“I read a lot of things in the true crime genre and thought I’d hear it from an expert, you know? So is it true a lot of the victims of serial killers are prostitutes?”

 

“It’s their number one target actually.”

 

“Oh, is that for sex or just because they’re dirty and deserve it?”

 

What? “Um, were, were you waiting here for me?”

 

“Spen! My God, I waited forever. Oh, hello.”

 

The boy glanced at Kari as if in admirable fear and started walking down the stairs. “Wait, we could talk about this, could I get you name or –“

 

He was gone, running up the stairs, he grabbed Kari’s hand and started to the BAU. After talking to Victor Barnes he couldn’t believe he let the young man get away, luckily he had the sketch he had done on the walk. Two prostitutes dead with the same M.O., it couldn’t be a coincidence. It hadn’t been too hard to find him; with Garcia’s assistance they were able to get a positive ID on him. Morgan and Gideon had accompanied him to the address. It was a nice neighborhood, and the apartment was higher end than most.

 

“Ma’am we need to talk to your son, Nathan.”

 

The woman looked apprehensive of them, and Spencer could tell she felt intimidated by them. “We only need to ask him a few questions and we’ll be gone.”

 

“Why? What do you need to talk to him about?”

 

Morgan flashed his badge to her. “There have been a few murders around the area and we think your son maybe able to help.”

 

“How could Nathan possibly –“

 

“It’s true, mom, if it’s okay I’ll talk to them in my room.”

 

She looked like she was about to protest until Gideon pulled her aside to talk to her.

 

“I knew if you were as good as I thought you’d find me.”

 

“Is that why you waited for me? So I’d catch you?” If he really committed the murders was this his sign of remorse?

 

“Catch me? I – Hey!”

 

Spencer had seen the writing on the folded laptop, and looked it over.

 

“It’s just a text from a comic I’m writing.”

 

“About killing prostitutes?”

 

“Yeah, it’s about Jack the Ripper.”

 

“We’re not playing games here, kid. You need to be straight with us.”

 

“I am.”

 

“You seem to know a lot about murders that haven’t been publicized.”

 

“I didn’t kill her, I just…wish I could have.”

 

“How did you know about it?”

 

“I saw her body when I was on my way to school. Her dress was hiked up and her hair chopped off. She had been stabbed a lot.”

 

Spencer could hear the woman’s voice elevating from the other room and knew she was getting upset with Gideon’s questioning.

 

“Look I’ve seen you at the metro a few times after the lecture, I don’t know, I had hoped you could help me.”

 

Spencer felt bad for him, he was clearly disturbed and he was reaching out to him. “How could I help you, Nathan?”

 

“When I looked at the body, I – it was weird, I got…excited. Then I hated myself for it. It scared me to think like that.”

 

“Why’d you run away from me then?”

 

“The girl you were with, I-I’ve seen her too. I didn’t want to look at her…you know, with you there.”

 

Spencer furrowed his brows together. “Why, have you had thoughts about her too?”

 

Nathan shrugged, completely ill at ease. “I know you like her, but I can’t really stop it. I kept looking at her skin at how pale it is then I saw…if she were cut…”

 

Nathan began hitting himself, and Morgan reached for him. “Don’t do that kid. Just calm down.”

 

Nathan spoke through gritted teeth. “I keep trying to stop it, but it won’t.”

 

Nathan’s mother and Gideon approached the door. His mother scrambling to him seeing her son in such a state.

 

“Nathan if it’s okay with you, your mother agreed that you could come with us. Let us speak with you a little bit, see what’s going on.”

 

Nathan nodded nervously, following them out.

 

“He says he didn’t do it.”

 

Morgan guffawed at him. “A lot of unsubs say that, Reid. Look at the facts, he knew about the last victim, and got off on seeing her corpse. If he is a sexual sadist they can mimic remorse and sincerity.”

 

“He didn’t take any trophies.”

 

“We all agreed it was because it was for defilement.”

 

Karita set another round of coffee out for them all.

 

“I agree with, Spen, he’s a kid. He’s mom works with cadavers and with the absence of a father figure along with his personality type it makes sense that he’d grow up kind of sexually deviant. It doesn’t make him a killer though.”

 

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you heard what he had to say about you.”

 

Karita flushed. “He reached out to Spensar for help, I think that says something.”

 

“We’ve got him for now, so we should make another profile in case Harris isn’t the unsub.”

 

Through the night another murder occurred, she had lied about her age, only sixteen. She was a child, living a life on the streets to only die being hacked to pieces in a back alley near a dumpster. The unsub was getting restless, it meant a lot of bodies, and hopefully sloppy work. It made things look up for Nathan Harris who was currently being discussed through a psych evaluation.

 

Getting back to the office, Spencer head for Gideon's office, hoping there would be some sliver of good news on Nathan. Before knocking lightly on the door, he felt Prentiss push past him in anger as she emerged from Hotch's office. It appeared the new agent wasn't making many friends anywhere here.

 

“What is it, Reid?”

 

Startled back to Gideon, he let himself walk in a few inches into the office. “I was just wondering how the eval went. If there was any conclusion on Harris yet.”

 

“You know none of that's an exact science.”

 

“But what about you? What's your perspective from talking to him?”

 

Gideon sighed rubbing his eyes after removing his glasses. “In my opinion, it isn't if he'll kill, but when.”

 

It hurt, it meant there was no hope for the young man. He was reaching out to him and Spencer had nothing to give him but bad news.

 

“Harris is missing.”

 

Looking up Morgan had throw Spencer his jacket and he followed him out to look for him.

 

“I can't believe his mother isn't helping to look for him.”

 

“I told her she should stay home in case he came back.”

 

“Reid, he's not your responsibility. You know that, right?”

 

“But in a way he is. He came to me, sought me out. He knew I would understand him.”

 

“It's what you do for a living.”

 

“No, it's more than that. It's different.”

 

“How?”

 

“I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind.”

 

Spencer thought of the countless outbursts and episodes he went through with his mother. Seeing her scream at the voices in her head, becoming violent with herself when the thing she loved almost as much as him fell to pieces. Her mind, a once beautiful device that she passed to him that became a time bomb. Would he, when he became like that, what would it feel like? Would he amble through streets ranting that the world was on fire, that nothing could save them from death and turmoil? Or would he recluse himself in his books, creating a barricade where he couldn't differentiate from the fiction and real life?

 

The two were quiet for a moment and Spencer wanted to break the tension. “So, what's up with Hotch lately? He seemed to chew Prentiss out.”

 

Morgan chuckled. “I don't know, it's probably nothing more than him tying those knots on his tie too tight again.”

 

With that the phone rang, and the tension in the car rebuilt. “There's another body.”

 

Unlike his other victims this one looked as if she had been stabbed a few times and left. No messages for help and no mutilation of body and hair.

 

“Do you think it was Nathan?”

 

“This one was fast, not to mention it was at night.”

 

“Excuse me sirs, one of your agents found the boy you're looking for.”

 

Following the officer Morgan and Spencer headed to an old cathedral. Spencer saw Nathan and Karita sitting in one of the upper pews. They seemed to be talking, her patting his shoulder in a comforting manner. It gave him conflicting emotions. He could tell Nathan was doing his best to not look at her, and Spencer wondered if he was trying to suppress the urge to picture her dead.

 

Approaching the two they both looked up at him. Karita gave an assuring smile to Nathan.

 

“It'll be okay.”

 

She gave Spencer an encouraging smile, brushing past him to allow the two of them to be alone.

 

“You had a lot of people worried.”

 

“Sorry, I just wanted to be alone for a while.”

 

“Another woman was killed tonight, Nathan. Has anyone seen you in here?”

 

Nathan shook his head. “You going to cuff me?”

 

Spencer looked at him uncertainly, not wanting to making this a strain. “So what were you two talking about?”

 

“I just kept thinking what I could do to stop me from hurting anybody. She told me I have already taken that step by telling someone. She told me about her brother, how when they were younger they had to take him to psychiatrist in fear that he was a sociopath, but as she knew he wasn't because he had the capacity to care. She said it was the same for me. That most sadist and sociopaths see it as their right to kill or hurt, but I knew it was wrong and that's why I sought help from you.”

 

With the cuffs secured Spencer turned him around with a sad smile. “That actually sounds pretty accurate. And what did you say to her?”

 

A far away look glazed on Nathan's face. “The only for sure way to keep me from hurting people is to kill myself.”

 

With Nathan in custody they talked with Congresswoman Steyer, learning of a man that fit the profile of the unsub belonging to a group called Decency Watch – Ronald Weems. With a name and address Gideon, Hotch, and Morgan went to the house while everyone else canvassed through the high risk area. Hearing screams down the sidewalk, they grabbed a man clothed in black while one of the prostitutes sprayed him with pepper spray. Getting back Spencer was glad to have the case over and done with. This being one that affected him more than others.

 

“Hey.”

 

It was Nathan. “Hi, I heard juvenile let you out today.”

 

“I heard you caught the guy.”

 

“We did.”

 

“Did he say how he knew what he was or for how long?”

 

“No, I'm sorry....You're not him, you know? It doesn't mean you'll be like that. Your thoughts can change. Believe me, I'm older than you and I feel like I'm constantly changing all the time. This job, the people, you – you've changed me.”

 

“My mom thinks I should go into a hospital for a while.”

 

“Maybe that's not a bad idea.”

 

“What if I never feel like I should be out again?”

 

“You never know. Like – Like agent Siskin told you, you have the ability to tell the thoughts you're having are abnormal. The first step to anything is admitting something's there to fix.”

 

“Whatever. I just wanted to thank you for caring.”

 

Watching the teen go Spencer collapsed in his chair, feeling emotionally drained. A little time passed when a mug of coffee was set in front of him. Seeing Kari and Morgan standing there.

 

“You okay, Spen?”

 

He nodded, sure it wasn't convincing. “I'll be fine.”

 

Looking unsure Kari motioned to Morgan. “Dereek told me there's a 'perspective home' he wanted to look at before turning in. Would you want to go?”

 

“I'd like to, but I'd like to be alone for a little while.”

 

She nodded, concern still in her eyes. “You need anything before we go?”

 

He shook his head smiling. “I'm fine.”

 

Leaning down she hugged him to her, him feeling a tad embarrassed that Morgan was watching them. A mischievous gleam in his eyes. “I'll take care of your girl Pretty Boy.”

 

Kari looked at him, as they exited and he smiled to her though he knew she'd still be worried for him.

 

“Get up. Come on, my Adonis is gone and so is your Aphrodite so come on we're keeping each other company tonight.”

 

Spencer smiled at Garcia's attempt to get him out of the glum. “She's more of a Cerridwen.”

 

“Cerri-what?”

 

“Cerridwen, the Welsh goddess of inspiration and transformation, I think Kari is more embodied to her.”

 

“Whatever you say lover boy, she said she thought it'd be good for someone to look after you and she's right/ Plus we hardly hang out outside this abyss so lets go.”

 

Following her out they approached Garcia's car. “It's beautiful piece.”

 

“Her name's Esther, only a hundred thousand miles on her.”

 

His phone began ringing from a number he didn't recognize. “Hello?”

 

“Please, I saw your card. This kid's cutting himself up, and I don't know what to do.”

 

“Wait where are you?”

 

Getting the address, Garcia drove to the motels, and they raced to the upstairs of an open door. Spencer could see Nathan's near unconscious form on the bed, cuts sashaying across his body. The worst ones on his wrists and shallow attempts on his neck. Getting Garcia's scarf and some of the pillow cases to slow the bleeding as Garcia called the medics.

 

“Why would you do this Nathan? You were going to get help?”

 

“Stop.”

 

It was only a muttered whisper and Spencer felt frantic. This was just a kid. “I'm not going to let you die.”

 

He couldn't let him die. He didn't want anyone to die, not really. Even the worst deserve some kind of light, and Nathan was too young to be let go. With the medics in, they ushered him and Garcia out as they waited.

 

Morgan had pulled up first, rushing to Garcia to make sure she was all right. “I thought Kari was with you.”

 

Morgan nodded solemnly from the situation. “She was, but she went back to your apartment to fix you dinner. She thought it'd cheer you up a little. I called her though, she's on her way.”

 

He wiped his hands as best he could, dumbfounded when water was being poured on his hands. Looking up he saw Kari silently letting him rinse his hands. Passing him one of her sweaters to wipe his hands.

 

“Karita?”

 

“Jetzt hush. It'll be okay.”

 

Getting the blood off the best he could, she helped him to the car. And he was too exhausted to protest, as she turned the heater on for him.

 

“He wanted me to let him die.”

 

“He's sick, Spen, but he's going to get the help he needs now. You saved him.”

 

“What if, down the road he starts killing? What did I do in saving him then?”

 

“You're not one to let someone die, Spensar. And nothing in this world's exact, you should know that. Things constantly change and so can he.”

 

“What if he doesn't.”

 

“I guess then you'll catch him.”


	10. Forelsket

**Forelsket (n) - Norwegian: The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.**

It was just after midnight, and Karita was making an absolute mess of her new kitchen. She was making a mess of the whole place if she were honest with herself. Boxes opened and unopened littered the floor, maybe still in disbelief that she had moved. It was a very nice place; it was in D.C. rather than Alexandria. She had pointed out to Spencer that it had added a few miles to your commute to work, and he had rolled his eyes playfully. But it had everything anyone could want, Derek had saw to that, though she had not made it easy for him.

She had added three fold on her must have list, from practical to off the wall needs but he took them all in stride marking it down in his mind and finding places to meet her bizarre needs. When he had found a good place for Mrs. Fargus to go, with Karita subtly paying the remainder of the rent each month, she had thrown in the towel. She would have to move and after finally giving in and putting an effort in searching she had found her new home. Plain walls she could paint and decorate but with carved antique beams and woodwork through the apartment, no carpeting, a small nook to hold her computer and enough for a bookshelf, two baths, and a large kitchen, but what sealed the deal was it was out of the way, inconspicuous, it was lavish or ritzy, nothing to spotlight her or give anything away.

She thought about Derek with a sigh, the last few weeks had not been easy on him. Having taken a week off to settle himself. He had gone to celebrate his mother’s birthday, and had to relive the one of the worst moments of his life. Nobody spoke about it, and she didn’t know what to do. Karita had been hurt before, but never like that, only witnessing that kind of cruelty. Alden, she had watched him be hurt that way by their tormentors. She hadn’t known what to do then either, but almost two decades had passed since then and she thought she would have the sense of how to hand out that kind of comfort.

But no, going there and hearing Buford’s deeds as he was arrested she did the only thing she knew, she had reached out to her brother and punished the man. Resulting in rage from her father, using their abilities to hurt, she had told him it wasn’t hurt it was retribution. How about all the other boys he had hurt? Didn’t he deserve it? This was where her and her father’s views on justice divulged – he believed locking them away with other criminals, becoming more violent was justice whereas she and her team believed in stricter terms for their guilty. She didn’t believe in killing necessarily, but she did believe in suitable punishment.

Walking off the jet that night she had wrapped her arms around Derek’s hulking body, letting his breathing even as he clasped to her body. She had tried to tell him with her eyes that in some kind of way she understood and would listen to him, talk to him. She would tell him her pain and listen to his if it was ever needed and somehow it had gotten through. He smiled sadly and nodded as they walked of the tarmac together.

The timer vibrated on her phone, signaling her concoctions was done. Filling up the Tupperware she put the some of the food in a knapsack before proceeding to icing her cupcakes, fixing one up with extra sprinkles and a candle. She wondered if she should have gotten some wine, but she wasn’t a drinker and neither was Spencer who was sleeping through all this right now. She felt bad to wake him; they had been on cases back to back after Buford – the worst being Frank Breitkopf.

Edging her way to the bedroom she couldn’t help watching him from the light of the doorframe. They had both grown accustomed to the middle of the bed, each growing bolder as to how close they would get to the other. He was sprawled on his back, mouth slightly open has his growing hair scattered across his face. Every now and again, even in the kitchen she could hear the little sounds of grunts and sighs of contented sleep coming from him. Making her way over to the bed, she scooted to his side on her knees. After brushing the stray locks away from his face she bent low to his ear.

“Spen, wake up.”

She could tell the warm breath tickled the shell, him readjusting with a motion of the shoulder and a few murmurings.

“Spen?”

Taking his shoulder she shook it lightly, trying to jar him from sleep. This seemed to work, his eyes blinking warily, trying to understand what woke him.

“Spen?”

He turned to her with a baffled expression. “Is it morning?”

She shook her head, timidly, hoping he wouldn’t be too mad over lost sleep tonight.

“No, it’s not, Spen. But I have plans for us tonight.”

“Plans?”

He was becoming more alert now, sitting up, and scrubbing the sands of sleep from his eyes. Grinning, Karita reached behind her and pulled out the lit cupcake.

“Happy birthday, Spen!”

He smiled, though she could tell he wished he were still asleep. “Thank you, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I wanted to. And I hope you’ll want to but I really do have plans for tonight. Only if you want to though.”

Spencer had taken a fingertip of frosting to taste, his eyes full of questions. “What kind of plans?”

Karita shrugged. “I can’t tell you, it’s a surprise. I know everyone will want to go out tonight to celebrate so I wanted to do something, you know, just us tonight.”

Spencer leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Okay. So what should I wear on these ‘surprise’ plans?”

Karita shrieked in excitement that he had agreed to go that she hugged him tightly from behind. “YAY! Oh, something warm, for sure, and dark if you can.”

Spencer looked at her suspiciously as she pranced out of the room to let him dress. She gathered the supplies, putting it all by the doorway for when they leave. Also putting up the fenced play pen in what she called the rabbit hideaway for March and Hatter to play in and not destroy while they were gone. She was giving them some water when Spencer had emerged.

“Are you allowed to tell me anything about where we’re going?”

Looking over his outfit, she flitted back to the bedroom, returning with the purple scarf and draping it loosely around his neck. Playing with the ends she stood on her toes to peck his lips. “Nope.”

**** ~~~~

 

She smiled when he pulled her back in, letting the kiss become more intimate. “You know, we could stay in. I wouldn’t mind spending my birthday just doing this.”

Spencer had started becoming bolder in kissing, and she was glad for it. She worried about which moves to make or what they should be doing, so she was glad to have someone else take those reins.

“I would too, but then again, we’d miss out on other fun.”

Turning she scooped up a sleep masked about to place it over his head when Spencer stepped back, fear and alarm widening his eyes. She dropped the mask instantly.

“Okay, we won’t blindfold you. I get it, no worries. This changes things, okay, no, I know, first turn around and face this way. I guess I’ll give you this before we leave, give you a clue since you’ll know where we’ll be going. No peeking over the shoulder.”

“Kari, it’s fine, you don’t have to –“

“Hush, everyone gets cake and presents on their birthday.”

Spencer stood facing the wall as he was told, hands at his side while he waited. “You have to open it before we leave.”

Spencer turned back to her as she thrusted the wrapped package towards him. He gave a gracious smile, and she knew he was uncertain by this kind of attention.

“A Tesla watch?”

“Yes, oh, you don’t like it? I remembered you telling everyone about how you were miffed about how Edison got so much credit on electricity while it was actually Tesla’s work that created it. I’m not really expecting  
you to wear it around the office or anything; it’s more of a gag gift. But I-I thought you’d like it.”

Spencer took her wringing hands and kissed her forehead. “I love it.”

She smiled, uncertain, as he undid the packaging and put the watch on. He flicked on the little coils and wound up the dial, grinning at her as the whirs brought it to life.

“So this is a clue, huh? We’ll be seeing something about Tesla then? Or electricity?”

“Still can’t tell you, but come on, this is a time restricted mission we have so long to get there and everything.”

Spencer laughed, letting himself be pulled out the door. They found a compromise where he’d lean the seat all the way back, laying down as they drove. He could probably glance out the window if he wanted but he wasn’t straight seeing their destination.

“I’m sorry about the blindfold, Kari.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Spen. I told you, I get it, it’s a vulnerable thing to have a sense cut off from you.”

“I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you. I do. It’s something I haven’t gotten over yet.”

“Well, maybe with time you will. I could have you busting a bunch of piñatas in a few years.”

Spencer chuckled, then his eyes went distant again. “It happened not long after we met. I let it happen again.”

“Spen…”

He didn’t have to do this; she knew he was pouring himself out to her. But she didn’t want him to rip the flesh while opening the scab.

“I don’t know why I even did it. I wanted someone to like me so bad. And when I got that note, saying that this girl thought I was cute. Well, it was shame on me.”

“No, Spensar, not shame on you. I want you to stop thinking that way. It’s shame on them. They were older and had no reason to do things like that, especially to someone as sweet as you. It’s their loss; they missed out on getting to know someone really great. I know you’re cautious of people, but I’m glad those experiences didn’t change you. You’re still so sweet and caring. I could tell that straight away from you.”  
She could see him toying with the scarf as she spoke. “I often wondered after meeting you why you helped me, honestly, sometimes I wondered if you were even real.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m real. I wish there was a way for me to get to you how much you matter. You’re amazing, Spensar. Not just for your mind either, though that in itself is brilliant. But the way you write your mom every day and speak about her so affectionately. Your gentlemanly ways where you always open the door for a lady, offer up your seat on the subway, or just helping with a caseload. You’re generous not only with time, but you give anything you got for someone who needs it. You may be soft-spoken on some things but when you really believe in it I see how you get riled up and stand up for it. There’s too many things to count what you are, Spen, it’d probably take years to cover it all. And I find myself in disbelief on how I got so lucky to be with someone like you.”

“Pull over.”

Wait, what? They were over halfway to their destination, did she upset him? Pulling into an empty lot, she watched Spencer sit up, and she waited apprehensively. Undoing his buckle, she gasped in surprise when she was being pulled over the gearshift as Spencer’s mouth sealed over hers. She moaned in bliss at this sudden change of demeanor. She had to admit she liked this new side of him. After pulling away she sighed and leaned her head to his shoulder, feeling his hand stroke her back.

“I l-love you, Kari.”

Her breathing hitched high, the butterflies that had gathered in her stomach stirred relentlessly. It had just been over the six month mark of her arrival. Was this too sudden? He loved her…really? Did she love him?

Looking into his face at the jeweled amber eyes that were apprehensively waiting for her answer, she knew.

“I love you, too, Spensar. I never thought I’d ever feel this way again, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to. But you made it so hard not to. You’ve become very important to me, Spen, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He pulled her on his lap, blushing at his own confidence; she curled up like a kitten hugging him tightly as she listened to his heart speed up.

“I never thought I’d love anyone like this either.”

She looked up at him, as his gaze turned to her, and she smiled shyly at the warmth. She allowed her mind to idle as they lay together, before she realized they had a reason to be out.

“Shit, shit it’s almost two, if we get there by then –“

“Kari?”

She had been in thought calculating the moves, there would be time, and if they were caught what’s the worst that could happen. Mikael hadn’t talked to her since Chicago, and though he was angry, she was sure he’d let her borrow from him if she were in trouble.

“’Kay the plan’s still on, we got to charge though.”

One corner of Spencer’s mouth curled in a doubtful smile. “This plan of yours seems a little…dubious, perhaps we could go back –“

“No, it’s fine. Trust me.”

Finally reaching their destination, Spencer looked up from the car window. “The Smithsonian? But – did you arrange for a private viewing or something?”

“Or something, I guess. Come on, we’re on time.”

Going the back way, Karita reached into her back and took out one of her lock picks and set to work. Spencer bent down to the knob and stared at her incredulously.

“Are we breaking in? That’s illegal!”

She laughed. “Come on, Spen, be a little bit roguish tonight. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not, they’re cameras –“

“Taken care of.”

“The guards –“

“I know they’re schedule, why’d you think we needed to get here at a certain time? I’ve got this figured out, no worries, we’re only going to look around. We’re not going to upset anything, but if you really want to go…”

She had stilled the pick, waiting for his response. When he finally sifted a nod, she smiled and continued. Hearing the click, she pulled the door open, allowing him in first.

“I really don’t think we should be doing this.”

“But it’ll be fun, we can see everything without all the people and noise bustling.”

The display lights made it easy to see, and she grasped his hand in hers steering the way through the halls.

“We could look at all the birds of D.C. first if you like.”

Spencer was still looking about as if any second tanks and guns would be pointed at them. Facing him, she rubbed his arms in assurance.

“It’s okay, I promise. We have three hours before the guards come back for checks. We have the whole place to ourselves. So would you like to go to the main event or look around a little first?”

“Um, maybe what you wanted to surprise me with first.”

Karita nodded, pulling him along to second floor.

“So where’d you learn to lockpick?”

Karita grinned. “It becomes useful in the field every once in a while. But I learned when I was a child; it just took longer to refine the techniques.”

“Why would a child want to learn to pick locks?”

There was humor in his voice, and she tried to smile along. Why would a child want to pick a lock? The answer was simple, because they had been locked up and they wanted out. Noticing her silence, his smiling ceased, but she smiled at him trying to let him know it was okay. Getting to the floor she pushed through the double doors.

“Isn’t it neat? Reminds me of something out of Frankenstein.”

In the center of the room was a huge Tesla coil, the original encased in glass case next to it. The size was astounding of itself and Karita couldn’t help but look at it.

“I didn’t even know they had a Tesla exhibit here.”

“It’s on loan from a museum in Serbia. They were supposed to pack it up tonight but it was postponed until tomorrow. So I thought it might be fun. You know Tesla had an eidetic memory as well, he’d memorize poetry.”

Spencer grinned, embracing her from behind he laid his chin on top of her head. “I did know that. Did you know he was a polyglot and could speak eight languages?”

“Jesam.”

Spencer laughed as she answered in Tesla’s native tongue of Croatian.

“I guess we both have things in common with him. I only learned as much as I did about him because of my mother. Since the Austrian Empire was around that time she believed it would be good to know about him.”

“She believed in her roots.”

“She did. I think that was why she became a researcher to be like her mother. Tesla credited his brilliance to his mother.”

“I can relate with that.”

She kissed his cheek and let him lead her around. “Oh! Tesla’s egg of Columbus.”

She looked at the contraption in bewilderment. “It doesn’t look anything like an egg.”

Spencer chuckled. “It’s not supposed to. The idea of it came from the story of Columbus tapping the tip of an egg onto a table to flatten it, where it could stand up from that tip. Tesla, using magnetic currents was able to produce the effect of it. If on, it would produce a spinning force field and if an egg were put in the current it would be suspended by the tip. It’s actually the same technology he applied to the induction motor. You know earlier attempts left the motor running sporadically and couldn’t – I’m rambling aren’t I?”

Karita grinned. “You are, but I don’t mind. I like you sharing things with me. So what does an induction motor do exactly? Is it just for old fans and stuff?”

Spencer’s eyes brightened as he allowed himself to spill out every detail he obtained on the topic, holding Karita’s hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world.  
After touring the Tesla exhibit as thoroughly as they could, they wandered around the other parts of the museum. Even able to go into the butterfly pavilion, Karita snapping a few pictures when a few let themselves land in Spencer’s hair. They settled down in the ocean hall to eat the meal she had made earlier. Both curled up and watching the sea turtles and various fish swimming along, oblivious to their existence.

“So Yom Kippur is coming up.”

Karita snorted, rice almost coming out her nose. “Um, yes, it is.”

She waited for him to continue. “I was seeing what you were doing for it. I’ve been reading up on the Jewish calendars and traditions of the holidays…and, well, wanted to know what you usually did.”

“Well, usually, I’d be at home, so I’d be able to help my grandmother cook on the eve and we’d eat more than we should, say the viduy before everyone left and if I’m not working the next day I’d basically sleep all day.”

“That’s it?”

Karita shrugged. “Pretty much. You’re supposed to abstain from any physical need – eating, drinking, bathing, dressing up, beautifying. So I’d stay in bed between wakes I’d ponder on things, ask for the forgiveness I need, hoping for strength through the year. It’s more of a meditation day, I suppose. I told you we weren’t very devout. A lot of people of the faith would probably exile us for how we are, I mean, we celebrate Christmas. That’s not very…I don’t know. I just think you should be able to celebrate what you want and believe in what you want. If that’s taking pieces of all religion and cultures then so what.”

“So your family gets together on Christmas as well?”

“Of course, it’s always a big celebration, a lot like Hanukkah, but with more singing and decorating. Christmas is the best.”

Seeing the excitement on her face, Spencer bumped her shoulder. “Not as much as Halloween though.”

Karita looked at him, flabbergasted. “Are you kidding me? Okay, Halloween is great, but essentially you only get one night, Christmas it’s like a whole month, with some more than that. Then Christmas in July.

C’mon, Christmas is the best.”

“No way, Halloween is far superior.”

“But Christmas you get all the lights and –“

“You can put up lights for Halloween.”

“Not like on Christmas, and you don’t get the snow that glistens from the lights, so there.”

“That’s hardly a benefactor for why Christmas is better. Besides you lived in California practically your whole life when did you see snow?”

“That is one of the reasons I’m super excited this year I’ll be able to see it without either having to travel or be on a computer. Then there’s the food.”

“You get all the candy you want on Halloween.”

“And a total sugar hangover the next day, you can have sweets on Christmas and real food. Plus cozy sweaters and snowball fights, sledding –“

“Dressing up as anything you want, scary movies, scaring people, then the weather, the leaves changing, you could jump in the leaves, apple picking, and pumpkin carving…”

“I think we have to agree to disagree, though they are both wonderful holidays. Way better than Thanksgiving.”

Spencer chuckled. “So you don’t like Thanksgiving?”

“It’s not that I don’t like it but I don’t like to help cook from morning to night, cleaning up, being forced to watch football, and then being made to sit out for Black Friday because I have young capable arms to carry a good load.”

Spencer laughed, and Karita eyed him nervously. “Since we've brought up the topic, what are doing for Christmas?”

Spencer shrugged, a dismal look coming over. “Probably same thing I did last year, be asked to attend everyone else’s festivities and end up staying home and doing case files.”

That was no way to celebrate the season. “I was…kind of hoping, if, you know, you weren’t too busy, or if you were going to visit your mom this year. Las Vegas isn’t far from California. I know this is another invitation but I would really like it if you came over and met my family. I mean, they’re crazy but they are nice, and have been asking a lot about you. I’d like to prove you’re real in the least.”

“You want me to meet your family?”

“Well, yeah, if you want to. I don’t want to force you into it or anything.”

“You wouldn’t be forcing me, I just, what if they don’t like me?”

Karita let a hand stroke his hair. “They’re going to love you. You’re a good person, and you make me happy, that’s what matters to them. I think I should be the one that’s worried about a parent not liking them. I don’t know how to act if I ever met your mother.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re her baby boy! Her pride, she raised you, you’re both incredibly close. I’d be afraid she’d think I was taking you away, or scared she might not think I’m good enough for you.”

“Actually my mom thinks you’re a good influence on me.”

“Really? You – you write about me in your letters?”

“Of course. You’re a big thing in my life, Kari.”

“And you in mine.”

He cupped her face letting him lean into her and kiss her softly, the kiss intensifying as he opened his mouth. Her feeling the edging of his tongue on her lips. This was a first, she opened her mouth to his let him deepen the kiss as he tasted her. She moaned lightly, the sound vibrating within their mouths. His kisses spread down to her neck, another first, as he teethed the delicate area. Karita’s breathing quickened. He was leaving his mark on her. It bubbled something in her that hadn’t been there in a long time. It wasn’t until his fingers danced along the hem of her shirt did she stiffen and he noticed. She could sense the shame he felt course through him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –“

“No, it’s okay, I just haven’t had to think about it until now. But I have scars, Spen, I had so many of them but through treatments and countless tubes of creams I got rid of most of them. The one on my shoulder was one that wouldn’t go away so I covered it with the tattoo. The other it’s too long and since it’s covered by my clothes I never thought about it much and I didn’t see the point of spending so much money to getting one there.”

Spencer’s thumbs were rubbing soothing circles on her hipbone. “Kari, you should never be ashamed or embarrassed of your body. You're, well, quite frankly, you're gorgeous, inside and out. And I hope you know I would never judge or see anything from you than what you are.”

Raising her shirt up she lifted it over her head, revealing her naked torso. It was a long scar, luckily the treatments had helped, but there was still an indented silvery line from the wound that went from her collarbone to below her navel, the point of her collarbone branching out into a v-shape on her right breast.

“I can't really, um, feel this part.”

She grasped her right breast for emphasis, staring past him, waiting for his rejection.

“Kari, look at me.”

Slowly she turned her eyes to his and was surprised by the tender love in them.

“You're beautiful, every last inch of you.”

She could feel the question in him, and trembled as he began to trace the scar. Astonishment feeling her as it began to tingle, a sensation it hadn't been capable of in years.

“W-would you ever talk to me about it?”

She gave a bitter smile, a grimace forming as she lowered the shirt. Smiling a little at the look of disappointment on Spencer's face. “I should've talked to you about it more. I know I told you that my mom believed people were after us, I should have mentioned that the bad people were real.”

He gaped at her, but she lowered her eyes hoping he wouldn't need an elaboration tonight. “I think we should get out of here, Spen. I think the fish got an eyeful and the guards will be patrolling soon.”

He nodded, dazed from her confession. They were able to make it back to her place without any pit stops, the ride quiet and she was afraid she had scared him.

“Spen?”

He looked up at her as he was about to change to his pajamas in the bathroom.

“Are we okay?”

He approached her then. “Of course we are, I kind of thought you would be upset with me bringing up something painful like that.”

“I'm not mad at you for it, I feel bad for not explaining things to you. Like you said, it's painful. I hope it didn't ruin your day.”

“It didn't. I'm glad you're opening up to me.”

“And you with me.”

She kissed him then, mending the night, and he kissed back eagerly. Dropping the pajamas on the bed he cupped her head. Her hands wondered to the hem of his dress shirt, and his actions faltered.

She smiled against his lips. “I get half naked for you and you won't take off your shirt. You're breaking the rules of I'll show you mine if you show me yours.”

She took a step back, and she could see the fear that he thought she was mad at him. She assured him as she got on the bed, removing her shirt again, and beckoning him to her. He crawled on the bed to her, letting himself be embraced in her hold as their lips connected again. His hands wandered nervously restless along her skin, she gave a sound of encouragement against him. How did he make her like this? Grabbing his collar she brought him closer, his hands gripping her waist. Leaning up as his hands trailed down her back she broke to let him release her from the confines of her bra.

It took everything to fight the urge to cover herself, her modesty kicking at his scrutiny. But she let herself lean back on the pillows, letting his gaze flutter across her. His hands came up slowly, like she would push him away if he went to fast. His fingers drew on her stomach, strumming on her like strings on a guitar, before gliding up the center of her chest and moving to the back of her head to kiss her again.

It was a tender kiss, and he trembled with emotion. “I'm waiting for the part where I wake up. I never pictured myself sharing this kind of intimacy with anyone. Especially someone like you.”

She searched his eyes. “Someone like me?”

“You know Morgan was wrong, you're not a pixie, you're an angel, Karita.”

She blushed, and Spencer looked at her mesmerized as the color spread to her chest. Pulling back he let his hands go to the top button of his shirt. Pursing his lips to calm himself as he unfastened the shirt. He gave her a look in what she was sure was similar to hers earlier. The anticipation of rejection. Instead she moved forward, letting her hands rest on him, absorbing the heat and feeling the kick of his heart. He gasped when she let her lips kiss the beating area.

“You're beautiful too, Spen.”

Soon they were down to their underwear, both still shy but unashamed of the other's gaze as they languidly explored each other through the night.

 


	11. Kuebiko

**Kuebiko (Japanese): A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence. In Japanese mythology a scarecrow who cannot walk but has comprehensive awareness.**

_She whimpered at the blood coating her small frame, her eyes transfixed at the massive body before her. She tapped it a few times with her foot making sure he was really gone before searching him for the key. Finding a ring full of them she shimmied out of the cell, going to the one right next to hers and set to work to get the door unlocked. She worked as fast as she could, her small hands fumbling from nerves of getting caught. She had been timing this for a while, and since they had sent someone down to ‘correct’ her for disabling the camera no one else should be down for a while._

_The blood on her hands went to the keys making them slip from her as she pressed them into the lock. Tears leaked from her eyes in exasperation and dread, this was the first time out of the cell and she could now hear the whimpering and shrieks of others bouncing through the halls. Finally she heard a click and gasped in surprise as she got the door open. She had to be able to see the camera to picture it to fizz, hopefully they’d think it was a malfunction with the other one now and not have more people come down. If so all she had was edged plastic to protect her._

_Entering the room she saw her companion in this torment. She knew she was responsible for his pain as the adults set up their rooms to look into each other by a wall of glass, only sealing it off by the metal sliding door when the session was done. It hadn’t taken them long to realize she had adapted to the pain, turning inwards to herself and letting her body absorb the abuse. But they knew her and what her capabilities were, so getting another captive they had rigged the rooms and let her watch his pain. Her empathy ingesting it from him against her will. It helped him though, taking the pain from the blows but he was suffering all the same._

_And she knew what they had planned for him, she heard, she was good at being invisible when needed and she heard they were selling him off to be harvested._   
_She couldn’t let that happen. Seeing him now her heart broke, they had him chained, a metal device implanted on his head to keep him blinded and in constant agony. How could she get that off? He grunted at her, sensing her presence. She went to him, and though he flailed to defend himself she hushed him with her hums. Hoping her touch would let him know who she was._

_He abided, laying still as she got to work trying to loosen the bolts on his head. But then fear crept back into her again. She smelt something burning. Turning around she saw smoke billowing in the doorway. Fire! There was a fire! She couldn’t leave him behind. Bolting around she tried to pull the chains from the walls, a child’s attempt at salvation. The smoke enveloped the room and all she could do was fall to the wall and let herself succumb to the fate._

“Kari? Kari!”

She opened her eyes, gasping for breath, and feeling sweat dripping from her. As her eyes adjusted she saw Spencer peering at her, concerned.

“You were having a nightmare, I-I could hear you screaming.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“Don’t be sorry –“

She could still smell smoke and she jerked up. “Fire, I smelt it in my dream, what happening?”

Spencer looked at her apologetically. “I was kind of hoping to make us some breakfast, but it didn’t turn out so great. I scraped out the pan already, and opened the balcony doors to get the smoke out. You may need to check the batteries in your smoke alarm, it was a bit of smoke and it did nothing. You should really do monthly checks with them, there were over 98,000 fires in apartments just last year and four hundred deaths. Using a smoke alarm increases the chances of getting out in time by fifty-three percent and –“

She hurled herself at him, burrowing herself in the crook of his neck. So thankful to be out of that hell of cold and darkness and back with this man. She kissed his neck lightly and continued to curl herself into him.

She was also thankful, with a cheeky grin that he had stayed in his underwear, it let her soak up his body heat fully into her.

His hands ran down her back. “Are you okay? D-do you want to talk about it?”

“No, Spen, but thank you. This is pretty damn good to me right now.”

He brushed the tangled mess of hair away from her face and kissed her.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”

“Neither have I.”

Oh, but she could smell that decadent scent of coffee and sugar on his breath, and it made her want to taste him more. Emboldened she let herself kiss him, lapping at his tongue and tasting the overt sweetness. He moaned bringing her closer to him as he laid her down, and she gasped as he settled between her legs. His kisses set lower, lingering to nip and suck and she nearly cried out as he kissed her left nipple. Last night had been about touch through hands, this morning seemed to be about taste, and she wondered how many senses they could go through before noon.  
His tongue licked down to her bellybutton before going back up to take in her other nipple. No, she couldn’t feel it, but the sounds of his lapping made her groan out regardless. She was fighting really hard to grind her hips up, could she? Was she allowed to? Would that be too fast? As Spencer pulled back and thumbed the peaked tips with a sense awe on his face, she couldn’t hold back and slowly bucked her hips to his. His eyes widened as he looked at her, she flushed.

“I’m sorry.”

Spencer grinned. “Don’t be sorry for that.”

Coming back up he kissed her until she couldn’t breathe, his own hips arching into hers. And she moaned, and was a little shocked to feel him grow.  They panted as they moved with one another, their undergarments the only thing separating them. He kept hitting in the right place, and she couldn’t help but rake her nails down his back in satisfaction. Hearing him groan along with her. His mouth went back to wandering and she could tell, and was now concerned, he was going to try to get below the waistline. Should she tell him he didn’t have to do that? Jesus, the maid had not done much upkeep down there in a while. Swimsuit season had been over for months and she hadn’t seen a reason to take care of it. Plus with the hours and Spencer over so much she hadn’t been able to take care of herself down there in any sense whether it was appearance wise or physically wise.

She thanked God for the moment the phone rang. Though she laughed at Spencer’s cursing.

“Maybe if we don’t answer it, they’ll leave us alone.”

“I don’t think so, Spen.”

“But it's my birthday!”

She laughed caressing his face. “I know, love, but I don’t think that’ll deter it.”

He beamed at the word love, his eyes sparkling at her as he answered the persistent caller. “Yes? What? I’m not being snippy, I was having – What? Fine, okay, see you then.”

Hanging up the phone, he pouted a little. “We have to go in.”

“Why?”

“Apparently there is an endless amount of paperwork on the Breitkopf case still. Strauss cannot understand why or how Gideon let him get away. Though he didn’t ‘let’ him, he was trying to save the children –“

“I know.”

He faced her, becoming aware at the sting in his voice. “Sorry, sometimes Strauss amazes me. She doesn’t go out in the field, but she should understand the circumstances. She has to look through the cases and see.”

“I know, and, maybe she does, there’s always that bureaucratic tape to cut through too.”

He nodded solemnly, searching for a pair of dress slacks to wear. Catching his turn in mood, Karita went over to him and kissed his shoulder. “I love you, Professor.”

He smiled back at her. “I love you, too, Pixie –“

“Oh, no! You are not starting that as well. It’s bad enough with Dereek I don’t need it from you.”

Spencer chuckled. “How about Angel?”

She couldn’t help the skeptical glance. “I’m far from an angel, Spen.”

He pulled her to him. “You are to me.”

She trailed a finger on his chest. “Fine, now get dressed I got to feed us and the bunnies before we go in.”

“Like that?”

She turned to him, realizing he was gesturing to her bare form. She shrugged her shoulders playfully before going into the kitchen, leaving him gaping behind her.

“Dammit, I can’t find my ID card.”

She was rifling through her tote, hoping by some miracle to find the damn card.

And she was lagging behind, after a few attempts she got it out with a laugh of triumph as the guard gave her an amused look.

“Kari?”

“Hmm?”

“Your neck.”

“My neck?”

“I didn’t think about it –“

“That’s funny coming from you, Spen.”

“No, it’s not, I think I gave you a hickey.”

Her hand clasped on her neck then. Oh, God, what should she do? She had makeup, in that off chance she got a zit on an overnight but would it rub off through the day? Was it even a big deal? Though no one had told Hotch and Gideon the BAU knew her and Spencer were seeing each other. But it wasn’t very professional, was it?

“I guess I’m going to the bathroom to cover it real quick.”

Spencer nodded, thankful she had an idea.

“Oh, wait.”

She grabbed the scarf from his neck. “I’m taking this as a backup plan. Next time you’re going to have to watch it with those teeth mister.”

He looked at the ground bashfully satisfied before heading to the elevators. After going into the bathroom she globbed on the concealer on the few mottled places on her neck. She hadn’t bothered to look away from her task when the door open, her posture becoming erect as the person greeted her.

“Hey, Agent Siskin.”

Karita eyed Prentiss as the woman combed her fingers through her hair. Obviously having the same fight with the wind as she had.

“Hello.”

“I was kind of hoping to get you alone for a bit.”

“Oh? That’s a shame, I was just finishing up here. I’m already behind as it is.”  
She let the sentence carry as she walked away, heading to the elevators briskly before Prentiss could pursue her.

“Siskin!”

Escaping into an elevator, she smiled in relief only to be followed before the doors closed all the way.

“You know, I should really be walking anyway. I might take the stairs.”

Prentiss hit the Close Doors button and let them ascend to their floor. “You can’t keep dodging me like this.”

“Was working fine before.”

“I don’t want you to hate me. About the picnic –“

Karita sighed and leaned against the metallic walls. “No, I don’t hate you, and I know what you were doing, you knew there and then that Siskin wasn’t my last name. We shouldn’t dance around the fact like we don’t know each other, though I was hoping you would have forgotten me by now.”

“Would be kind of hard to forget something like that.”

She thought of herself a mashed of pulp of blood, her insides struggling to escape from the staples she had put in. “Yes, it is hard. But no one here knows about that, and I’d like to keep it that way. I’m good at my job –“

“I never said you weren’t –“

“I don’t need them feeling sorry for me, and I don’t need them thinking I’ll get compromised. I was sent here, and I’d kind of like to stay here so if it’s all the same to you that part didn’t happen.”

“I apologize for before, I wasn’t trying to out you to them. I was –“

“Trying to figure out if I was who you thought I was. I am. I remember you. And I know what happened afterwards. I’m glad you caught him.”

“I am, too. Siskin, I want us to be friends, if not that, then to at least coexist here happily.”

“I’d kind of like that too.”

“I promise nothing in that chapter will be brought up. Let’s give this a chance, from what I’ve heard of you, I think we’d make a pretty good team.”

“You’ve heard of me?”

“Well, yeah, Interpol has a small case file of you and your team, you and your brother being the predecessors.”

“Um, the pre –“

Prentiss smiled. “You both ranked highest in skill levels, you with stealth and agility, your brother with strength and marksmanship. Though you ranked high it came down to –“

“The kill shots. I know. I don’t see a point in them when it’s just as easy to take out a hand or a kneecap.”

Prentiss held her hand out. “What do you say? Clean slate?”

“I guess under the condition you stop calling me Siskin and call me Kari.”

Prentiss grinned. “Only if you call me Emily.”

Karita took the woman’s hand and smiled. “It’s a deal then, Emily.”

Entering the bullpen she halted when something zoomed past her head, hitting

Emily in hers. She couldn't restrain the laugh that erupted.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

As Emily picked up a film canister Karita turned to find the source seeing JJ and Penelope giggling with a guilty looking Spencer.

"You guys know you don't have to throw things to get our attention."

JJ grinned. "Spence was just showing off his science magic before we got to work."

Karita stared at the little canister in Emily's hand, before taking it and looking inside. "Magic? You promised to show me your bag of tricks. Will you do it again?"

He hesitated before smiling. "Sure. But you have to turn around.

Emily narrowed her eyes, while JJ rolled hers. "Why?"

"He won't show you."

"A magician never reveals his secrets."

Hearing him fumble around, he gave an okay before they turned around and watched the little casing zoom across the room. She giggled in glee, causing a chain reaction as everyone laughed as well.

"I bet I can do that."

Taken aback, Spencer stared back to her. "You think so?"

She nodded eagerly, going back to collect the case. She was cheating but it was her kind of magic. With Spencer and the girl watching she put in a bit of coffee, paper, and a staple. Holding it up to Spencer.

"Blow on it?"

He looked at her in disbelief. "Why?"

She shrugged. "For luck."

He blew into it and she shook it up before placing it on the desk, placing her palm flat on the bottle before twisting it in small circles.

"Kari, we know it's not going to -"

Releasing it she aimed it to go to the end of the door where Spencer had first sent it, colliding with the front of Hotch's dress shirt. Her heart pittered a thanks the case hadn't opened. Hotch picked up the canister, giving a stern glance to Spencer.

"That one wasn't me."

She gave the most innocent smile she could, and she could see Hotch fighting back one of his own.

"You better start practicing Reid or she's going to get better distance than you."

Karita grinned as the other girls dispersed to their own areas.

"So...how'd you do it? Unless you have a great sleight of hand I didn't see you slip anything more in there and you need potassium benzoate and carbon gas to get that effect so how was it done? It's not plausible, I guess with my breath could've given it a boost of dioxide but coffee and metal will not cause that reaction -"

Karita held up a hand to stop him. "A magician must have their secrets, Spen."

Leaving him with a quizzical expression as he reexamined the contents she went to get them some coffee, and sighed when she saw Derek sauntering up to her.

“Oh, what do you want, Dereek?”

“Now why you got to be like that, Pretty Pixie?”

“I see that Cheshire cat grin, and I know you’re up to something.”

“Not up to something, I was only going to ask what you and Reid were up to last night. He came in like the cat ate the canary and was merely curious.”

“Oh, sure, so you can tease us both later? I don’t think so. We had a very pleasant night, that’s all you need to know.”

“You know Baby Girl’s going to want more than that. You may as well tell me and let me keep her off your back from pressing for details.”

“Why is everyone so curious?”

“We’ve never seen Pretty Boy like this. It’s a welcome change. We want to make sure you’re both happy.”

“We are.”

He waggled his brow. “Together happy?”

She slapped him in the shoulder and was glad when JJ came over.

“I’m afraid I have a stack of papers for you to do.”

“At this moment I’ll take them gratefully.”

JJ eyes went to her neck. “Um, Kari, you’re, the makeup’s all smudged.”

Looking down she saw the glob of concealer had clumped dried and could see some of the purple through the scaly texture. Derek’s eyes lit with glee as he poked at the area bringing back the powdering shade on his finger.

“Oh, Pretty Boy! What have you been doing with our little Pixie?”

Spencer looked up from his desk, mouth like a fish as his gaze turned to her which countered with her own look of horror as Derek proceeded to pester Spencer with all his questions.

Karita looked back to JJ. “I thought I had covered it.”

JJ gave an sympathetic smile. “It’s okay, I’m sure we can fix it before anyone else sees. I will say it is a little…weird knowing you and Spence did that. Like knowing what your brother and sister are dating, you know?”

“Ew! No, JJ I did not think of it like that or want to again. What’s the point? His big mouth will tell Nel and she’ll gush to everyone. I’m scared about Hoss and Gideon. I don’t want Spencer to get in trouble because of this.”

“He won’t come on, since she’ll know anyways I’m sure Garcia has something that will match your skin tone.”

Wrapping the scarf around her neck she followed JJ to the lair, and, after presenting the problem, was bombarded with countless questions.

“Why does everyone want to know what we did? We kissed, yes. I’m not comfortable going into detail as to how far we went.”

Penelope calmed her breathing in a meditative way. “Okay, okay, fine. Tell us this, are you two an item? Are my Boy Wonder and Pocket Ninja off the market?”

Smiling at the nicknames, Karita nodded, causing Penelope to squeal and JJ laugh at her excitement. “Oh, my God, thank you, YES! I knew it, didn’t I tell you JJ? Day one I knew from the way he looked at you.”

A knock sounded at the door, and Emily poked her head in curiously. “What’s going on?”

“Kari and Reid are getting married!”

Karita spun on her. “What?!? I never said anything like that!”

“No, but I’ve told you luv, I have a sixth sense and I know. Oh, you two have to make lots of babies for me to spoil.”

Karita groaned at Penelope’s fantasizing. “We’ve just now said we love each other I doubt –“

“THEY’VE SAID I LOVE YOU! Oh, it’s too much my precious heart can’t take it. Sweetness overload.”

“Please say you came in here for a reason besides to hear this, Emily.”

“Yeah, Hotch wants us to put the files in order so Strauss can follow it by time frame.”

“Sadly, I am glad for it, so I will be leaving, don’t be surprised if men with butterfly nets come in here for you Nel.”

“Oh, honey I am very sane, you’re the one that’s crazy if you don’t believe in your oracle.”

Heading back to her desk she felt her cell vibrating on her hip.

**We’ve found a shipment and the holders, we need you to come.**

It wasn’t a request, she’d have to go. Aunt Lyne had not asked her for any cases since she had talked to her, now making that life seem so far off and gone. She headed to Gideon’s office, showing him the message.

“Everyone will understand there were circumstances for you to stay here and this is one of them. Just be careful.”

She smiled at him, wondering if it was fatherly concern before assuring him she was always careful and went out the door. Gathering up her things she saw Spencer staring at her in confusion.

“My other team has a case they need me for.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll be back.”

Not really caring if Derek was watching she leaned to him and kissed him.

“I love you, Spen, don’t get into any trouble while I’m gone.”

“You say that like I’m the cause for predicaments.”

“No, but that one smirking at us is, don’t let him get to you.”

“He won’t…I love you, too. Please be careful Kari, I don’t know how your team works and that scares me. Though with you still here I know all of you are competent, but then there’s always the criminals you have to watch out for –“

“Spen, please don’t think too much about it, I’ll be back in a few days.”

He nodded, gingerly. “I’ll keep the rabbits while you’re gone.”

“Thank you, I know they’ll like it more with than the kennel. Especially since you sneak them more treats when you think I’m not looking.”

Spencer grinned, and her cell went off again.

“That’s my ride. I’ll call you when we’re in for the night.”

“Okay.”

She could still feel his anxiety and worry for her and she was glad the weight was lifted as the elevator doors closed on her. Walking outside she rolled her eyes at the sports car parked outside. Opening the door she fell inside.

“Never can be conspicuous, can you?”

Her driver didn’t answer, and she knew he was mad at her.

“Don’t be like that. I haven’t seen you in months, you answer my calls hardly, and this is the way you treat me? You act like you despise me now.”

Steely eyes that matched her own turned to her as they speeded away from the building. “Don’t talk shit like that to me. You know I’d never feel hate towards you, I am pissed though. You don’t call ME when you first come out here and then you come running to me when one of your new buddies needs help? How am I supposed to feel? It’s almost like you wanted to turn your backs on us.”

“You know that wasn’t it. Damn it, Mikael, I’m tired of being the dependent one in the group. I rely too much on all of you, so I came here to make it on my own and whether you like it or not I actually have. It doesn’t mean I don’t need you, it means I can trust myself.”

He acted as if he didn’t hear her. “Devoting all your time to them, Bianca says you’re dating one of them, you’re shirking out on your responsibilities.”

“What damn responsibilities?”

“Your checks. You know if you don’t go in they can cut you off your meds, Karita.”

“I’m going to go in since I’m up here. I was told Kyle is back in New York and might as well see him.”

“Yeah, always good to see the mad scientist.”

“Quit being mad at me.”

“Don’t tell me how to feel.”

“What do you want me to say Mikael, huh? I don’t know what you’re wanting, I’m trying to grow up and get past all this shit. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to leave any of you behind. I just want to be happy again.”

Mikael’s eyes softened a fraction from hearing Karita sniffle. “That’s all I want for you, Little Bit, but how do you really expect to find it with these people. They aren’t like us. They’ll never understand us or our circumstances. I know why you went there, to find her name, which you haven’t, and you’re not going to. She’s not going to be in their database. You know the reason why they wanted to send you there, but now’s the time to back out before something happens.”

“Like what?”

Mikael gripped the steering wheel harder. “They’ll find out, something will happen, they’ll turn, they’ll turn on you, Kari and you know it.”

"There's no way to know that for sure. There's the possibility no one that doesn't need to know will ever find out about any of this. I like it here, Mikael, it's as close to normal as I can get. They treat me like an equal, like my insight matters -"

"What the hell are you even talking about? You matter to us, you would've been killed by now if we didn't care -"

"I meant by the head, and I meant for my opinions and what I think not just because I make good bait."

Mikael cleared his throat, eyes focusing back on the road. She knew he was unable to argue back with that, yes, her team valued her and what she could do, but as far as the head was concerned she was a worm at the end of the hook. And that's all she was being used for tonight.

She peeked back over at him, seeing the malice had left him. "Can we just get the bullshit over with tonight and have some fun together tonight? I have missed my brother whether you believe or not."

"Tell me this then, and we'll move on. If you've been missing me and are still part of this team, why are you blocking me so much? You have never done before you moved here, why now?"  
Karita turned red. "Besides trying to figure things out on my own. I AM dating, Mikael. I know it probably makes you uncomfortable, but...he's not like Alden. He likes to kiss and things, and we're now evolving into that. I don't need you in my mind seeing what I'm seeing and feeling during that."

"Get my flask from the glove box."

She snorted. "I'm not letting you get hammered while driving because you can't picture me dating. My God, how many girls have you been with? How many have I ran into when they leave in the morning? How many awkard conversations have I had with them, wanting to know who I am and why I'm at apartment?"

"Why were you at my apartment during those times?"

"Because I'm a dumbass I guess, wanting to crash with my brother who leaves me when I pass out to pick up women in sleazy bars."

Mikael smirked. "I do a little better than sleazy bars."

"Hardly. You done being a dick?"

"For now. The files are in the glove box too."

Reaching in she decided to go over everything as they went to their destination.

"Get me the flask too."

After arriving she was thrown some clothes to put on, a meeting had already been set up with who was believed to be one of the main people in charge of the ring. Karita would pose as a potential buyer, offering enough money to get a close enough location as to where the shipment was being held.

She didn't think she looked frigid enough to pull this off, but she could become detached, placing her feelings on the people. After all she did feel despising contempt toward them. Fumbling around with the make-up, she fixed her hair and thought she with the dress she could blend in with the higher status. She was given a Royce and a driver to take her to the destination.  
It wasn't a house, it wasn't a mansion, it was a manor, and it was beautiful. The manor itself was a long two-story french colonial, the arches high with pillars on either side of the frames. A large fountain with lions spitting water onto the lily pads stood out as they pulled up. She could see a large barn out back, and the scent of farm animals, assumably horses being held out there. Two suited men were standing out front waiting for her.

"Hello Miss Elswood, Mr. Crofting is expecting you."

She nodded stiffly, God, why couldn't she keep one name to use, it always got hard to juggle new names each time. letting her manners be forgotten and refrained from looking at the man. After all she was supposed to be better than the help. Mr. Crofting was fixing himself a drink when they entered the parlor. Looking at the man you would never guessed what he did - a short, stout old man with a jolly face and handlebar mustache. His eyes twinkled when she entered.

"Why you must be Miss Elswood, you're much younger than I imagined you to be."

She bowed and allowed him to kiss her hand. "Is it ever too young to become an entrepreneur? Also, as you can very well imagine, I was hoping to sample the benefits of the product myself. If it's as potent as I've

been told it shouldn't take much for me to soak up the effects."

"No! As a matter of fact, I keep some for my own personal consummption if you would like to try it for yourself."

He eyed her, calculating her. "I would love to, if you're willing to share."

She kept her smile small, as the old man beamed at her. Pouring the ruby liquid in a liquor tumbler. She was able to kick the glass back easily, feeling the effects kicking in.

She handed the glass back and he gazed at her with deisregard. "The elixir is wasted on the young."

She laughed demurely. "Ahh, but profit is wasted on no one, and I heard you're the person to talk to for starting in this business. I'm looking for one in the stage zero, I want to mold them the way I want, have the  
concentration values at a lower peak before building. I think they could produce more in that way."

Crofting stroked his mustache. "That could work, but I'm afraid I'm a 'sell it by the case' businessman. I'm not into individual sales, I'm afraid."

"I could go up to half a dozen. Price isn't the issue, Mr. Crofting, right now it is space and getting the bearings down. I'd like to get the process right and see where it leads first."

"Perhaps we can come to some kind of compromise, lets say ten for four million."

Karita shrugged. "Sir, if I went ten it may as be twelve, how about eight for five million, and I am being generous with it. I know this meeting has taken up your time, and I'd like to keep you as a contact when I get everything on the ground with this."

She held her hand out and after a pause Crofting shook her hand. "If you weren't such a doll I would have gladly turned you down. Go with Billings, he will take you to the shipment holdings where you can pick which ones you want."

His mind leaked, she could feel his recognition of her. And she knew there was danger, but she had her location. She thanked the older man, and went out to a burly man who held the door open to one of the cars.

She knew her brother and back-up was nearby and she got in. As they headed away from the estate she saw the man eyeball her through the rearview mirror, she was strumming through the inventory of what could be rigged in the car to dibilitate her and her discomfort rose.

"So how'd you get information about Mr. Crofting anyways?"

"My aunt, she's been in this line of work for a good while."

The man nodded, eyes going back to the road a fraction too late as a car crashed headlong into them. The airbag disoriented him, but she could hear him cursing as he reached around and grabbed for her. She was able to dodge him easily, slipping out of the car. Hearing a gunshot emitting she threw herself to the ground.

"You little fucking freaks!"

The smoke was messing with her, and she staggered back up as her brother grasped the man by the neck and slammed his head into the door.

"You don't talk to us that way motherfucker!"

Getting up she fell on the car glaring at her brother. After cuffing him, and injecting with the paralysis drug he looked back. "What?"

"You had to crash into the car?"

"Got a tip from Kyle, the cars are equipped in the rear and passenger seats with needles with a drug that's a cross between a tranq and hallucinogen. I figured I'd cut that off real quick."

"You did, and fucked up my arm. Thanks."

"You're welcome, did you get the location from him?"

"Yeah, his guard went down at the end and I saw. It's ironically fitting,"

It was nightfall when they reached the trainyard, one of the agents handling the workers as they searched each connex. It seemed to be endless when they came across one that kept thumping, straining to get the rusted handles to crack open the insides revealed over fifty children. Same as always, mostly girls, a few boys thrown in as an after thought. Most were crying, all in torn clothes and filthy. They stared out at them in fear cowering away as much as they could.

"It's okay, we're going to get you all home."

She emitted comfort towards them, letting it take over them as each got up and rushed towards her. As the medics approached she helped each child out, feeling their relief and gratitude as they were each looked over and asked their name.

"A few more bad guys tagged and bagged."

She felt her brother more than heard him. "So Crofting's caught?"

"Yep, he'll become what he was making, he was full of ADAM."

Karita shook her head, exhausted. "Why? They do this for what? Money? Those scraps of paper mean more than human life? It gets old, Mikael."

"I know, Little Bit, believe me I know. They're all going to get what they deserve now, and you helped save a bunch of kids. Imagine if you weren't here."

She stared at the ground, adrenaline leaving her and the impact of the crash catching up. "Can we go to the hotel now? I just want to shower Crofting's filth off me and sleep."

She could feel his hand rest on her head and tears leaked out, letting herself be pulled in his embrace. "Come on, Annie, let's go."

She felt way better once she was clean, though the haunted eyes of the children made her tremble, she hadn't been able to tell what stage they were in, if they had been operated on or not. But did it matter? Would they even be able to get over this? To be taken from their homes, or given away because they were worth more gone than to stay?

"Your phone kept going off, your little Justice League needs you."

She gave him a stern look as she scrolled through the texts. Spencer had wrote her asking how she was, another saying there was a case, then that they were going to Georgia, and that Gideon would be expecting her to come when her other case was wrapped up.

"Anna? You okay?"

Her brother always used that name when they were alone, it was an assurance to them both to use their names from before. It scared her to use them as if something bad would happen if someone overheard them. After they were taken those names died and after being rescued had become Mikael and Karita. But at times like this she still felt like Anna. A lost little girl, who couldn't understand the world. The little girl who wanted her mom and brother.

Her lips trembled. "I miss it."

"What?"

"I don't know, but I do. Something's missing and I want it back."

"You feel like you have it when you're there, don't you?"

She thought for a moment and then nodded. "I don't know why, but I do. I guess because I can forget, I can wash away what I've seen and done during all this away. Cases like this, the kids, it takes it away, it makes the hurt come back and I feel like I'm breaking."

"It's okay though, they'll be fine with time. And so will you."

"No, I don't think I will. Booker?"

His gaze jerked to hers, she seldom used his name. "Hmm?"

"Do you think there's a God?"

He shrugged. "I think there's a hell. So I can see that Satan can exist, but salvation? A merciful God that protects when shit like this happens more frequently than time should allow. I don't know, Little Bit."

Crawling on the bed, she curled up and fell into a fitful sleep.

The next day was better, her body had a low ache from the crash but her medicine helped. And she was able to get back to NASIC with Mikael.

"Welcome to NASIC -"

"Shut up, Teagan, you know who we are."

Teagan huffed at Mikael her hands on her hips. "Fuck you, I'm doing my job."

"And I'm doing mine, if you don't mind I got to go over the case review with Lyne."

He winked at the redhead before entering the office and Teagan rolled her eyes in annoyance going back to her magazine.

"Teagan?"

She guffawed at being interrupted again. "I was just wondering where Kyle was at."

"Steiver is on the third floor in weapons, he's been doing weird shit with the crossbows."

"Thanks."

Heading up, she saw the older man putting darts instead of arrows in the bow.

"Kyle?"

He shifted towards her, his eyes widening. She took that to mean he was glad to see her. Kyle Steiver was a very stoic man, though he smiled it was rare usually only finding happiness with his work instead of people.

"I was hoping, while you were here, when you're not busy if you would care to check my leveling before I left."

Putting the crossbow down she ushered her down the hall. "I'm only working through prototypes now so it's fine to work on you now."

Only a needle and a stick, then done. She hated doctors and Steiver knew it, if she lashed out he was prepared. "So what were you working on?"

He became more animated at that. "Instead of arrows for one shot, the crossbow would shoot out various elements. I've already gotten down paralysis dart for long distances, sleep darts, and venom darts. But now

I'm working on electrical darts and fire pulses. The electrical is working fine it doesn't damage the body enough that ADAM cannot be harvested but the fire, it charrs it to pieces."

She shivered from the image, as she was led into his small makeshift office. Various machine parts and computers littered the area, it was what Kyle was known for. He could probably put Penelope to shame in the technological field, it was his power, though many on the board had debated if it was even a true ability. He could control machines and any device he chose, able to comprehend the working and capacity within seconds, it was definitely an advantage no matter what anyone said. She began looking about at the monitors as he prepared a kit for her.

"Should  I try for small talk to distract you?"

She smiled, Kyle may seem emotionless to some, but she knew this was something he offered her to ease her not for his convenience but hers and she knew his heart was there. "You can try."

Tightening the tourniquet around her arm, he began labeling the vials. "Bianca says you're dating one of the BAU people, your brother had me look him up not too long ago. His IQ is pretty high."

She didn't know what it was but she was certain Kyle's was high as well. "It is, it's a hundred and eighty-seven. Why?"

"No particular reason, with the IQs of your family I was curious of the effects of his mentality if the two of you ever concieved a child."

She nearly choked by the shock of his answering, caught off guard as the needle plunged in. "OW! You dick!"

He continued looking at the vials as they filled, expression never changing though she could feel his satisfaction. "I don't know why everyone in the ficking world has to know about my dating life."

He shrugged, cleaning up. "Could be because you're not known for dating or romances. Also you're one of the few who has decided to date a Normal."

Normals were simply people who had not come into contact with their world, someone without abilities wasn't necessarily a Normal they were just average. But anyone touched by this world was affected in some way.

"I don't know why that matters either."

Kyle's eyes knitted in a confused expression. "Just be careful. Some aren't accepting out there."

She touched his shoulder, causing him to flinch though he didn't move away. "I will, thank you, Kyle."

"Give me a second and I can get the results and send them to records. You haven't been checked in a while."

"I know."

"You haven't been using your medication other than intended are you?"

"No. I've just been busy at work."

One of the monitors pinged. "Yep, says here you're good. Just...keep it that way please, we don't need a relapse from you. Your brother has been worried and ends up pestering me. So could you not give him more reason to be concerned?"

Karita grinned. "He only bothers you because you don't speak back."

"Hmmm."

Exiting, she took a copy of her results to show Mikael and give to aunt Lyne to get them off her back. Usually checks were a once a year thing, but hers was monthly, because in her grief of Alden she fucked up. She didn't really have the intention of repeating herself. She halted when she heard Derek's ringtone.

"Hey Dereek, I got Spensar's messages the other night and will be down to Georgia by the morning."

"Karita..."

Karita? Derek never used her first name. "What's wrong?"

"It's Reid, Karita, he - he's been taken by the unsub."

Before the sentence was through she had felt herself falling into darkness as her body hit the floor.


	12. Fantod

**Fantod(n): 1.extreme anxiety or distress 2. an emotional outburst**

When the heavy fog finally lifted from her she found herself on the couch in the break room, several pairs of eyes looking at her intently. Lifting herself up, she struggled to make things come back into focus.

“What happened there, Little Bit?”

_What had happened?_

“I was on the phone.”

“Yeah, we found it next to you, afraid it completely shattered. Steiver can probably do something with it –“

“Spensar!”

Mikael looked at his sister in confusion. “Okay…”

She grabbed at him, her anxiety rising, remembering Derek’s words to her. “His been taken, the serial killer their after in Georgia took him…Please…We have to do something, anything, we have to go down there and help him!”

Mikael placed his hands on her shoulders, bending to eye level, and trying his best to try and calm her.

“Little Bit, what exactly do you think we can do?”

Karita’s eyes were wide, frightened and unsure. “We can do something! There’s always something – Wait! Teagan!”

The redhead jumped at her name, having propped herself in the doorframe to watch the encounter.

“Yeah?”

“Where’s my bag, she can help, you can help, Teagan!”

She was in panic mode, tripping over her words, and her feet as she tried to collect the item from her bag. She was so grateful she could cry when she pulled out the scarf, and was glad forgetting something had worked in an advantage.

“I know you usually have to touch them, but he wore this yesterday. If you can try to find him, and see where he is –“

“You know, even if it somehow works, I wouldn’t be able to give you an exact location. I’d just see what he see and unless he knows where he is.”

“Maybe he does, and maybe the unsub will say his name and we can look him up. I’ll call the others and see if that already have that and all they know so far. Just please – please Teagan I know you don’t like doing it, and I know you don’t really like doing anything period, but please, please do this. I won’t ask you for anything ever again, just do this. I can’t lose him, not yet, and not like this.”

She was crying, starting without even realizing it, she could feel her chest collapsing the strain of emotions building up. She could feel her brother’s gaze transfixed on her, unsure of how to handle her. The muddling of bafflement from the outburst, the apathy for this man and empathy for her, it all crowded together like a ball of twine in him and while both bounced between each other neither was sure how to feel.

Gathering himself, Mikael cleared his throat. “I’ll call them, I know Gideon’s number, you’re in no state for this, Kari. Give Steiver the number and he can look through his phone, if it hasn’t been recovered or it’s still on him maybe we can find him through the GPS. And Teagan can look at the scarf and see what she can do, but you got to hand it over.”

She hadn’t even known she still had the scarf until then. Glancing down, she saw had snaked it through her fingers, her grip hard enough her knuckles had turned white. What if this is all she had left? If she gave it to Teagan and she took his essence away. What then? How could this happen, and so soon? Is this a punishment for falling for someone again? She had known she shouldn’t have pursued Spencer, left him alone. But he had shined and like a moth to a flame she had been captivated, drawing closer and closer and the result was a crash and burn.

She could feel her brother tugging physically and mentally, pushing her to hand over the garment. Relenting she released it over to Teagan and let her go to work, as her brother set off to call her father. She felt useless, sitting here, while Spencer was off being held against his will. What if the unsub was like the people that had hurt her? She shook and nausea hit her violently with the image of Spencer being strung up, metal devices implanted in him to merely cause him pain.

She doubled over, gagging, Spencer’s and Alden’s voices intertwining.

_Why didn’t you help me?_

_Why aren’t you trying to find me?_

_You should’ve believed me, we were on the same team, Rita._

_I wouldn’t have had to go out in the field if you had been with us._

_It should’ve been you._

_It should have._

She sobbed, her tears leaking into the mess she had made. Her heart was crumbling as she felt arms wrap around her. Her hiccups quieting as her brother rocked her.

“I’m okay.”

“You’re a horrible liar. But it’ll be okay.”

“I know you hate that I’m with him –“

“I don’t want you getting hurt in any sense that this could cause, but I promise it’ll be okay. Steiver got the information off your phone, and the systems tracking him. Gideon gave us a name, and he’s looking into that too. Teagan seems to be staring off at the wall so I’m guessing she found a way to implant herself in him and see his whereabouts. We’ll find him.”

Letting herself be cradled, she let the remaining tears fall. “I love him, Mikael.”

“I know, I can feel it.”

They stayed like that for a while, and like so many times in her life, he was holding her together; until Steiver bounded in the doorway.

“We found something.”

Following him out the doorway they walked down the hall to Steiver’s office. He pulled up a mapping of the Atlanta area.

“Teagan was able to link herself to him, and see saw a little home to what appears to be a cabin. But after waiting when he looked out the window she saw a collection of graves. So, going back to the last location the GPS picked up over here, we traced back to everything the Hankel’s owned and discovered –“

“Hankel?”

Steiver narrowed his eyes at being interrupted. “The killer they’re after. But I discovered that, under his wife’s name, Charles Hankel bought a piece of land that, when ran through the records of the city hall there is a private cemetery on that property, so…”

“Where, where’s it at?”

Steiver pursed his lips. “It’s on a plantation called Marshall Parish –“

Rushing out the door Karita could hear him call out a “you’re welcome,” as she dashed for the phone.

 

Between the flight and car ride she felt that an ounce of eternity had passed when she finally reached the hospital. She was bombarded by everyone, all their faces haggard and sad. They hugged her, told her everything would be all right. No permanent damage. But the way they dodged her glances she knew it was a lie. Whether they were saying it would be fine for her or their benefit she wasn’t sure, but she was getting restless when all she wanted was to see him. Mustering up the smallest of smiles, she wrapped her arms around her torso and excused herself to sit with him for a moment.

“Oh, honey, the doctor says he’s sleeping.”

She turned to face Garcia but wasn’t able to pick her eyes off the floor.

“I’ll talk to him; someone should be there with him if he wakes up and needs something. Do you think we should call his mom?”

Everyone got even more uncomfortable at that. She wasn’t sure what to do either, but didn’t the poor woman have the right to know? Karita already knew Spencer called his mother twice a week and talked to the doctors constantly, wouldn’t that put her at unease when that call didn’t come? His mom would expect the worst and she knew it’d be better to calm her to know that he was alive. She’d have to call in the morning and alert her facilities, her doctors should know the best way to give her the news without causing her to panic.

Dunking out to the nurse’s station she explained that she’d like to spend the night in Spencer’s room. No she wasn’t blood, she could’ve lied and said she was his wife but it wouldn’t come out of her mouth. Instead came how he shouldn’t be in there alone with what he went through, that someone that cares about him should be in there when he wakes, when he needs something, to hold his hand, and read to him to let him know he’s loved and more importantly safe. That nothing and no one was going to hurt him now. Maybe it was her words being studded with tears, maybe tenacity, but the nurse broke saying she’d put Karita on a list to let her stay with him.

Entering the room she noted the florescent lights making his skin appear even more wan, the dark circles prominent. She had to cover her mouth to stifle another sob. He was just so…still. His body almost motionless except hollow breathes he took. Her mind saw him on a slab of metal like that, how easy it could’ve been to be that way. Approaching the bed she brushed the layer of hair that had strayed, tucking it back behind his ear. The gesture did cause him to move, his chin falling to the side of the pillow trying to seek contact of the source of warmth. He slept on, his mouth opening slightly as he breathed more deeply. Quietly, she pulled the room’s chair up to his bedside, gripping his hand softly as she curled up as close as she could; her thumb rubbing across the top of his hand even after she fell asleep.

She heard beeping, scribbling, hushed voices, and she was warm, almost unbearably so. Her eyes opened, taking a few seconds to take in the surroundings. Moving up slowly as to not wake Spencer, she was surprised to see his eyes open and on her. With her hand still on his, she squeezed.

“Morning.”

He licked his lips, his hand twitching within hers. “You saved me.”

She shook her head, the frizzy mess flying. “I didn’t do anything, Spen. I wish – I wish I could’ve done something, anything, but I was a wreck. I couldn’t think straight. I’m so sorry.”

She was crying again, she didn’t think it was possible to cry this much. She felt his fingertips weakly brush her cheek, and she hiccupped on a cry. Looking at him, the shallowness from the sunlight making him look so much thinner and weak, she wanted to cradle him.

“You saved me. You want to know how I know?”

She brought herself closer, letting herself fall into the familiar nook in his shoulder.

“You were there with me, Angel. Between the ins and outs of the bad you were there with me, telling me you’d find me. That you wouldn’t stop until I was home.”

She kissed his neck, the salt from her tears and his sweat mingling. “Why did it have to be you?”

“Why does it ever have to be anyone, Kari? It’ll be okay.”

Everyone kept saying that. But it never was. Wrenching away she wiped her face on the sleeve of her long sleeved shirt. “I’m the one that’s supposed to be comforting you.”

He gave a feeble smile. “You have. You’ve been with me this whole time.”

He coughed then, strong enough to bead his forehead in sweat, and he looked at the closet before his eyes went back to her.

Already grabbing some water she held the straw to his lips. “Is there something you need from there?”

“NO! I mean no, it’s fine, I’m still a little incoherent.”

Soaking a rag in cold water she wiped his face. She didn’t say anything, but she could feel it, the anxiety, some kind of need for whatever was in that closet. She didn’t know what it could be, it wasn’t that clear to distinguish. But she knew it wasn’t for his clothes, and that worried her more.

A few weeks passed since the hospital, since everything, and Spencer had become more and more livid. No one could blame him with what he had endured, but everyone noted the extreme change of one spectrum to the other. Spencer wasn’t meant to be quiet, now he was. Spencer was movement, excitement always evident in his words as he moved his hands in explanation, now he sat stiffly in his chair, his hands only flexing the chair in agitation. He was isolated, casting himself away on an island where no one could get to him, and Karita had no idea what to do. She had an idea. A strong idea with what this was, and she was scared.

_You were in that place once too._

Yes, she was. Barely three years ago, but she was the recipient of it. She had been the person who was sat down and talked to, not the person to do the talking. Even if there was a problem, she had no idea how to go about how to address it. How to coax him out of his shell without making him feel judged. Though it was done out of love her family bottom lined her. They couldn’t blame her though, after Alden’s death she had just let go. She refused to care anymore. She had stopped eating, and started drinking, and after a few comatose days had realized she had forgotten her medicine she doubled up the dose to make up for it. Oh God the feeling, the escape, the oblivion. The lack of eating was more of atonement than a form to make the high longer, after all the dead don’t eat, do they? Besides she liked the indifferent emptiness.

But it scared her now, she had planned to slowly waste away, blow off into the wind. A life for a life as she was told. What if…what if Spencer was in that mind frame? What if he wanted to drift away? She couldn’t let that happen. But what was she to say? There wasn’t many of her family’s tactics she could use. They had sent her away and repeatedly asked the same damn questions. You’re doing this for Alden, but do you really think he’d want this? What would he say to you right now? Do you really believe he’d want you to kill yourself?

She couldn’t really give Spencer that, as far as she knew he wasn’t really trying to kill himself.

But she knew the look; she had seen it many times when she was forced to look at herself in a mirror. In relief, she knew he wasn’t too far gone. There was an emptiness in him, a nagging, constant tearing that he fixated on. He became annoyed by any little thing, snapping of anyone in turn. The need to leave at the most inappropriate times. The signs seemed so clear, but…

_As far as you know there isn’t even a problem._

True, that was true and with shaky breath and legs she went to the rest room. She needed a minute, her chest expanding in anxiety. She was thinking too much right now and she couldn’t do this at work. No one paid attention to her as she disappeared, and she felt like she could breathe again. Until she opened the door, there was a problem. Her eyes disbelieving as she saw Spencer in mid-injection.

She hesitated, acted like everything was fine as she heard the pangs of the vials hit the sink while he stuck them back in his bag. He tugged down his sleeve over the tourniquet before turning to her, eyes blazing with cold resentment.

“What are you doing in here, Karita?”

She should say something now, she wanted to, but nothing except a winded creak escaped her. Besides it wouldn’t be right, not with everyone right outside to hound him when he started yelling in defense. No, equal ground would be best.

“I needed to use the restroom…This – this is the ladies room, Spen.”

He stared at her a moment, the coldness in his eyes dulled as he took in the floral and pastel background. Swallowing hard, he pushed passed her without a word. Yes, he was definitely dependent on those vials, yet maybe, he wasn’t fully addicted. He still came to work, made small talk when prodded long enough, wasn’t selling his things to acquire the drug – and yet Karita could feel him already drawing that circle in the sand and when it closed so would he. Luckily it appeared there was still a gap and perhaps she could find some way to help him erase the circle completely.

The day passed near a creep at best, she hadn’t mentioned anything about the bathroom, but she could feel Spencer’s eyes boring into her whenever she talked to someone else. His suspicion on high alert. With the day drawing up she finally approached him.

“Hey.”

She gave a timid smile, hoping to come off to him that she wasn’t a threat. He still eyed her, doubt in his eyes.

“I was wondering if we could have dinner at your place tonight.”

He had been blowing her off a lot, well, now she knew why. But she could see the gears in his mind whirring, and with what happened he figured he had to placate her.

“Fine.”

“Good, what do you want me to make?”

“It doesn’t matter, I haven’t been hungry lately.”

“I know, I need to fatten you up again.”

Spencer didn’t respond keeping his eyes fixated on the same spot.

“Should we ride together then?”

He came alive then, shaking his head hurriedly before gathering his things. “No, just come by later okay?”

She tried to smile. “Okay.”

With that she pressed a small kissed to his cheek, her heart shattering when she felt his wince. She was a traitor now. No one could know without being the enemy, and she shuddered as she watched him go.

She had decided to save time by making dinner at home, not wanting his anxiety to heighten with her being there for so long, neither knowing what to say at the moment. Well, her not knowing what to say, and him wanting her out of there.

_Maybe you should just leave him alone._

No, she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t let him destroy himself. Not when there was hope for him. She used her spare key, letting herself in, and she saw him sitting lazily in one of the chairs by his balcony.

“Hey, you.”

He looked at her but didn’t say anything, the doubtful look still plastered on him.

“I thought I’d bring Indian food, you’ve been saying you’re favoring more lately.”

“Why are you doing this, Kari?”

At least he wasn’t saying her full name now. Now he just sounded sad.

“Because you have to eat, Spen. Besides I thought we could talk.”

He leapt from the chair. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Please Spen, don’t be that way.”

“What way? What do you want? What do you need to talk about so damn badly?”

“Don’t, you know, what I saw in the restroom today.”

 

“It’s nothing that concerns you.”

“How can you say that? Spensar, I love you –“

His shoulders slackened with that, his voice on the verge of cracking. “I know, so I need you to believe me when I say I have this under control.”

“But I – I don’t think you do. Please. You need help. Just a little. Please, let me help.”

Anger incased him again. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about. If you really loved me you’d leave this alone.”

“I can’t because I do love you, I know –“

Spencer came in close, leaning in a hair’s breath away from her. “No, you don’t. You think you have a miniscule idea of what I went through? You think I know what I’m feeling? You don’t know a goddamn thing you ignorant bitch!”

She had known he would lash out, thought she had been prepared, but his words tripped her. As he turned away, her chest gave out, tears pooling, and she walked out the door.

 

**Sorry it took a little while to crank this out. First, I just wanted to try to get it down right, I tried studying this and watching the episodes but meh, I don’t know. Second, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a month back and I’ve been spending as much time with her as I can. And I’m going to blame her for falling into a new fandom. So between late nights, work, and stress I can’t concentrate to write what I want right. As right as I can :D. But hopefully things will be okay.**


	13. Catharsis

**Catharsis (n.) – Greek origin: 1. the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. 2. An elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.**

Spencer slumped down on his couch when he heard the door shut. He got what he wanted he was alone. Now all he had to do was wait twenty more minutes, he had already estimated and planned out his doses for the day. And now no one’s judgmental eyes would be on him. It was medicine, it helped him, couldn’t they understand that? If he was an addict he wouldn’t be able to be precise in his measurements, he’d be sporadic, and unkempt, he’d be like…his mother.

Maybe Hankel’s split personality had been right, he had sinned against his mother. Locked her away, sometimes scared to talk to her a constant reminder of what laid ahead for him. He could feel his eyes welling up, he knew, a sliver of him would come out from the haze and know that this was leading to something dangerous. That this wasn’t how he should be living, or what he should be doing. But no one else seemed to care, no one noticed, or better yet, steered the other way and changed the subject when he acted out of character. Well, almost no one. The only person who cornered him had left.

_You got what you wanted, Reid. You should be happy._

But he wasn’t happy, he was anything but happy. The only person who appeared to show any concern for him just got tossed out the door. By him. He suddenly recalled a letter he had received from his mom not too long ago, he had described Karita in as much detail as he could find, wanting his mother to share in his joy at finding somehow.

_It sounds like she’d fight for you, Spencer._

She would. And now looking at the vials, they were less important now. Yes, his body ached, and the back of his mind was commanding him to fill up the syringe but…it didn’t really matter. Grabbing a coat, he took a taxi to Karita’s apartment, hoping to find some way to talk to her. Tell her he could try. Though it flabbergasted him, could he? Really? Just a few days ago he thought of quitting the BAU to shuffle papers at home, and do what he felt like? Mostly laying up in his bathroom, but that’d be his decision to make. So could he actually give up the sensation? He knew it’d be hard. But could he?

Taking the stairs to gather what to say, he had broken into a slight sweat when reaching her door. Instead of using his key, he knocked, and he waited until he heard her familiar shuffling.

Opening the door, he saw her look up at him with red rimmed eyes. “Spen?”

Spen. Even after yelling at her she still said that with affection and wonder.

“Kari –“

He wanted to say he was sorry, that’d he’d do anything she said to make it up to her. That he loved her, to thank her for loving him. To say he couldn’t live without her, though there’s no true physiological basis of that could happen. His heart might implode. Instead he watched her fidgeting in her pajamas, her hair down in waves to her waist, biting her lip waiting for him to say something and in slow motion to him lunged at her. He pulled her to him and he was sure both of them would be bruised tomorrow. He attacked her mouth pushing his tongue in as she gasped in surprised, he sighed when he felt her go lax against him, weaving her fingers through his hair, before pulling away.

“Spen, we should –“

_SpenSpenSpen._

The word set him off, and he wasn’t going to break this by talking, hefting her up he took her to the bedroom, both falling to the bed with a little less than grace. He was fumbling and had no idea what he was doing; letting his baser instincts take over. He was clutching at her clothes, desperately trying to tell her what he wanted from his movements. He had never been in this place before her, the pulling and tugging away of layers until nothing was left. And now here they were, the same way they had come into the world, nothing except the self in a vulnerable state. Except he had no awareness of this all he knew was her hot skin was pressed to his, the purple splotches forming on every available place he could reach. His hands were shaking, he’d admit that, from nerves and missing his dose, but the trembling reverberated through him. But he was able to put the coherent thought he should check her to make sure she was wet enough for him to go in.

He could tell she was trying to relax when his fingers prodded her, the skin softer somehow, silky, plush, and yes, slick and wet. He growled, his hands wobbling as they found her entrance. Were all girls this tight? The few thoughts he conjured he knew the math was wrong and that he would fit in there.

“Spen?”

Spen.

That would have to be his mantra, he’d never need drugs again if the two of them could keep this up. His mind was almost gone, and he was relishing it. He was trying to remain present as to not hurt her, but all he was able to do was feel, every other sense he had gone. He positioned himself where the two of them would line up.

“Spen!”

His mind shook into place at the shout.

“We n-need protection.”

He hadn’t even thought of that, why hadn’t he thought of that? He could feel her pulling her away, her body heat gone and leaving him freezing. He was about to get up and apologize when she threw a paper bag down on the bed.

“I don’t know if they’ll fit.”

Opening the bag he found a reel of multicolored condoms. He didn’t even bother to ask, just tore open the first one and did his best to remember how high school taught him to roll one on himself. Looking up his gaze darkened again to see her watching him with wide eyes. Diving back up the bed he pounced on her, an animal claiming its prey. He kissed her fervently, bending her knee around his waist wishing he had a third arm to help guide himself in. Ironically she seemed to have the same idea as her small hand wrapped around his length and pushed him up to her entrance. The head was barely in and he had to hold back from filling the condom. He gritted his teeth before letting himself barrel in up until his hips touched hers.

_You’re a dick, Reid._

He was if the signs were any indication. He heard the hiss, her walls resisting his pushing, and the catching of the wince on her face. She’d never done this either. But the primal side, the pissed off, needy, the side that was too involved in sensation ignored it for the moment, trying to pull out so he could go back in. She whimpered when he did, it was low, but there. And yes, he was feeling guilty, but he had enough guilt and focused on the pleasure he was receiving. Her body yielding to him in plush velvet, acting as a vacuum to bring him back in. Somehow she was devouring him, engulfed by heat and fire as his breathing stalled and sweat poured from him. Somehow, after several attempts he found a rhythm, grasping her hips and thrusting roughly. He didn’t have much time, he could feel his testicles welling up about to drop what it held. He became aware of her scratching him, her body relaxing and softly moving towards him. Pushing as deep as he could he emptied himself, before collapsing on top of Karita’s tiny frame. He had been a caveman, a brutal one at that, and he was about to set another low as he began falling asleep on her.

“Oh, shit, shit, it’s burning!”

He could barely register her pushing him off, grasping the sheet to herself as she ran from the room. Gaining his senses back he could make out the faint whiff of something beginning to be overdone. He glanced about the room, blushing at the mess he’d made before finding his boxers and pulling them on. Hearing clattering in the kitchen he watched Karita move a pot from the stove.

“D-do you need any help?”

She smiled at him over her shoulder. “No, I got it. I hope you like your soup well done though.”

“Soup?”

She ticked her nails on the countertop. “Yeah, I was going to bring it over tomorrow. I wanted to make sure you ate, and I thought ‘well make grandma’s matzah ball soup, it cures anything.’ I know that it wouldn’t really cure it, but I wanted to help, you know, somehow. I mean, I know you think I don’t understand, and I don’t, not fully, I can’t comprehend the things you had to endure there. But this – the need to escape, you’re not the only one. It’s just, I want you to understand, from my experience, it doesn’t help much. You’ll get away for a little while, and sure, there’s times when it’s so wonderful there you’ll wish you went sooner, but the coming back down, the tumble, falling, you’ll always be back in the same mess you were in to begin with. There is no real escape.”

He couldn’t help but stare at her, seeing as her words took her thought to another place, a darker place, and he wondered what in all specific she had to endure to want to escape.

_I guess I forgot to mention the bad people were real._

What happened to her?

“Kari, about what I said –“

“It’s okay Spen, like I said, in some parts, I get it. You wanted me not to push and the easiest way to do that was to block me off, sadly, it’s usually something hurtful that gets it done. But we don’t have to talk about it tonight, but we do have to talk, Spensar. I didn’t want you to feel cornered; I wasn’t sure how to approach this from the other side. I want to help you, that’s all I wanted.”

He couldn’t help the cracking in his voice. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t –“

“I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that, shouldn’t have said that –“

“I’ve been called worse.”

“Your first time sure as hell shouldn’t have been like that.”

“It’s fine, Spen. It was your first time too, wasn’t it?”

He shrugged in a defeated manner. “It’s different for women.”

He could tell by her smile what she wanted to say, he could almost hear the coy way she would – and exactly how is it different for women, Spen. But she didn’t instead saying –

“If I hadn’t wanted to happen I would’ve stopped you, Spen. We both needed to let out some frustration I guess, I won’t say my body melted or anything like that. But I kind of liked seeing you like that.”

“Like what?”

“You were kind of primal, I could tell you let your mind loose, something I didn’t think possible. And you kept cursing, I loved that, I never pictured Spensar Reid swearing – but you kept whispering fuck, fuck, fuck and I don’t know, I liked it.”

“If I can be honest, Kari, I probably wouldn’t have if I had thought you were –“

“A virgin? It’s okay, Spen. It’s not like it’s anything to be ashamed of.”

“I just meant –“

“I know, he loved me in many ways, but life…things happen to us all and it creates, I don’t know, obstacles. He didn’t want that type of affection, he couldn’t handle it. And I wasn’t going to push him. I didn’t really need it with him. So I took him in the ways he could love me. And I’ll take all the ways you can love me, and this, I was glad it was you, Spen.”

He couldn’t help but step closer to her, taking note of the sight before him – the bed raggled hair tumbling down her sides, pupils still dilated, lips lightly bitten and raw, not to mention all the marks from purple to pink to red splattered across her body, and the sheet to beat it all. She looked like a work of art, his very own lady of the lake offering him aid.

“Let me make it up to you.”

“There’s nothing to make up for, Spen.”

She was turning back to the stove, and he caught the sheet before she could look away.

“I already know I have a lot to make up, Kari, but I mean with –“

Realization dawned on her through his motioning innuendo and she blushed. “You don’t have to make up for that either, Spen.”

“But I know you didn’t, I mean with me like I was there was no time for you to.”

“That’s okay.”

“It’s not, can’t I watch you fall apart a little bit?”

She laughed the color still evident on her face. “I’m not sure what you want to do here.”

He tugged the sheet from her, allowing him to fully see her. He could tell she was scared, modesty built into her as her hands clenched in question to cover up or not. Finally she looked up at him, daring him to say something against her and the need to know if it is of admiration or not.

“Now what?”

He took her hand. “Now, with trial and error, we go back to bed, and I’ll see what makes you tick.”


	14. Kuddelmuddel

**Kuddelmuddel (n.) – (German) 1. An unstructured mess. 2. Muddling in confusion**

Spencer really needed to get a television for his living room. He had one in his bedroom, which is fine, but come on – you live in the living room. Plus, she could be watching HSN right now and drifting off without having to bother him. The channel’s upbeat monotonous tones always helped lull her to sleep, it also probably sent her subliminal messages while she was dozing to buy a bunch a shit she didn’t need. But who cared? It had been about a week since their fight and impromptu makeup, and she was drained. Physically and emotionally, yet she tried to keep telling herself that whatever she was feeling at the moment, Spencer was going through it tenfold.

She just wanted some sleep, but her body wouldn’t let her. She was restless and anxious; perhaps it could be that she hadn’t left the apartment in several days, being cooped up anywhere never settled too well for her. The house also smelt bad, all the sweat and other bodily fluids permeating in the air no matter how much bleach she used to get rid of it. Everything was in disarray as well, she would try to keep some order but Spencer would sometimes go into a fit like state where his anxiety and panic took over and he was just all over the place. Bouncing room to room, and never keeping still, the jitters would pass onto her and though she tried to hide it would start rearranging things then abandoning it once the feeling ebbed.

She kind of wished he’d let her take him to her apartment. There was food there, and he was down to maybe a bowl and a half of soup she had made and a pack of stale saltines. That was no good, plus there she had herbal teas and infusions her grandmother had either made for her or sent her the recipes to make herself, at least giving a natural alleviation for his symptoms. And that’s what Spencer wanted, no doctors, no methadone or suboxone, no inpatient whatever, he’d deal with this, and he had, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t use some help. She hoped he was still considering the NA when the detox was over with, it would give him some more people to talk to, know that there are others out there that can understand. She, herself didn’t necessarily do it, she hadn’t really known how to convey what she felt out loud, but she knew she didn’t want a bunch of people listening to her. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t help Spencer, and he needed it. He was a bundle of nerves right now, and he needed more support than just her.

His mother had sent him a card and some chocolates. They were kind of like malted sponge inside, it was weird but not bad, and the letter stated it was one of his favorites. By the brightened look on his face she could tell that was true, the candy also gave an excuse for something to do with his hands, something he constantly needed now, and the sugar rush would give him an added boost of dopamine. So he said. She only smiled watching him savor the tiny bites, though his stomach couldn’t take it now. And it broke her heart the day she made coffee and his stomach rolled. His stomach could barely handle anything right now; vomit had been coming out in troves. Sometimes she’d be allowed to rub his back and wipe his brow and other times he’d snap at her, telling her to get the hell out, that he wasn’t a child that needed coddling. It had been a lot worse the day he had messed his pants, embarrassment and shame overcoming him before she was banished from the room.

She had tried telling him it wasn’t that big of a deal, it happens to plenty of people. Including herself in the eighth grade, but all it did was earn her a snorted scoff in reply. Soon, like many of those banishments he’d end up stumbling out or calling for her in fear that she had left. Spencer seemed so afraid of her leaving, she thought that perhaps it had to do with his father abruptly leaving him and his mom when he was so young. That never ending need to have someone there, someone that’s supposed to love you eternally and not having them. Which then turned her to thinking about Spencer’s extended family here. She wasn’t mad per se, though, yeah she was kind of pissed, it was just, where the hell were they? They could deny it all they wanted to, but seriously, the moment she and Spencer put in for a month of medical leave should have said plenty. She knew they were scared, she had felt it on each of them, but they couldn’t ignore this. He needed them, he needed people to be there for him and root him on. And she needed someone there so she could get him the supplies he needed to heal.

Fuck it.

Picking up her cell she texted Derek, knowing he’d be the first one up tomorrow, and ranted to him everything she was feeling about the situation and telling him when he had a spare moment for work he better be getting his ass over to Spencer’s apartment. With that done she was able to sigh in relief, at least she could get him more Pepto, maybe something for his runny nose, definitely more pajamas since he’d stained most of them, and food, God she was going to get so much food.

“Kari?”

She looked up from her sagged in place on the couch, seeing Spencer come from the hallway, disheveled. She’d make him bathe in the morning, give him a fresh shave, maybe a trim for his hair too. She could pull that off at least, as long as it was only the ends.

“I thought you left.”

She smiled tenderly. “Nope, just couldn’t sleep, Spen. Thought I’d find something to read until my eyes got heavy.”

He looked at the Isaac Asimov book laid on the coffee table. “It didn’t work?”

“Nope. But I did like some of the stories – the one about the ugly boy made me cry almost. But the one about the kids finding books…I liked that one a lot. I wonder if that’s how things will really be down the road, I don’t think the next generation will have any idea what a book is anyway with all these e-readers coming out now.”

She knew she was rambling and she looked back up to Spencer who looked at her with a wistful expression. She held her hand out, sitting up.

“Come here.”

As he came over she saw he had thrown a fleece blanket around his shoulders, tugging the soft fabric tight around him. He stayed close to freezing anymore. When his body was next to hers he began coughing.

“You want some water?”

He shook his head. No, he hardly drunk anything either. He had to be getting dehydrated, she needed to get him some Gatorade, or pedialyte. She needed to get him many things. Tugging him down, she cradled his head in her lap.

“I’m sorry, I’m still like this –“

“Don’t be, your body’s in battle mode, Spensar. It’s got to get everything out of your system, and that takes time. I’m so proud how far you’ve come, Spen. You’re a fighter.”

He snorted and the gesture vibrated on her thigh. “Don’t feel like much of one.”

“You’re still here, still standing. You’re fighting off that temptation with no help. You have to see how amazing that is, and it’ll be over, the sickness will, you’ll start to feel more like yourself soon.”

“But I had you, if you weren’t here to help, I’d already have given in. I’m scared of how strong the cravings are, that they’ll always be there.”

She stroked his hair. “I’m afraid they will be, but each time you deny it you’ll be stronger, each time will be a teensy bit easier. I won’t say it’ll ever be gone completely, but you’ll think back to this and know what to do.”

“What was yours?”

“Hmm?”

“W-we never talked about what it was you were addicted to.”

“Oh.”

His gaze turned to her then. “If you don’t want to –“

“No, it’s okay, I’m only afraid you’ll be worried.”

“Why would I worry?”

She shrugged. “Everyone else does. Okay, well, I became addicted to the medicine I take now.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I-I, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and I kept missing doses, so finally I was like if I just take all the ones I missed I’ll be fine. Wrong. I got very muffed up. I started getting dizzy and seeing things, but it was good in a way. It was like a real trip, not a LSD trip, but a trip to somewhere –“

“I get it…was it when he died?”

She didn’t have to have him elaborate. “Yes and no. I was more than devastated when Alden passed, but what drove me under was when my dog died. I know that sounds awful and stupid, it was just, that was when I knew I was supposed to be alone. It made me see things so clearly, they didn’t deserve that, and it was my fault, I couldn’t take care of them. Which meant I couldn’t take care of anyone, if you can’t keep the ones so close to you safe then there’s no point in anything. No point in even having people near you…”

“Kari, you have to know that’s not true. Them dying had nothing to do with you.”

“Yes, it did. Alden died out in the field, I was supposed to cover him, ME. Then they get him, and then Hewie dies, those vets said it was a hole in his heart, that deterioration like that happens in elderly dogs but I knew it was a broken heart. I killed part of his family and it killed him.”

She was crying now, the hiccup in her chest too great to compress and she felt herself being pulled into Spencer’s arms. “I’m supposed to be here for you dammit! Why do we have to keep talking about me? There’s nothing good to know.”

He rubbed her back, soothing her, though she could feel his fingers trembling. He kissed the top of her head, coughing into her hair. “We’re supposed to be here for each other. That’s what you do when you love someone. And we love each other, don’t we?”

“Yes. I don’t know why sometimes, I’m just going to get you hurt too, Spensar, or worse. Look what’s already happened to you. I should’ve been there, I should’ve been able to do something, all I did was break.”

“You helped me, I told you so, and you’re helping me now. We’re both going to help and be there for each other, Karita. I went out there by my own choice, it wouldn’t have mattered if you had been there or not. But I’m still here, and you’re still here, do you hear me? We’re both here, and we need each other.”

She nodded through her tears.

“Come on, let’s get some sleep.”

“Can’t.”

“It’s fine, come on, you can watch home shopping in bed.”

She laughed. “Sometimes I think you’re a mind reader, Spencer Reid.”

“Funny, I think the same thing about you.”

 

**Sorry it’s so short, I’ll make the next chapter longer and start on it tomorrow. Things have been more hectic, I know I’ve been going on about it too much about my mom, but we got confusing news yesterday. We went to one oncologist who said, ‘oh, it’s a small mass, we’ll cut it out and we’ll be good to go.’ So we went to the surgeon thinking we’d be getting her scheduled for surgery, no, he says the mass is too big and they’d have to take out the whole lung if he were to operate without chemo. So now we’re back to square one, with more tests and more questions and I am done. I know it doesn’t seem like it when it’s said, but stress can bulldoze you and my mom and I are just…GAH!!!**


	15. Ineffable

  
**Ineffable (adj.): 1. too great, powerful, or beautiful to be expressed into words**

Surprisingly, Derek showed up without further prompting, even more surprising, he showed up at the crack of dawn. Angling her head from under the pillows, Karita craned her neck to see it was only fifteen after seven. Making sure not to wake Spencer she crept out of the room and got to the door.

“Oh, my God, Dereek, quit trying to wake the building. What are you doing here so early anyways?”

He gestured to the bags he held. “You said you were having a food shortage so I thought I’d come over and make you and Pretty Boy breakfast.”

She took a better look at him, and she could feel his guilt. And she automatically felt guilty herself for thinking he better.

“Thanks, Spensar, will like that. Though I wouldn’t wake him up yet, it took us a while to go back to sleep last night.”

“Oh, you two were having fun between the sheets?”

She shook her head; she knew he was still denying this. “No, he’s been too sick for any of that. He might be able to drink some coffee today, I don’t know, but you can make a pot if you want. I’m going to throw some clothes on, I shouldn’t be gone an hour.”

She left him with that, scurrying back to the room, she rummaged for some jeans, putting on a thick sweater for the approaching cold outside.

“Where are you going?”

She looked over her shoulder to a bleary eyed Spencer. “I’m going to the store, Spen. I won’t be gone an hour, okay?”

“Don’t go.”

“We need food, Spen, and you need something to help keep you hydrated.”

“I’ll drink three glasses of water right now if you stay.”

She kissed his forehead. “You quit making me feel bad. The worst of your symptoms are gone, and I’ll be back as soon as I can. You won’t be alone, I made sure of that.”

His eyes became more alert catching that. “What do you mean? Who’s here?”

“Dereek. He said he’d make you guys some breakfast, if it’s too heavy I’ll be back and make you some toast.”

He was on his back, him ruffled and bedraggled as the sheets twisted around him. “What if I want to stay in here?”

“You can, it’s up to you. I just didn’t want you alone if you needed something.”

Brushing her teeth, and combing her hair she could feel him watching her. “But, like you said, the worst is over; I could take care of myself for a little while. I do know you need some time to yourself, Kari. I know I’ve run you ragged.”

Finished, she went to him, giving him a light kiss. “Yes, I am tired, and hungry, but I wouldn’t change it, Spen. I don’t know it just gives me pride that you picked me to let me help you.”

“I would have picked you regardless, but if you haven’t noticed, you were the only one who offered any help.”

“They’re going to be here now, Spen. That’s something. I know they’ve been denying some –“

“They’re ignoring it.”

“They’re family, Spen. And sometimes families just mess up; it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It just means they don’t know how. We have to show each other sometimes. Now, I’ll be back, Dereek know you need rest so if you want to stay in bed it’ll be fine. Is there anything specific you want?”

He shook his head, burrowing back into the covers.

“I thought we’d have a movie night, you know since we missed Halloween. Do you think you can handle any candy?”

He shook his head again, though she noted his bottom lip protruding. “No, besides all the Halloween candy has been taken down to make room for Christmas candy.”

She wanted to say what was the difference, but it made one to him so she kept her mouth shut. Feeling bad that he missed his favorite holiday, she wished she could find a way to make it up to him. She still couldn’t find the superiority in Halloween, but she didn’t have to, it meant something to him. Perhaps in the same way Christmas and Hanukkah was to her. Maybe that’s where his good family memories and traditions were.

“Well, if you think of anything you can call or text me, okay?”

He nodded again. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, Spen.”

Going back to Derek she saw him bracing himself on the couch, looking around the apartment.

“I’ve been trying to keep it clean, but his stomach would turn in a millisecond, I’m going to get some cleaning things as well and spray down the couch and everything.”

“I’m sorry.”

That surprised her. “Why?”

“You’ve been stuck here, both of you, I could’ve called…something.”

“It’s a new situation for all of you, it’s okay. You’re here now.”

“So it’s not new for you?”

She shrugged, playing it off.

“How’s he been doing, really?”

“Not good, he’s a lot better now. But between the bouts of vomit, he got a fever and he talked out of his head. He was so scared, and that scared me. He was reliving everything, not just with Hankel, but every bad thing that happened to him. And it was like I wasn’t there, like he wasn’t hearing me, so I couldn’t even save him from a memory. Then he’d get so angry, he actually started smashing things, tearing up his own books. Then he’d cry, and fall asleep. It’s been a rollercoaster. But it’s going to be okay. His mentality is almost back to normal, it’s the cravings he’ll have to watch. The onsets and triggers. I don’t want to make you feel bad, Dereek. But he needed you, still needs you, all of you. You’re the closest thing to family he’s got here. He feels abandoned right now.”

“I know, and I don’t know how any of us can make up for that. I just don’t understand how this happened. If we had been quicker in finding him, if we hadn’t sent him out with JJ, I don’t know. Could something have changed it? I don’t know why I ignored it, any of us, I couldn’t think of him that way. I know he’s not a kid, but he is like my kid brother, I should’ve been there, that’s what brothers do.”

“But sometimes they can’t, sometimes the younger sibling gets hurt. But as a big brother, you can just be there, make him stronger, let him know he’s loved and still the same.”

He nodded, solemn, his chin resting on his knotted hands. She reached around and gave him a side hug, reminding him if either of them needed her they had her cell number. It was so quiet when she went out the door.

Three hundred dollars, she spent three hundred dollars on food and other crazy stuff, more pajamas for one, shampoo and soap, scented candles to help get rid of the smell while the place aired out, and some candy – she struck gold when there were still pumpkin shaped Reese’s on the clearance carts. Maybe she’d make some ginger chicken and rice for tonight; both seemed like good ingredients for an iffy stomach.

“I’m back!”

She heard chuckling, which was a vast improvement from when she left. Going in the kitchen she could smell slightly burned pancakes, the oversweet batter hitting her nose. “What did you make, Dereek?”

He grinned at her, laying another piece on the stack. “Tried to make my grandmother’s famous triple chocolate pancakes, not all of them came out so great. You going to try some? Reid here won’t even touch them.”

“Told you they’re too heavy for my stomach.”

“Too heavy? They’re as light as air, my man.”

Not wanting his feelings hurt, Karita forked some, only to nearly choke on the mass of sugar. “Did you add sugar to the batter?”

“Yeah, you have to add two tablespoons of brown sugar with the white sugar or the cocoa will be bitter. So what did you think?”

“I think that every tooth in that pretty smile should be rotted by now.”

Spencer chuckled at that.

“They’re not that bad.”

“I’m sure they’re fine, Spencer’s stomach isn’t a hundred percent yet, and I’ve never been tolerant of sugar.”

“So it’s you two then, I can live with that.”

“I’ll make us some toast, while I put these away, Spen.”

Getting up from the stool, Spencer worked his way behind her and Derek. “I’ll help; you can’t reach the top cabinet anyway.”

She pretended to be indignant. “I can climb on the counter thank you.”

As she began rummaging through the bags, she heard rustling among a few of them. Feeling her hand through them she was met with soft fur.

“March!”

“And Hatter, Garcia brought them over earlier.”  
“Did she say if they drove her crazy?”

“Nah, she just thought you’d like your furries back, her words not mine. She also was planning to bring something over for you and the genius here, and we’d have a family dinner in a few days. Baby Girl already has things planned out.”

“Sounds like it.”

She looked to see what Spencer thought of being back with everyone, and saw him sheepishly putting cereal away. She stroked the hair on his chin.

“I bought some razors too, I’m going to get you down later and get rid of that, Grizzly Adams. Tackle myself later too, my legs feel like wooly mammoths.”

“So you two haven’t shaved or anything?”

“Well, no, it wasn’t something to worry about so we kind of got rid of the razors for a while.”

Derek pursed his lips on that, distracting himself with cleaning up. She fed her rabbits, giving them an extra helping of lettuce as she was aware of how peeved they were at her for leaving them.

Derek stayed a few more hours, helping to move the furniture while she cleaned to make the house smell fresh again. “Thanks for everything, Dereek, and tell Nel to call me so I know what to bring to the dinner.”

“She’s going to tell you everything is taken care of.”

“Tell her I said it’s not and let me know.”

He chuckled, kissing her cheek and ruffling Spencer’s hair as he made his way out.

“He said he was sorry, it surprised me, the way he said it. His voice was broken.”

She hugged Spencer then. “He cares about you, they all do. This wasn’t something they had the answer to; it’ll be all right though.”

He nodded, settling on the couch, and she smiled seeing he already had a book picked out.

“Since Nel is bringing supper, and we’ve had breakfast, I’m taking a shower before lunch. That cleaning got me scuzzy and I’d just like to shave my legs, I don’t think the old Parisian look suits me.”

Spencer smiled, flipping the page of his book while she went and grabbed a towel from the linen closet. Karita couldn’t help but hum, it had been a good day, things were finally settling right. She gasped as warm water hit her, feeling the dregs the last week had brought wash down the drain. She couldn’t help but sing out in delight as she scrubbed and shaved.

_I’ve got to admit it’s getting better_   
_A little better all the time_   
_I have to admit it’s getting better_   
_It’s getting better since you’ve been mine_

“I’ve never heard you sing before.”

“Ahhh! Spen, the fuck?”

She could hear his embarrassment through the thin curtain. “I’m sorry, I thought I could, you know…join you maybe.”

She felt her body seize a little bit at that. She’d bathed him, she had been given glances of him, and though he had seen her she was still self-conscious about her scars.

“I understand if that’s not okay –“

“No! No, I mean it is okay, Spen. I’m just new at this.”

She could hear him chuckle. “So am I, Kari.”

“I’m a little embarrassed of my body, I’m used to covering it up –“

With that the curtain flung open, the spools almost knocked off the rod. Out of instinct she shielded herself, her eyes not being able to meet his as he looked at her. Water was pooling into the floor as he stepped in and cornered her.

“How many times have you seen me?”

“I think that’s a little different, Spen.”

“How?”

“Because I was caring for you, not ravishing you or anything.”

“But you still saw, I know it’s a vulnerability issue, you’re not used to being exposed.”

“It’s also different because you’re beautiful.”

The v pinched in his brows. “I don’t know why you keep saying that.”

“Because you are.”

Finally daring to look she was drawn in by his eyes. God, she was a sucker for those brown eyes. It was then she realized Alden’s were brown too. Though much darker and unreadable, often leaving her to dive into him to know what he was feeling. Something which he allowed, if not enjoyed, offering himself fully and completely. There never seemed to be a need for that with Spencer, so much lighter a doe shade of brown that made him clear as glass as to what he was feeling. She couldn’t put into words all the ways she saw him, how just the sweetest expression could cinch her heart.

“You should know by now that you’re beautiful too.”

She looked down at the scar, something she’d have with her for the remainder of her life. Made from such an ugly moment in her life. It could never be beautiful.

“I wish they wouldn’t bother you, they don’t bother me. They amplify you. Tell me how strong you are.”

“Well, if you’re staying in you better close the curtain. Just cleaned the house and you’re flooding the floor.”

He grinned, the gesture emphasizing his eyes. No, she’d never be able to stop looking at those eyes. He leaned into her then, both still so hesitant in their actions, she liked this though – the touching. The water slicking his already smooth skin, letting her hands run up and down from his arms to his chest.

“Would you sing for me again?”

She smiled, her hand tangled in wet hair as he lips nipped her collarbone. “You’ve got my body crooning already, so singing may not be too far off.”

She wasn’t sure how far this was going to go, and honestly, she was a little reluctant from their first adventure down this route. It had hurt. Not like she had been taught it would, she remembered how the girls in middle school described it as a stabbing, like a scab being dug off. No, it was burning, a stretch that wouldn’t stop, and she should’ve known better. Stretching was always a bitch to her, whether it be her legs, neck, arms or vagina stretching was meant to hurt her.

Then there was after, with his mouth on her, she couldn’t recall anything he had said, being too caught up in being spread before someone. Then there was…well, everything. She wasn’t an easy person to get off, though the journey was always good, but getting over that ridge that usually took something more capable than her hand. She’d only been able to do that once in her life, the rest was battery operated and she was scared to death she was going to have to tell Spencer that.

Would it hurt his ego, when she herself couldn’t even do it? It shouldn’t, but then again, she was told guys had a different thought pattern than girls. But she had finally admitted it; she couldn’t help but feel bad, his hair damp from the burning degrees between her thighs. And what was she to do; she sure as hell didn’t know how to fake a damn orgasm. He hadn’t been mad; he had been classically Spencer again and blushed, breaking out into the statistics of how on average many women needed aid from various materials to bring themselves over the edge. He hadn’t stopped either, claiming that many women and men for that matter didn’t know all their erogenous places and it was best to explore them. She had no idea where or why he read the studies, but she didn’t mind. Letting him go back to work in finding her inner gears.

His palm is what brought her back, a hefty ‘oh’ escaping her. She wanted to pinch him somewhere, but then he was cupping her so nice, his fingers flexing right into the nudge of her opening, while he bent his knuckles to dip onto her clit, his palm grinding against her mons that she still hadn’t trimmed. And she liked it, she liked how his hand felt in her curls, the rubbing a turn on of itself. He had said something about that too, that the hair was there for a reason, that not only was ridding it difficult because of all the risks of ingrown hair and infections, but it was there from before we evolved enough so that the hair would trap in pheromones and attract a mate. He had said other things too, but each word came out in tufts of air on her, causing her mind to fumble.

“You’re thinking too much.”

She laughed out, airy. “Quite a thing to say, coming from you.”

His lean fingers ran up her slit. “We’re going to have to take this out of the shower you know.”

“And why’s that, Professor Reid?”  
He groaned at that, biting her ear, and she squeaked in gleeful surprise as his dominance became more prevalent. “The water, it’s never safe to conduct sexual activities in it. It washes the natural lubricants the body makes.”

“Then how do people have sex in the shower?”

He shrugged. “I’m going to guess it’s uncomfortable, mainly for the woman, and I’d rather you enjoy it.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I kind of hope to keep up those kind of encounters with you.”

“You know as well as I do we’ll end up showering again after this?”

“Fine with me.”

She let him towel her off, and carry her to the bed. Sighing at how at ease she felt now, no, she shouldn’t be afraid of him. Especially with the way he was looking at her now, he looked hungry, and as his head descended she was more than happy to feed him.


End file.
